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Grandparent ISSUES!

My daughter's granparents are crazy! her biological father passed away when she was 4 months old and i got remarried about 6 months ago. (my daughter is now 3 1/2). They started threatening us with grandparents rights, now we have talked to a lawyer so i dont really need that kind of advice but im just mainly wondering opinions:

What is a reasonable amount of time for her to spend with them? (she goes over there 1 day a week for 3 hours and 1 overnight a week from thursday 11 am- friday 8 pm)

Should we take away time with them if she mis-behaves? ( she acts out after being over there, throws temper tantrums)

Should we take away time from them if they disrespect us, or dont follow the schedule we set up? (g-ma always wants more time, plays the guilty trip)

 
mormonmommy85

Asked by mormonmommy85 at 10:30 PM on Oct. 24, 2010 in General Parenting

Level 4 (27 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (11)
  • i dont think you should ever not allow her over there as a punishment to either one of them. your daughter is not a pawn in your game that you use to get back at them if they mess up the schedule, and grandparents are not a privledge to your daughter, they are a right. they are family and YOU need to respect that. those are her grandparents and she is going to love them, and they love her and she is probably all they have left of ther son and you should have sympathy for that. i dont know that i think you should add another day on your "schedule" - im not understanding why there has to be a "schedule" - but you should just tell them, hey listen, if your going to the park one evening and you want to stop by and get her, give me a heads up and im sure it can be worked out. or just sit down and talk with them and be open minded and understanding. im sure they just love her and miss her and want the best for her, just as you do.
    PURPULbutterfly

    Answer by PURPULbutterfly at 10:46 PM on Oct. 24, 2010

  • Honestly I think she spends enough time with them and the acting out when she comes home may be from things they are telling her. When my parents got divorced my dad would talk badly about my mom and I'd act badly towards her when I got home but never told her why because I didn't want to hurt her feelings. I did anyway though. You need to sit down and talk to them one on one in a friendly way explain to them that you are her mother and what you say goes. I think if anything they just miss their son and feel like being with her is like having a part of him.
    momoftwins0987

    Answer by momoftwins0987 at 10:57 PM on Oct. 24, 2010

  • I know MIL would hate that. But this is MY child. I would in time allow for a weekend visit. As far as grandparents' rights. They don't have any in my state. They could threaten but that would be about it. I would put it like this, "I know you miss your son, so do I. But life hasn't turned out the way I wanted it to. I want my daughter's husband alive and that is not the way things are. Through you, his family, she will learn about him. But I do not want to fight. I want to get along. This is what I can do right now......." You can't control their response. But you can be mature. At least have them to agree not to argue in front of your child. No I would not take away my son's grandparents as punishment for tantrums. Even after a visit with tantrums. You don't reward or punish with relationships. You work through them. So if they can't be appropriate end it if that is necessary. But don't use them or her
    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 11:00 PM on Oct. 24, 2010

  • I'm so sorry for your and your dd's loss. I know how this issue with the grandparents is tough. Usually a child is spoiled at the Grandparents house. I know mine are. Then they come home and think they can get away with the same. lol. I see no problem with missing A visit on occasion as punishment, not alot though. Maybe the 3 hr visit? And just make it clear to the Grandma that the schedule will be stuck to. If she goes for grandparental rights she will have to stick to that schedule Which may be less time, who knows. Good luck mama
    Caoimhe_Oona

    Answer by Caoimhe_Oona at 10:40 PM on Oct. 24, 2010

  • It sounds like you are being fair and allowing them the 3 hr visit and the over night each week. They should be thankful and consider themselves lucky to have that time with her. Some grandparents are not so fortunate. I would remind them that as her mother you are the one who determines visits- when and how long , NOT them. I would mention that if the schedule is not followed or if they disrespect you then you will be forced to cut back on the visits and they will have less time with the grandchild. Good luck!
    MizLee

    Answer by MizLee at 10:48 PM on Oct. 24, 2010

  • If my husband died I would allow my child to continue a relationship with his grandparents. BUT there are buts. I have a disclaimer. I don't really care for my MIL and she is very inappropriate with my son as it is. Not in a he's going to be ruined for the rest of his life kind of way. But certainly in a way that is not a health way to raise a child. She actually bribed him she would buy him a toy if he just would stop crying. Weird. Here is what I realized, she isn't raisinghim - I am. So those few hours or days he spends with her is fine. Because he has me the rest of the time and for the rest of his life.  I would have an agreement if they wanted one that he could visit, with me present (they really do make poor decisions with him - they gave him a firecracker to hold just a week ago and said pull the string.  Bless her hart she had didn't know it was one).

    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 10:49 PM on Oct. 24, 2010

  • Just a few side notes : the reason we have a schedule is so then this does go to court for them to fight for grandparent rights and visitation we can say we have a schedule and they wouldnt follow it. We have tried letting her go over there more to encourage their relationship but everytime we do that it makes the situation worse. Her grandmother believes that they are should have shared custody with this 50/50, that is ridiculous! And also I do have sympathy for them, i understand that they lost a son, but i also lost my husband, wheres my sympathy! All they do is ridicule everything i have ever tried to do. I was told several times before i got remarried that i just needed to sign custody over to them and not every worry about her again. They have no respect for me or my current husband who is trying to be the best and only father she has ever known.
    mormonmommy85

    Comment by mormonmommy85 (original poster) at 10:55 PM on Oct. 24, 2010

  • as a reward or punishment. This is hard enough on you and your child. Even on your late husband's parents. Everyone is trying to figure this out. So yes they will argue and pitch a fit. If this was your daughter's daughter and you were the grandparent you would be dying inside. At the same time you have a right to your life. Live it. Live it and set up times where she can visit for a few hours or for the weekend or whatever you are comortable with. Period. Then pick her up again.
    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 11:02 PM on Oct. 24, 2010

  • Unless there are certain circumstances (such as a grandparent being the primary caregiver for a period of time and the absence of visitation would cause emotional harm to the child) there are really no inherent grandparents' rights. You are the parent and your choice to allow someone to visit your child, even her grandparents, is a choice and privilege. I applaud you for being considerate and doing so, but it sounds to me like they expect more from you. They are taking you to court to get more time, right? I think the time you stated above is more than fair. I would let them know that if your child's behavior continues to decline after visits that you are going to take a break as a disciplinary measure, which is 100% your right as a parent to do. Best of luck!
    LittleWeloosMom

    Answer by LittleWeloosMom at 11:09 PM on Oct. 24, 2010

  • Also, I think they will regret taking this to court. It is going to be obvious to any reasonable judge that they are overstepping their boundaries. I just read over your other post above and it sounds like they are trying to just take her from you. From what you've said it sounds like their visits are detrimental to your daughter's well-being. Ugh. Again, good luck.
    LittleWeloosMom

    Answer by LittleWeloosMom at 11:13 PM on Oct. 24, 2010

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