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If a grandma isn't that interested in her grandkids, is it your responsibility to initiate more contact?

If a grandma who lives ten minutes away is content to see her grandkids (1 & 3) ((she is currently not working)) once a month or even less, in your opinion, is it my responsibility to establish more of a relationship with her...for the kids' sake? I mean, should I be inviting her to more things? It's my MIL and I can't stand her, nor can my husband because she is a very selfish person. Recently we are in some sort of tiff the reason for which I honestly can't even remember. She won't call here any more. That really irritates me because I'm like "she's going to let some inconsequential tiff between us get between her and her grandkids?" She doesn't ever call here anymore. It pisses me off that she can go on her merry way and know nothing about them and be totally fine with it. I'm not keeping her from them in any way shape or form I swear!!! Do I HAVE to be the bigger person and MAKE her care about them?

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Isaidit

Asked by Isaidit at 10:29 PM on Oct. 31, 2010 in Relationships

Level 6 (110 Credits)
Answers (19)
  • my in-laws NEVER visit, NEVER call. I've tried to keep them in our lives but they don't seem to care so it's their loss. My parents live many states away and even they call all the time and talk to ds on the phone.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:32 PM on Oct. 31, 2010

  • i think that's on her .. If she doesn't care, you kids don't need to see her. They deserve better.
    BShip2010

    Answer by BShip2010 at 10:32 PM on Oct. 31, 2010

  • Not sure what you should do---but as a Grandma too.....Shame on her!!
    Carolannie

    Answer by Carolannie at 10:32 PM on Oct. 31, 2010

  • Nope. I don't babysit adults.
    LindaClement

    Answer by LindaClement at 10:32 PM on Oct. 31, 2010

  • You don't have to do anything. For your kids sake it would be nice if you could try to repair the relationship. If you choose to sit her down and say 'look we don't agree on some thing and that's fine but your grandkids deserve to get to know you and you deserve to get to know them so can we just put the past behind us move forward and just not bring it up anymore. This is all about them, not us.'
    But_Mommie

    Answer by But_Mommie at 10:32 PM on Oct. 31, 2010

  • No absolutely not. Just leave the doors of communication open, (never close them) and be done with it. I know it's hard to be able to squeeze time in, as a grandma, with everyone individually, but I usually just make a habit of visiting with my daughter and the kids together. If no one is that interested, what's the point in going out of your way. Good luck to you.
    m-avi

    Answer by m-avi at 10:33 PM on Oct. 31, 2010

  • Well, I think it's always worth trying, but I can honestly tell you that my mother in law lived minutes from us for my kids entire childhoods. they are now 19, 21 & 28. She has seen them 2 or 3 times in their whole lives. I tried for many years. She didn't like me when my husband and I met because I had been married before, and couldn't be married in the Catholic Church. She has hung onto that all of these years. Cutting her oldest son and her only grandchildren out of her life entirely. I used to send a card or gift at Mother's day, but stopped when she sent a thank you note, and my husband read it, it was signed "From Daria", no mention of the kids, and my husband has never called his mom by her first name. He didn't know I had sent a gift, and told me not to send another. I thought eventually she'd come around, but she never did. It's really sad that petty things can come between family.
    ohwrite

    Answer by ohwrite at 10:36 PM on Oct. 31, 2010

  • OP here - I hear all the time about how grandparents are desperate to see their grandkids and the mother won't allow it. I see that situation as a real tragedy. I just want to be clear here, that is not going on here. If we are in the same room we make small talk and are cordial. The drama is so low key it's almost under the radar. The more time goes by that she just pretends they don't exist makes me hate her even more. I don't know if I can bring myself to try to "work it out" whatever that means because I honestly don't even know what the hell is going on between us. I just know she doesn't like me. Maybe she resents me for being a SAHM with a responsible husband because she never had that. Whatever. All I know is that if it were me, hell or high water couldn't keep me from my grandbabies.
    Isaidit

    Comment by Isaidit (original poster) at 10:38 PM on Oct. 31, 2010

  • Ok, you asked for our opinions....so, this is my opinion. My daughter & I did not get along, and we separated before she was born. We had a very short lived reunioin beginning on her 1st birthday. This was the day that he introduced his only child to his parents. She was their FIRST grandchild. He choose to take from them a special occasion, that they were very upset about. When they met her, they fell in love! But, they are very reserved people by nature, and so, I felt it was my duty to keep her connected to them. They were fairly young grandparents and mew to the game, but since the clearly adored her and lavished her with attention, time, and gifts whenever they could spare a thought or moment in their busy lives....I made every effort to keep her in their lives. Even spending quiet a bit of money on long distance calls when I met and married the man she has come to think of as her father and we moved over 1k miles away...
    DisneyPrincessN

    Answer by DisneyPrincessN at 10:48 PM on Oct. 31, 2010

  • I thought I wrote this. It sounds just like the crazy bitch I call MIL.

    You cannot make a selfish person care for others. My MIL was invited to do all sorts of stuff with us. She never had the time. She only wanted to have pictures of the kids to show off, so she could pretend to be an involved grandmother.
    You expecting things of her will only bring you hearache. She can't see past her own wants and needs. Don't give her a second thought and thank your lucky stars that DH already sees the true MIL.
    dancinintherain

    Answer by dancinintherain at 10:53 PM on Oct. 31, 2010

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