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9 Bumps

what if you aren't IN LOVE with your spouse anymore?

I love my husband, but I don't think I'm IN LOVE with him anymore. I was young when I got pregnant and married him shortly after our child was born. He is a great dad and a good husband when it comes down to taking care of his family, but when it comes to our relationship, I feel as though I'm living with a room mate that just knows me really well. It's like our relationship is on auto pilot. I've told him how I feel, it has been an ongoing problem for years now. I've been distant from him lately, and every time I do this he takes notice after a couple of days and starts acting really nice and affectionate towards me because he thinks I'm cheating on him. I'm still young, I don't want to go 20 years down the road for the kids sake and regret not taking the time to make myself truly happy. How do you deal with a situation so difficult? Telling him I'm done would catch him completely off guard. Any advice?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 7:41 PM on Nov. 1, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (13)
  • You have to be honest with him if only for that love you feel and because he is a good man. You need to spell it out for him so you both can have a chance at happiness somewhere else, do it now and start living your life, instead of dreading it. The longer you take the longer it will be before you both can start a new.
    older

    Answer by older at 7:45 PM on Nov. 1, 2010

  • I recommend you get and read THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES by Dr. Gary Chapman. I think in that book you will find the cause of your problem as well as the solution to it. In the meantime, know that it is far better to love your husband than to be "in love" with him. Remember too that our feelings follow our thoughts. When all your thoughts of your husband are negative, so will be your feelings. You can change the way you think about him. Think about why you first thought he was the man you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. Think about all his good qualities and comment to him about those. Do and say loving things, even if you don't feel like doing and saying them. Next thing you know, you will be "in love" again. It's one of the secrets to a lasting marriage--knowing how to get those feelings to come back when they from time to time up and disappear.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 7:47 PM on Nov. 1, 2010

  • What if you never felt that way? Thats the situation I am in.
    ashisamom

    Answer by ashisamom at 7:55 PM on Nov. 1, 2010

  • Any relationship whether it be with your husband or a new man, will get booring and stagnant here and there becuase you are done discovering all those new and exciting things with each other. Marriage takes work, it doesn't stay exciting on it's own. You have to find new things to be excited with eachother. I worry that some people have this idea of what being in love is, and if everything doesn't feel good right now, something must be wrong and I should leave. I made a commitment to my husband, for better or for worse, forsakeing all others and I meant it.
    Musicmom80

    Answer by Musicmom80 at 7:57 PM on Nov. 1, 2010

  • sounds like he loves you, if he's worried your cheating on him and willing to be nice/affectionate toward you. sounds like you need to change YOUR thinking and heart. day to day activities can get you busy to the point where you just stop thinking of your husband like you used to, when you dated/ during the honeymoon phase. instead of focusing on the negative (whatever quirks he has that gets on your nerves) and start focusing on the positive. like instead of thinking how he wants a break (sits on the couch, flips through the channels) as soon as he gets home, think of how hard he's worked for your family. cherish him. next time you go to the store, grab him something out of the ordinary, something he likes. or make him something. enjoy him, spend some time with him even though you may not like what he does. he enjoy football and you don't? watch the game with him anyway! enjoy HIM, not the game. you'll find yourself lovinghim
    armywife43

    Answer by armywife43 at 7:58 PM on Nov. 1, 2010

  • i recommend 'Feminine Appeal: 7 virtues of a Godly wife and mother. I'm reading it now and it is really helping me. I started find myself just loving my husband, not really 'in love' with him anymore. just he business of life got to me. I knew i needed to find my way back again. reading this book has helped alot, i'm not even done with it and our relationship is going much better
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:02 PM on Nov. 1, 2010

  • Marriage is hard work, you are not always going to be "IN LOVE" . If you lack a spark then do something about it, show him you still love him and want to be with him.
    gulfcoastmom4

    Answer by gulfcoastmom4 at 8:23 PM on Nov. 1, 2010

  • I am amazed at how many of these "I love but am not IN LOVE" posts I have seen. I think you need to talk to him about it first and maybe some counseling (marriage therapist) then if none of those help then maybe it's time to find someone you are IN LOVE with...I mean you must have been in love with him at one time and sometimes people grow and change and not always for the best but hardly for the worse...I think people are just not happy with their marriage and blame being "out of love" for the issues that they fail to see and heal...When you are selfish and not seeing what he may be feeling or needing then he will fail to see your needs also...and vis versa...I would really look at the whole relationship on your part and his but especially on yours before assuming you are not in love because it may be that selfishness has placed a bag over the eyes and someone is failing to see the REAL issues!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:29 PM on Nov. 1, 2010

  • Wow there is this thing called divorce.
    ambr2006

    Answer by ambr2006 at 9:00 PM on Nov. 1, 2010

  • do you really love him or do you just like him as a friend and the father or your children? i used to be in a similar place but before long he wasnt much of a father and we didnt even get along much anymore...one day i just picked up my purse and walked out. best decision ever, but i truly didnt love him at all. infact, now that ive found a man i really do love, i dont think i ever loved my ex at all. you need to decide if what you have for him is really love. if it is, then work on getting that spark back, fake it til you make it. if its not, then its time to move on and the sooner the better.
    LoriaAnn

    Answer by LoriaAnn at 10:19 PM on Nov. 1, 2010

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