We are adopting a child(AC) out of state FC, keeping this generic for privacy reasons. The AC is preschool age, developmentally a toddler. AC is medically complex. AC has spent entire life in a hospital, with bio fam visiting 1x a month for 1 hr, lives 45 min away. Since Jan, they have visited 1x. They've had more kids. We met bio fam once. At first we were ok with an open adoption, and maybe a visit. We've tried to set up boundaries for pictures/updates, every 6mnths + special Occ., but it just makes them more pushy. We are wanting what is in the best interest of AC, but we can't help but think about how AC will feel when learns the bio fam had more kids after AC being left at hospital, bio fam lived 45min away & visited 1hr a month, bio mom wants to be a nurse & wouldnt get training to take AC home. Will a visit now or in future benefit AC? How have adoptive parents handled setting up boundaries? Adoptees perspective?
Asked by Anonymous at 3:12 PM on Nov. 7, 2010 in Adoption
Answer by EmilysMommy04 at 1:47 AM on Nov. 17, 2010
Answer by GrnEyedGrandma at 4:35 PM on Nov. 7, 2010
Answer by GrnEyedGrandma at 4:36 PM on Nov. 7, 2010
There is a foster/adopt group that you might feel comfortable in. http://www.cafemom.com/group/3104 It's possible to have an open adoption even thru foster care in SOME situations. Part of your decision-making will depend on whether you/they can feasibly travel if you are far away from each other. That may limit some visits or change the type of communication that they are used to. At the very least, I would activate an email account that is strictly for the birth family to contact you and your AC. There are many ways to do pics so that the birth family can see him/her grow up. You can email pics, snail mail hard copies, or post pics to a family blog. If your child is special needs, then you are going to have to consider the hands on time his/her care as well, so do whatever is easiest for you. Wishing you luck!
Answer by doodlebopfan at 8:02 PM on Nov. 7, 2010
Answer by Anonymous at 3:39 PM on Nov. 7, 2010
My son's biological mother has older children and she has had more children after him. The younger ones, to the best of my knowledge, she is raising. I am determined to be honest with my child. I can't sheild him from any hurt of pain he may feel but I can try to frame it in a way that does not come across as hurtful or mean about his birth mother. Right now we keep it simple because he is only four. So the explanation is he came from her tummy, she picked us to raise him, and the reasons why some birth parents pick adoptive parents to raise their baby. It is not a secret he has siblings. We do not focus on that only because we do not have a relationship with them or contact with his family of origin at this time. I know my son - he would ask if he could talk to them or see pictures. But if my child is old enough to ask he is old enough to hear the answer. If you frame your answer to be age appropriate and
Answer by frogdawg at 8:29 AM on Nov. 9, 2010
at their developmental level....you can be honest and kind. Lots of adoptees have siblings their biological parents do raise after them. As far as boundaries you have to decide what you think is best for your child. I understand it is easy to say they have only visited once in the last month and have spent so little time with him. But they did continue to keep updated.....when a child is sick sometimes guilt and other issues contribute to staying away. I personally would give them the benefit of the doubt and not hold it against them. You don't have to argue. Decide what is in the best interest, tell the family of origin this is what you are comfortable with to start, and leave it at that. Of course you want to hear what their ideas are....but once they have said it, you listened and taken it into consideration, then state what you can do. No arguments or debates necessary. No drama. Just here it is.
Answer by frogdawg at 8:39 AM on Nov. 9, 2010
Answer by confused969 at 7:51 AM on Nov. 10, 2010
Answer by frogdawg at 8:35 AM on Nov. 10, 2010
Answer by kittieashy at 5:57 PM on Nov. 10, 2010
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