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what to do about porn? adult content

I do not want to divorce. But he admits he's addicted to porn. Tried to give it up but really was having withdraw symptoms and just craved it all the time. He has slide back into watching it once a week or so. I have tried to accept it. Logically I understand it and why he does it or wants to do it. He says he can't masturbate without it. Emotionally I can not handle it at all! I feel he is cheating (even though I know its not the same). It hurts me very much. I have tried sooo hard to overcome that for over a year but can't seem to. I've tried watching myself, with him anything. But it always comes back to me having panic attacks, even nightmares, and feeling like crap and him still doing it. (He's honest with me about it) are we doomed to divorce? Been together 14 yrs just uncovered this a year ago. What do I do now??

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 8:17 AM on Nov. 2, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (18)
  • im going through this same exact thing. Your not doomed. We got into counseling and he hasn't looked in a year. The only way it'll work is if he wants to. Let him know you won't stand for it. Tell him how you feel. Be stern but loving about it. I hope it all works out :)
    Heidikans

    Answer by Heidikans at 8:22 AM on Nov. 2, 2010

  • You have to realize that porn is a natural tendency. Guys are ALWAYS looking at it. They've been looking at it since they were 14 years old. Are you going to let his little habit break a marriage up? Is it THAT important to you that he gives up porn or gives up you? To be honest, you can never change him. Why do you feel like it's cheating? Try to watch it with him (again) and join in on some fun. My ex was so addicted to porn he kept crashing his computer. He would say he wasn't watching it and I would put up such a fight - but after awhile, it's just you losing your breath cuz they're gonna do it regardless. At least he's not out at strip clubs and sleeping with hookers.
    SweetPieMama24

    Answer by SweetPieMama24 at 8:39 AM on Nov. 2, 2010

  • Unfortunately, everything is about sex now a days. You cant have a cell phone, computer, ipod ect. without getting sent porn. He needs to do this for himself or he will never get better. I have been in your shoes and I know how much it hurts. You are not doomed for divorce if he gets treatment, but if he doesn't the resentment is going to keep building and weighing on your relationship. I showed my DH how it felt by doing it right back to him and you know what it hurt his feelings! With men, they don't see the big picture, so actions demonstrates what words can for them. My DH has not looked at porn in almost a yr. He did slip up on his phone once, but then called and had internet blocked on his own and told me a week later. He did the right thing and I know your DH can too. The society we live in is full of sex bc sex sells, but porn is a contributing factor in the divorce rates. Good luck!
    momofone221

    Answer by momofone221 at 8:59 AM on Nov. 2, 2010

  • First off, good for him for realizing it is a problem. That speaks volumes. It means he wants to change. Do not buy into the "All guys do it, so just get over it" mentality that many CMers seem to have. That is not true. Many men do not watch it. DH doesnt. He used to have a problem with it too. I have never liked porn, but always felt it would be pointless to try and get him to stop. Well one day he came to me(about 2-3 years ago) and told me he had a problem with it. And that he wanted to stop but couldnt and he needed help. I was crushed. #1 because I never realized how much he was watching, and #2 that it had such a hold on him and I never saw it. Well, it was a long hard road but we made it through. He got the book "Everyman's Battle" and it helped him so much. He also went to see a counslor. I got "every Heart Restored"......
    RheaF

    Answer by RheaF at 9:02 AM on Nov. 2, 2010

  • I, too, feel that porn is like cheating. If men get their stimulation from visual actions and women get their stimulation from emotional relationships... how would he like you going around having emotional relationships with other men? Not very much, I'm guessing. He needs to know how much porn really hurts you. Any real man that cares about you and your feelings is going to want to seek help, for you and for the sake of your marriage.
    fireeyes81

    Answer by fireeyes81 at 9:06 AM on Nov. 2, 2010

  • ...cont.....
    I highly recommend them both. Today I can say without a doubt that he no longer watches Porn. He no longer "girl watches", and he no longer masterbates. How can I say this? Because I know the changes he made. I never demanded them, and as hard as it was, I stood by him and helped when he needed it. He was the one who said he now knows that watching porn is the same as cheating because of the way he felt while doing it. I am not saying this to try and sound "high and mighty" or anything else. PLEASE do not misread what I wrote. I am writing to share a bit of our story, and to let you know that he can overcome this, and a marriage can be rebuilt. To those who have no problem with porn, it can be hard to undertand what your going through. And you will most likely get alot of crap.
    RheaF

    Answer by RheaF at 9:06 AM on Nov. 2, 2010

  • Please ignore it. As his wife you have every right to feel the way you do. If you ever want to talk, feel free to PM me. Good luck and stay strong.
    RheaF

    Answer by RheaF at 9:07 AM on Nov. 2, 2010

  • Why is my answer getting voted down by all you people?? Guys look at porn! You can't live in a bubble and think that you're darling husband doesn't look at it - you're just wrong, seriously! I'm not saying to get over it - I'm just saying you have to come to terms that its normal and everyone looks at it - it's everywhere, it's not that hard to find.
    SweetPieMama24

    Answer by SweetPieMama24 at 9:13 AM on Nov. 2, 2010

  • And you cannot live in your bubble thinking all men are the same. Blanket Statements and generalizations are just not true,lol. (BTW, I did't vote you down). Sorry, but unless you know my husband, and everyone else's your wrong. Seriously. No one here is saying it is wrong for your SO to watch. If you guys are ok with it then great. Run with that. But not everyone is. And no my Hubby no longer watches. We do not allow it in our home anymore, and he is not so stupid as to jepordize his career and our family by watching at work(yes he would be fired on the poot if it was found on his comp. which is monitored by the company). No, no one has to "come to terms with it". because in many relationships it is not ok. I am sorry, but this mentality is what I was talking about. Why is it so hard for some to realize that not everyone is the same?
    RheaF

    Answer by RheaF at 9:17 AM on Nov. 2, 2010

  • True, not everyone is the same, I'm speaking in generalizations. MOST men DO look at it. As I was saying in my original post, my ex looked at it so much and I would kill myself with fighting him over it. It hurt me, yes. But he NEVER changed. He would say he would stop but they don't. I was just saying, is it really worth risking your marriage over unless he's absolutely willing to change and to stop watching it, knowing it hurts her? Most guys just dont see the big deal and it's just not wasting ur fighting breaths over anymore. That's all I was saying. Some women get extremely hurt by their men looking at porn (the OP) and some women just dont care. Not saying I' dont care, but I don't pay mind to it anymore. If he looks, then whatever, he looks. and i was saying in my original post, at least he's not out cheating on her he's just looking at something that MOST guys do look at.
    SweetPieMama24

    Answer by SweetPieMama24 at 9:27 AM on Nov. 2, 2010

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