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2 Bumps

SIL Miscarried and now I'm pregnant HELP!

My sister is law is wonderful and has done everything by the book. Went to collage, got her PHD, married her HS sweetheart, and then got pregnant for the first time. Unfortunately she had a miscarriage at 16 weeks. My heart broke for her. This was in July.

I found out I was pregnant a week ago and I am not sure when to tell her or how to go about it.
We live in different states (both away from our hometown) and rarely talk on the phone because of our schedules, but when are are in town at the same time we get along really well and hang out a lot. (We are only a year apart in age)

Telling my MIL was hard because she is still mourning for her daughters loss. So just telling her was hard enough.

extra info: We have been married around the same amount of time. I have a daughter from a previous relationship who is 11 and I also have a 4 year old with my husband (her brother) and she has no children.

Answer Question
 
softchick21

Asked by softchick21 at 3:43 PM on Oct. 28, 2010 in Pregnancy

Level 6 (130 Credits)
Answers (12)
  • I would wait to tell anyone if I were you at least until 12 weeks. Congratulations.
    ILovemyPaulie

    Answer by ILovemyPaulie at 3:45 PM on Oct. 28, 2010

  • Just be gentle and sit down and tell her. She may be upset or she may be happy for you. The longer you wait the more it will make it worse. It's better to tell her as soon as you can. CONGRATS by the way
    mommy_of_two388

    Answer by mommy_of_two388 at 3:46 PM on Oct. 28, 2010

  • My SIL miscarried before I got pregnant, and we told everyone at the same time. You don't want her to find out from someone else and have her feelings hurt worse. (even though you're trying to protect her feelings.) This is a happy time for your family period, let her share in the joy. It might hurt some, but that's to be expected after a loss. My SIL said to me, "just because your child passes away doesn't mean you're not happy for others!"
    matobe

    Answer by matobe at 3:47 PM on Oct. 28, 2010

  • I cannot sit her down, becuase we live in different states....
    softchick21

    Comment by softchick21 (original poster) at 3:48 PM on Oct. 28, 2010

  • I agree with Ilovemypaulie. I would wait to say anything til you're further along. As for your SIL, it's sad what has happened. She will never get over the loss of her baby regardless of how long ago it was and even when she can successfully carry to term. It's not like you can't tell anyone about this but you want to wait a while. Only time will heal.
    ANGIE613

    Answer by ANGIE613 at 3:51 PM on Oct. 28, 2010

  • Maybe you can send her an email. Tell her you know it may be difficult for her in light of her recent loss. you respect her feelings but wanted to be sure she didnt hear the news from someone else. Just acknowledge her feelings and try no to bring it up too much when you talk to her on the phone.
    ria7

    Answer by ria7 at 3:51 PM on Oct. 28, 2010

  • Well I'd definitely tell her right away since it sounds like you already told your MIL? Obviously you don't want to sound overly excited...ie "OMG!!! I'm PREGNANT!! I'm soo excited! Haha!" so maybe say it in a more subtle way, "So we have some good news, we've recently found out we're pregnant!" Or "so we have some good news, you're going to be an auntie again!" something like that. Of course she may feel a little hurt, because of what happened, but I'm sure she'll still be happy for you.
    mamie2shoes

    Answer by mamie2shoes at 3:53 PM on Oct. 28, 2010

  • do NOT tell her in e-mail...very impersonal and seems like you're avoiding her - she'll feel even worse.
    mamie2shoes

    Answer by mamie2shoes at 3:53 PM on Oct. 28, 2010

  • Me and my very good friend Tiff were trying for our second at the same time. She got PG first but found out at her 8 week appt that the baby was not viable. A few days after her D&C I found out I was PG. I was so afraid to tell her. I didn't want to hurt her. I decided in the end I needed to tell her right away and first. I didn't want her to get the memo second hand. So, to be fair to SIL I would tell her now before MIL tells her first. Though that sounds easier it could be more hurtful.
    But_Mommie

    Answer by But_Mommie at 3:59 PM on Oct. 28, 2010

  • Make sure she is among the first to know, and since you've told your MIL you should do it soon. Call her personally and tell her, and let her know you understand that she is still dealing with her own loss and you hate that your happiness may add to her sadness. I am saying this because I have been in a very similar position as your SIL is in now. I was undergoing fertility treatments for a long time and miscarried. My sister who already had 3 children got pregnant and no one told me until she was 4 months along. I would have been upset however I'd found out, but finding out that she had been pregnant for months and everyone except me knew was horrible. The fact that my sister didn't tell me, that I had to find out from someone else, was also very hurtful. Yes, your SIL will be sad, but please tell her...tell her gently, but do tell her. Also, congratulations!

    TweenAndTwinMom

    Answer by TweenAndTwinMom at 4:00 PM on Oct. 28, 2010

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