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Help with "lost" 18 year old boy.

He just found out that his parents are really his grandparents, and his sister is biologically his mother. He was told by the family in a loving way. The family has been pretty close and did what they felt was best. He seems a little hurt , but mostly angry and distrustful. Now he seems to have "latched on" to a girlfriend. He has been offered counseling, but refuses. He just seems so confused. How does one begin to help him? Please give only positive suggestions. We all know this is not a commons circumstance, and don't want to hear about how the family failed him. They are a loving family, and want what is best for him! Any advice is really appreciated!

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Asked by Anonymous at 12:56 PM on Oct. 30, 2008 in Adult Children (18+)

Answers (10)
  • The family did try to do what they thought was best, sometimes we don't see what the consequences are of good intentions. It seems therapy is the only answer, talking is the only way to sort this out. Bottling it up inside is only going to make it worse for him. I'll pray for him and the family.

    Answer by raenad at 1:00 PM on Oct. 30, 2008

  • It sounds like he is trying to deal with this information on his own..I think the family should give him some space let him be..He will come around eventualy,,and will talk to them again...Good luck

    Answer by louise2 at 1:02 PM on Oct. 30, 2008

  • Agree with louise2. That is all you can do. Space, Time, and respect.
    Hopefully this GIRL is a good example and helps him through all this without turning to drugs. Maybe she can help him see that counceling would be a good thing. I will pray for your family.

    Answer by racingmomma at 1:10 PM on Oct. 30, 2008

  • We had a similiar situation like that in our family. Some of my siblings were furious--I felt like I had been lied to for most of my life. We all had questions--but after a little time to sort things out, we decided that we didn't love the people involved any differently, and we were never told because they thought they were protecting us. We have the same relationships that we were brought up believing. It's not something that is talked about--but it is all out in the open. Give him time--he will come around on his own.

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:11 PM on Oct. 30, 2008

  • My sisters friend is in that sitution. She is 14 though. She wasn't mad at all because she hates her...'sister' ...MOM.... and loves her parents (grandparents!) She understands why they did it because her BM was 15 when she had her... It will take time but if this 14yo girl can handle it... he'll be fine! He is just probably upset it tookso long for him to find out

    Answer by Sandiii at 7:15 PM on Oct. 30, 2008

  • Time, respect and patience. He sounds like he is trying to deal with this on his on terms a piece at a time. I would suspect that he is talking with his girlfriend as dealing with it as able. His life just got turned on its head from his point of view and he needs time to reevaluate everything he knows. Be available but don't push him. He will talk to you when he is ready.

    Answer by MysticFerret at 9:01 PM on Oct. 30, 2008

  • I think it's OK for the boy to be angry. But it's not OK with what he does with it. I would feel that same exact way if I was lied to. Maybe that's what he's feeling at this point in time. If the boy refuses counseling he's entitled to just because of his age. You can't make him go to counseling. You can't make him change either. Since he's refused counseling then I would just leave it alone he knows he is able to go so it's up to him. Let him do with what he wants on his own time. As long as he doesn't make any rational decision's. Then I would say he is going to be fine. He will come back and learn to forgive too. So don't hound him OK? You will notice what's going on with him. Hope that helps you out.

    Answer by snickers1201 at 10:27 PM on Oct. 30, 2008

  • Thanks you sooooo much for these answers. You all are amazing! I will share the info with my family members

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:07 PM on Oct. 31, 2008

  • You should have been truthful to begin with. This is the exact reason this shouldn't have been a lie to start. How would you feel? I know I would be so poed. I mean is it really that bad to be honest! That is such a harsh giant lie!

    Answer by darcyk10 at 10:34 PM on Nov. 4, 2008

  • I know you dont want to hear the bad, but your cant have good with out the bad. Its the balance of things. If it was all positive then you wouldnt be in this problematic situation. You have to figure out what "you" did wrong in order to fix the problem. I think the shock will wear off eventually. but it will take a great deal of time. be patient & extremely loving, of course. Go about your business as normal as possible. It always hurts us as parents to see our children toiling over painful situations. We so want to protect them, wrap them in bubble wrap for ever. Its gotta be tough. God bless you all. They say... time is the healer of all things, but man...that time thing sure takes its sweet "time".

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:03 AM on Nov. 5, 2008

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