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5 Bumps

My husband has female "friends" at work, but they go to lunch (alone), they email and text each other outside of work and not work related things (flirting). I ask him point blank, " Should I be uncomfortable with you having this friendship with this woman?" Of course he says no but then he gets defensive and storms off. I am at a loss, am I a psycho wife who is seeing deceit thats not there or are my worries valid.

1. Never introduced me to any except one, who I get along with fine, and I have no issues with her.
2. Has cheated on me before. ( a long time ago, before marriage and after a break up. We got back together)
3. He gets defensive and doesn't want to talk about it and storms off. I never get to address my feelings or concerns and he never tries to explain.


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Asked by ropes-end at 11:18 AM on Nov. 3, 2010 in Relationships

Level 5 (66 Credits)
Answers (27)
  • His behavior is suspcious. I would wonder and if u r a sahm follow him and see what is going on. Surprise him at work,show up for lunch. Then u can hopefully meet all of his female friends. Then if there r looks across the table orsmiles u will know. That is what I would do if I could not trust my husband on something like this. Let me know what happens. lucky for me my hubby is true blue.

    Answer by dancer at 11:23 AM on Nov. 3, 2010

  • Your worries are valid. If he does not talk about and storms off that means he is feels guilty.

    Start visiting him a work and go out to lunch with him, Just drop in on him. Get a baby sister if you have to.

    Answer by gammie at 11:23 AM on Nov. 3, 2010

  • I dont know all the facts and backgrounds but to me it would be a situation to be a little concerned with. if hes not cheating why is he defensive? i was a full blown jealous B when i met hubby and for a while I would think he was cheating on me and ask him several times and he would laugh and say no and i know he hasnt but it took me a while to realise iw as being irrational and jumping to conclusions.. if he hasnt introduced you to the women and he is secretive then it is concerning. has he let you look at the emails? does he freak out when you check his phone? these behaviours exhibit the tell tale signs of cheaters.. he has cheated before also which could play a part. they say cheaters never lose their spots but some men can change. I know a man who cheated on his wife who was his gf at the time. he stuffed up and has never done wrong by her since. you need to sit him down and really sort this out. :( goodluck

    Answer by Weldo1983 at 11:25 AM on Nov. 3, 2010

  • You're worries are 100% substantial!! You need to let him know that if he wants to act like he's single -- then he better prepare to be single because you aren't putting up with the crap! Idk your dh but I wouldn't be surprised if he cheated on you with one of them! Those women shouldn't be hanging out with a married man either! I'm so sorry you are going through this! Also, I bet if YOU were the one having men call/text/email/flirt with you -- he would flip!!

    Answer by CayShek at 11:27 AM on Nov. 3, 2010

  • Thanks for the kind words.

    @ Weldo; Email is how I found out about the one that initiated this question. It was a little flirty back and forth and then the last line she said was, " What's on ur mind?" and he replied " U ", He says it was just harmless talk, which i don't buy for a split second. He is highly protective of his phone, but will pick mine up without a word.

    My emotional bond is suffering due to this issue and I have expressed this, but he doesn't seem be concerned. I believe I am at the precipice of turing my life upside down. The really sad part is we had just made the decision to try and start a family. I have explicitly said before we got married that if I am not the woman you want to foresake all others for lets not go any further. Why is it so hard for some men to honest with you and themselves?

    Comment by ropes-end (original poster) at 11:44 AM on Nov. 3, 2010

  • Yikes!! What's on your mind? U? Yeah. A husband should never say that to another woman. I am dealing with issues with my husband hanging out with his ex-girlfriend, but he never hides emails, or phone calls and validates my concerns with saying he will stop talking to her the minute I say so. All this seems like nothing compared to what your husband is doing to you. I would validate the spying on him right now. Just be prepared, in case you see somthing you don't want to.

    Answer by sunshine58103 at 12:05 PM on Nov. 3, 2010

  • Those are reasons to be concerned and I speak from experience, both past and present. But the thing i've learned with the present is you have to be careful how you approach it because if it is unfounded then you can push him away with the lack of trust. Or worse, push him into someone elses arms.

    Answer by lizschumaier at 12:13 PM on Nov. 3, 2010

  • you should definitely be worried if nothing has happened so far my guess would be that it isn't far off. I don't believe that male and female coworkers should have lunch, dinner, coffee, or after work drinks etc. together unless there is a big group of coworkers or their spouses there. Nothing good can come from it and that is how emotional affairs START and then escalate into more. Now there is the issue of the emails-sending jokes and forwards is one thing but there is ABSOLUTELY NO REASON that he should be sending personal email to ANY woman other than his wife!!! Not only is he sending emails but they are flirting and he is telling her that she is what is on his mind-that is not nothing that is definitely something and if you choose to let it go I guarantee you are going to regret it. If your husband wants to be married to you then he needs to lose the girlfriend(s) and treat them as what they are coworkers.

    Answer by AshleyBishop06 at 12:14 PM on Nov. 3, 2010

  • With my husband, I know he flirts with other women. I know he flirts with the ones that he works with. He doesn't text people often and he has never cheated on me. I wouldn't be worried if it was my husband. With your husband's history and the fact that he doesn't introduce you to his female friends, i would be concerned.

    Answer by matthewscandi at 12:32 PM on Nov. 3, 2010

  • I know what you are going through. My husband had just started this job and he had a friend that was a girl I didn't care at the time until I found some texts between the two of them. The texts were just llike what you found. I never got to meet this girl and then one day he up and left us. Just don't go ask him about it because it made it worse when I talked to him about it (even though he said I had nothing to worry about)

    Answer by Curtsmom at 1:49 PM on Nov. 3, 2010

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