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3 Bumps

I don't know what to do!

I've been married for a long time and have no intention of separating or divorcing but I feel like our relationship is just about dead. We hardly talk about anything that doesn't have to do with the kids or the house or the bills and when I do try to say something about not being happy or not, it usually deteriorates into an argument, someone gets defensive (usually him), someone gets sarcastic (usually me). I just plain don't know what to do!!

Answer Question
 
ceallaigh

Asked by ceallaigh at 4:08 PM on Oct. 28, 2010 in Relationships

Level 24 (19,921 Credits)
Answers (11)
  • Your marriage isnt dead, it's just in a rut. It happens. It sounds like you both need help communicating your feelings w/out attacking the other person. Maybe some counseling? OR a weekend away to reconnect. Or both. :) You can make it work if you both put in some extra effort. Good luck :)
    mrsmom110

    Answer by mrsmom110 at 4:13 PM on Oct. 28, 2010

  • Marriage counseling
    ballewal

    Answer by ballewal at 4:13 PM on Oct. 28, 2010

  • I think its normal to feel stuck in a rut - that's part of real life also is bills and kids.. maybe you need more date nights or more alone "special time" meaning just talk time or alone time in your room to chat or share a bottle of wine or play a fun sexual board game.. get creative..
    maxsmom11807

    Answer by maxsmom11807 at 4:13 PM on Oct. 28, 2010

  • You say you do not know what to do, and go on to say that you will probably do nothing. I am sorry. I do not know how to help you.
    tootoobusy

    Answer by tootoobusy at 4:13 PM on Oct. 28, 2010

  • My personal experience with that type of situation has been this.

    When that has happened. The truth was that we BOTH were unhappy in/with our relationship for various reasons. Both were suffering from built up resentments and hurt feelings. Both were putting life before our relationship, and our relationship had been placed on the back burner and deteriated due to lack of care and input. Both acted out towards one another, we faught about everything and anything instead of honestly communicating with one another about what all the REAL issues were in our relationship.

    The way it got better was: Learning how to openly, honestly and safely communicate with each other about everything and anything.. And actively beginning that communication. Being honest with one another and laying all our issues on the table.Deciding to work together to address and rectify those issues. And the biggie, making our relationship a priority
    pixie_trix

    Answer by pixie_trix at 4:14 PM on Oct. 28, 2010

  • Hey, tootoobusy, excuse me, but I never said I would do nothing. And if you don't know how to help - or how to read - just leave it alone. Thanks!
    ceallaigh

    Comment by ceallaigh (original poster) at 4:15 PM on Oct. 28, 2010

  • Can you try to do something special or romantic? Maybe just the two of you getting away together for a weekend, no kids....just you two trying to reconnect. Do you two share any interests? You could do something together, take a class, join a group, take dance lessons, something that you both would enjoy learning or doing together. That way you can have something else to talk about other than kids, and bills, etc. Whatever you do when you try whatever it is that you try you should stay away from talking about the "issues" you are having. I think if you started enjoying things together and had something you are both interested in those "issues" would disappear.
    sue118

    Answer by sue118 at 4:16 PM on Oct. 28, 2010

  • Maybe you could have a special night each week when you and hubby can take some time together to connect. It doesn't have to be expensive, just something you can both enjoy. It sounds like a rut to me, good luck!
    scout_mom

    Answer by scout_mom at 4:17 PM on Oct. 28, 2010

  • I agree you're in a rut. It seems like the kids come and that becomes everyone's focus and suddenly there's nothing else to talk about. I think you need to do something together that is not about the kids. Take a photography class at your local community college, join a bowling league or gym together, or a book club. Find something that is adults only and you both have an interest in, even just a little bit, and do it together. Suddenly you will have something new in common, something that involves you and not your kids, and it could help spark a little magic back into your life. Yes, you may have to step out of your comfort zone a bit and it might even be awkward the first time but keep at it. How about swing dance classes- something new and romantic. You may have grown apart but I don't think that means you can't grow back together again. It would be a pity not to try. Good luck!
    MaryMW

    Answer by MaryMW at 4:31 PM on Oct. 28, 2010

  • Try to go out to dinner, try to sex it up, change your hair, start walking to gether. Think of fun stuff to do. ASk him if he wants to go on a vacation or a weekend away.
    mmmegan38

    Answer by mmmegan38 at 6:24 PM on Oct. 28, 2010

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