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3 Bumps

How do I mend the tension between my mil and I when my husband doesn't want to step in?

There has been unresolved tension between my mil and I for years. There are resentments on both sides. I have tried writing her letters (angers her) I have tried to talk face to face (she gets angry/storms off) She doesn't have good conflict resolution skills. My husband is at his wits end with the situation. I feel unsupported by him when I bring thing up about it. I feel he needs to step up\deal w her. She's extremely overbearing (old school Italian- I describe her as a June Cleaver type mom) She raised her boys co-dependently & still wants to be in every aspect of his/our business. I am usually getting snide comments on the side by her. She loves us very much & loves her grandchildren v much, but doesn't respect boundaries despite my attempts. Her heart is usually in the right place but she's immature/controlling about it. Would give some recent examples but I'm running out of characters. Thanks for listening.

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Jess_momofgirls

Asked by Jess_momofgirls at 2:19 AM on Nov. 2, 2010 in Relationships

Level 4 (41 Credits)
Answers (5)
  • Have you tried talking to her in a way that doesn't seem like you are blaming her? It may take you going and apologizing for what every you've done to offend her and asking if the two of you can start fresh. Once you get to that point, set up some boundaries in a manner she understands that its not to keep her out necessarily but to prevent further misunderstandings.
    hobbitswife04

    Answer by hobbitswife04 at 8:15 AM on Nov. 2, 2010

  • Old school Italian?... Ouch.. the boys should do as she say, and your husband probably is.................... Looks like you tried various things to resolve the issue................. I would keep it low key, and remember: Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer... (because she is family, she will still around)......
    Monica655

    Answer by Monica655 at 8:35 AM on Nov. 2, 2010

  • First, talk to DH about what you want changed, resolved, or whatever. You need to be on the same page with him. If he isnt on your side with your issues, then there will be no resolution. Next, you AND DH, need to have a sit down with her, somewhere public. A coffee shop, a park. If you do it at your house, then you have "homefield advantage, and vice versa And she is less likely to throw a fit in public. And be straight with her, and make sure your DH is backing you up. Tell her that you arent trying to fight, you just want your family to be all together, happily. try to keep telling her its about "the family", not just you two. And if in the end, she wont help the situation, I would cut her out, except for mandatory times, like holidays. When she calls, say you are busy. If she shows up, say you are on your way out, pack up, and get out for 30 min. If she cant be civil, and set a good example for your kids, she is out.
    Mme.Langley

    Answer by Mme.Langley at 3:04 PM on Nov. 2, 2010

  • my my......that's hard do to culture.... only for the fact that italians are old school.... but in the end your husband should always have your side no matter what he married you not fis family.
    Lynnsae

    Answer by Lynnsae at 4:43 PM on Nov. 2, 2010

  • Thanks everyone. My husband & I have decided to sit down w a mediator (counselor) to communicate our wishes/needs. The rest will be up to her. She's a pill. I haven't talked to her in a few days bc of an outburst she had at our house last week-she's making it difficult for me now that I've made it clear I don't want contact @this time. She's a bit of a prima donna. The last outburst was over her bringing 2 dozen cupcakes to my house&started to feed them to my girls. We were about to sit down for dinner (I usually throw away her junk food after she leaves for fear of hurting her feelings) this time I got brave & spoke up& said "If you want to take those back home w you, I don't think we're going to eat them here" My tone was nice as I was careful. She threw a full on hissy fit (in front of my kids) proceeded to tell me I don't appreciate anything & she's never had problems w anyone until she met me. Unbelievable.
    Jess_momofgirls

    Comment by Jess_momofgirls (original poster) at 5:39 PM on Nov. 2, 2010

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