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Do you think this friend is asking me for this too much??

I have a close friend who's dh works with my dh but my dh says he's always in trouble w the bosses there for coming to work drunk or calling in or using up all his sick days he drinks all his money away...Well last month I went to visit her and her 3 kids came home from school starving well they opened the fridge and had nothing as well as the cupboards..Me feeling sorry for the kids offered at the time to buy her some food for the kids cuz she had NO money at all! So I bought the groceries since I had a few dollars saved up I only bought for a couple days or so..Well just last nite she calls me crying that dh has drank away all the money and her kids are hungry cuz all she could feed them were pigs ina blanket and if I could give her some money to buy more food..I was like ya know I helped you out last time cuz I had the extra money but if I didn't I probably couldn't have done that...She still hasn't paid me back for the la

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chica679

Asked by chica679 at 12:08 PM on Oct. 28, 2010 in Relationships

Level 16 (2,792 Credits)
Answers (16)
  • If you have some extra food I might give her some, I certainly would not give her any money and I would let her know that she needs to leave because she is only allowing herself and her kids to stay in that situation. It may not be easy but she needs to be independent money wise and find a better life.
    Melbornj

    Answer by Melbornj at 12:10 PM on Oct. 28, 2010

  • last time saying she would on his next paycheck..I hope I've done the right thing by telling her no this time and she needs to find someone or some way to get the money to buy her kids food...I can't keep buying food for her kids as well as mine..do you think I handled this correctly? what would you have done different?
    chica679

    Comment by chica679 (original poster) at 12:10 PM on Oct. 28, 2010

  • dont bail her out. She needs to get rid of the hubby and put her kids first. It will only prolong her staying if people always bail her out.
    ria7

    Answer by ria7 at 12:11 PM on Oct. 28, 2010

  • This is so hard....I would have bought her some groceries and brought them over....but encouraged her to go to al anon, plus contact a women's shelter, or salvation army helps, too....she really needs to get herself and her children out of that situation.....she probably feels lost and doesn't know what to do....
    Anna92464

    Answer by Anna92464 at 12:11 PM on Oct. 28, 2010

  • I would try to give her advice about going to al-anon and tell her you just cant afford to buy her food but be kind and try to help her find a way out. I would flat out tell her that she has to put her kids first even if that means moving in with family, leaving hubby and her getting a job to pay fo rhte food. If you give again she will keep coming to you. I know its hard!! I was married to an alcoholic and I had to leave and take care of my dd.
    ria7

    Answer by ria7 at 12:14 PM on Oct. 28, 2010

  • Well you do havea kind heart but there is a fine line between helping and enableing it is hard when there are kids involved
    I say help it feels productive and if it feels negative then dont
    chica1965

    Answer by chica1965 at 12:15 PM on Oct. 28, 2010

  • I've been in this situation before, and it's very easy to fall into that trap. If your friends truly need help, then they need to apply for food stamps and such, or her husband needs to quit drinking. If you feel that the children are in danger or are not being taken care of properly, you really should call social services. Do not feel bad for calling social services on your friend, you are doing what's best for the children at that point. Mom and dad are old enough they can handle themselves, the children can't, they're the ones who need the help the most. Don't fall into the trap of providing money to them, you will just end up hurting your pocketbook and the kids in the long run.
    gumby11883

    Answer by gumby11883 at 12:15 PM on Oct. 28, 2010

  • This is a difficult situation. How did she survive before you helped her? I would not give her any money. But if the kids are starving, you can give her some peanut butter and cans of tuna. Not terribly expensive but something that would get the kids some protein in the short term.
    kathyartist2007

    Answer by kathyartist2007 at 12:16 PM on Oct. 28, 2010

  • i feel for her kids that's why I bought them a little food but now it seems like she expects me to help her more than I can..I told her to get a job but she says dh is really controlling and won't allow it..I told her there are food banks,churches ect...she can't get on food stamps because her dh is illegal here and they would have to use his pay stubs..I think she needs to leave too but I'm not about to let her kids starve they are 9,13,14 so not old enough to work..I hope i'm doing the right thing telling her to find someone else to help or some other way I did explain I only helped because I had a little left over this time but usually I don't have alot to go on either..I hope she remains my friend
    chica679

    Comment by chica679 (original poster) at 12:17 PM on Oct. 28, 2010

  • She's probably going to start using you now. She needs to take control and take the money form her hubby. Or leave him. Seriously, who lets their kids starve so their hubby can drink? There are shelters for that kindo fthing. Or food banks. Poor, poor children. I guess if it gets really bad, I would seriously call CPS. Why should the kids have to suffer?
    Shanna84

    Answer by Shanna84 at 12:18 PM on Oct. 28, 2010

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