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family issues

My brother is getting married in 3 weeks. My step sister and her husband will be attending, and her husband is an Iraq vet who has some serious issues (as in, could flip out and kill everyone around him issues). My husband has major issues with this guy, and pissed at me for having just told him today they would be attending. (I hadn't even thought about it before today.) DH is also asking me how I plan to deal with my father, who I haven't spoken to since he tried to ruin MY wedding, and who has never met my son. I told him I don't know what to expect, so I will have to play it by ear. I feel like he should butt out and let me deal with my own family, and let it just be about my brother and his STB wife. How do I tell him to butt out without sounding like a bitch?
PS- my brother and I are both veterans, too, so please no comments about how my BIL is this brave guy for serving, etc.


Asked by musicpisces at 11:56 PM on Oct. 23, 2010 in Relationships

Level 45 (195,010 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (10)
  • i agree- just tell hubby to shut up!

    for your dad- keep it civil. if he wants to have a relationship with you/your family- he can talk about it AFTER the wedding!

    hopefully your BIL will remain cool and wont go crazy at the wedding.

    enjoy it- have fun! its a wedding, a ceremony of two people coming together- loving each other and making a family together!

    Answer by Shy_Dia at 12:40 AM on Oct. 24, 2010

  • WOW! That's alot of baggage to deal with. I would tell your husband you can try not to sit close to your stepsister's husband so they don't have to make nice. It is your brother's wedding and he can invite who he likes. As far as your father, you are right. Play it by ear and see how things turn out. Your husband is part of the family and has a right to his opinions unless he is just doing this to cause a fight. You are also right in the fact this is about your brother and his fiance, not your feelings. I wouldn't drink at this wedding if I were you, you sound like you may need all your wits about you.

    Answer by CorrinaWithrow at 12:08 AM on Oct. 24, 2010

  • First of all- THANK YOU, your brother, and your BIL for serving our country!!!!

    As in what to do with your DH- Why does he have a problem with your BIL? Why do y'all think he's going to "flip out" at the wedding?

    And as far as your dad goes....if you don't want to talk to him, DON'T! Tell your DH that just because your dad is going to be there doesn't mean you have to socialize with him.

    Answer by HaydensMama07 at 12:03 AM on Oct. 24, 2010

  • We have a standing rule in our marriage. I deal with my familiy's crap, and he deals with his. My family doesn't get into it too often, but there was a a run in between my (much) older sister, her college age son, and myself. As much as hubs wanted to get involved in the heated discussions, he simply stayed in the other room. He only butted in when the kid started spouting obsenities at me. He calming said, "Don't speak to my wife that like. That's not productive at all" and then removed himself again. And on the flip side, his mom is a total nut job, but he wasn't ready to stand up to her for years,so i just kept my mouth shut. I avoided her because I had nothing nice to say. Hubs finally dealt with it, but it was his battle - not mine. So as long as you don't get involved in your husbands families' stuff, he should keep his mouth shut too.


    Answer by karamille at 12:12 AM on Oct. 24, 2010

  • Sounds like your BIL needs some SERIOUS counseling....but he doesn't deserve to NOT receive gratitude for what he's done for this country. (Not trying to upset you...this is just MY opinion). And I can see where your DH is coming from....he wants to protect the things/people that he loves. Just tell him that you'll deal with it as it comes. You don't know what's going to happen and neither does he. If your dad tries to start anything, be graceful and excuse yourself from the situation.

    Answer by HaydensMama07 at 12:16 AM on Oct. 24, 2010

  • OML ??????

    Honey, just tell him to be NICE and SHUT-UP...

    Maybe, attend and get out of there A.S.A.P ♥♥♥♥♥♥

    Answer by SissyAnn141 at 12:18 AM on Oct. 24, 2010

  • BIL has made threats, and he has been in and out of treatment programs for alcohol abuse and PTSD. He says he wants to get a tattoo for all of the kills he had in Iraq. He was the only one in his platoon to survive (some KIA, some suicide), so he has survivor guilt. He has all kinds of stuff wrong in his head. He has a tendency to lie about weird things (like saying that he "outgrew" cerebral palsy. WTF??).
    As far as my dad goes, I have a feeling there will be conversation one way or another. I just don't know what to expect, and DH is trying to protect DS and me, but it's not his place to deal with this stuff.

    Comment by musicpisces (original poster) at 12:09 AM on Oct. 24, 2010

  • That's kind of my plan. I'm trying not to go in with any expectations, and I don't know what to expect from anyone. All I can do is be civil, and not get into it with anyone. (and I agree about not drinking!!) I just with DH would get that he can't keep us sheltered from everyone who MIGHT hurt us, and I want him to let ME deal with MY family. He gets all wound up about this stuff, and while I realize it's coming from a good place, it makes it really hard when events like this come up, and the last thing I want is for my brother and his wife to hVe any stress over this, or for something to take away from their day.

    Comment by musicpisces (original poster) at 12:21 AM on Oct. 24, 2010

  • I'm with you, Shy Dia! I actually DO want to talk with my dad, but I want to meet with him alone after the festivities. BIL I'm sure will be fine, I'm more concerned with my DH's reaction to him. I want to be able to relax and celebrate and enjoy watching my brother getting married! =)

    Comment by musicpisces (original poster) at 1:22 AM on Oct. 24, 2010

  • your poor brother and sil to be! sounds like so much drama. You need to tell your dh this is your bro and his wife to be day and your dh needs to let it be about THEM only. everything else needs to be left ALONE.

    Answer by koensmom22 at 2:59 AM on Oct. 24, 2010