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4 Bumps

What can I do for him?

I am 22 years old and my parents are getting divorced. My 11 year old brother is doing ok about it but my almost 18 year old brother is out of control and no one seems to be able to do anything. He moved in with our dad when he moved out, my mom didn't want him to but as he was 17 (this all happened over the summer) her lawyer said there's really nothing that can be done. My dad's girlfriend who is 15 years younger then him and only 3 years older then his oldest son, has moved in. I know this bothers my brother alot. My dad has tried to turn him against our mom and while I know he still loves her, he has a lot of undeserved anger towards her. Like I said he is about to turn 18 (in 4 days) and one of my biggest worries is I know he is having sex with his 16 year old girlfriend, in four days that will be a crime in our county. He is also smoking pot and drinking ALOT. I try to offer to do things for him like take him out for...

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JLS2388

Asked by JLS2388 at 12:38 PM on Nov. 7, 2010 in Teens (13-17)

Level 25 (25,280 Credits)
Answers (10)
  • ......lunch to talk and I bought him some school clothes cause with my parents each on their own now, money is tight and I wanted to make sure he had some nice clothes to wear. Sometimes he wil come with me but if our dad is around, he won't cause my dad is mad at me because he couldnt' turn me against mom. The other thing is, even though he is almost an adult, he is only in 11th grade (he had to repeat kindergarden). I am worried what will happen, we all know with teens and sex it is only a matter of time until she gets pregnant plus, as I said, in 4 days, it is a crime (though I doubt her parents care). The drugs and drinking worry me too because our dad is an alcoholic My mom can't do anything cause he doesn't live with her and if she says anything about what he does he refuses to talk toher for weeks and my dad is having too much fun with his girlfriend to care. Can anyone think of anything I can do to help him?
    JLS2388

    Comment by JLS2388 (original poster) at 12:47 PM on Nov. 7, 2010

  • He needs consoling. As you said this is hitting him hard and he has been put in the middle which wasn't fair of you Dad. Keep being there and listening to him. Be his older sister, he will make the mistakes he choose to make. He is old enough to make is own decisions, even if they are bad ones. Him knowing that you are there will help. And tell you mom to hang on, he will see what his Dad is doing in time and then she will have her son back.
    DevilInPigtails

    Answer by DevilInPigtails at 12:56 PM on Nov. 7, 2010

  • have you sat down and talked to your brother about what will happen if he sleeps with this minor? I think I'd have a heart to heart really quickly before his b-day.. Expain to him that you very worried that something bad is gonna happen..I'd talk to my dad too, his reckless behavor isn't helping matters either! Thats a tough situation c ause as long as your dad acts like a kid himself your brothers not gonna lnow right frm wrong. All you can do is talk to him hes at the age where he's gonna do what he wants,and i figure this is gonna b harder on you. best of luck!
    anichols1

    Answer by anichols1 at 1:20 PM on Nov. 7, 2010

  • I think it is great that you are there for your brother and you want to help him. I think you should tell your brother that you love him, you are concerned about him and that you are there for him- to listen if he needs someone to talk to. Would your brother listen to you if you suggested he go to counseling? I do think your brother would greatly benefit from counseling. I would also broach the subject with both your parents and tell them that brother needs help and needs it now! If they won't listen then I think your best bet for getting your brother help would be to contact the school guidance office and talk to one of the counselors there. Tell him/her about the situation and ask them what can be done to help your brother. Are you and your brother members of a Church? If so I would suggest talking to the Clergy person tell them the situation. Maybe they can help as well. I hope all works out- good luck!
    MizLee

    Answer by MizLee at 1:23 PM on Nov. 7, 2010

  • You are being a great big sister, continue doing so, he just has to learn to deal better, and eventually he will...
    older

    Answer by older at 1:43 PM on Nov. 7, 2010

  • I agree with a lot of the comments made so far. Can you encourage your brother to also use reliable birth control? It would be so sad to bring another life into this situation right now.
    elizabr

    Answer by elizabr at 2:24 PM on Nov. 7, 2010

  • Right now the best thing you can do for him is be there for him, tell him how much you love him, and let him know how truly worried you are about him. Although ultimately it will be up to him to want to change, however knowing he has you will be something he needs. Try and get him to open up and talk to you about his feelings. Sometimes drinking or smoking pot is something that may be used to cover up or hide the pain he is feeling inside. He may not want to deal with things so in order to avoid the pain or avoid dealing with life he may turn to alcohol or smoking pot. He needs to know there are better ways to deal with his anger, and emotions. Don't give up, he needs to know he can trust you. Please don't blame yourself if he does not listen or change, hopefully in time he will see the love you have in your heart for him. I hope everything gets better.
    Kellyjude1

    Answer by Kellyjude1 at 2:48 PM on Nov. 7, 2010

  • He needs to be in counseling. You also cannot force him to do anything. He is going to be an adult. Just continue to be there for him. Also understand that you cannot change him, he will do that when he is ready and not a minute before that.
    tyfry7496

    Answer by tyfry7496 at 9:23 PM on Nov. 7, 2010

  • I can see the love and concern you have for your family and I feel for you. Divorce does violence to a family and the people who pay the highest price are usually the children. It's good to love your family, pray for them, and then pray that God will help you to work on your own life and to be all that He called you to be. As all of the other moms so lovingly put it, always keep your door open, but remember to discern when you have to close the door for a time. Sometimes, the only way we can acknowledge the things in our heart and in our lives is when there are very few, if any, distractions. Your father isn't happy, if he were he would not have bitterness in his heart towards a woman who is the mother of his children. Be encouraged love, take care of you and what's in your heart, and God who is the creation of all living things, will take care of everyone else. Be blessed.
    Lordgivemewizdm

    Answer by Lordgivemewizdm at 4:12 PM on Nov. 9, 2010

  • Wow. There is so much going on here. It is great that you are trying so hard to help, but keep in mind that there is only so much you can do for your brother -- the rest really is up to him.

    Does he know how much this is hurting you? Sometimes people will do for others, what they won't do for themselves. If he sees that you need him to do better, maybe that will be a start.

    Also, regarding his sexual activity: if you can't get anywhere with him, are you in a position to talk with his girlfriend...maybe help her get birth control at least? I know it seems a little like condoning the activity, but that may be better than allowing the creation of an innocent victim in this scenario.

    May this work out well for you all.
    ss_mom

    Answer by ss_mom at 10:31 PM on Nov. 11, 2010

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