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Question about open adoption and bounderies for Adoptive Parents, would also like Adoptees point of view!

We are adopting a child(AC) out of state FC, keeping this generic for privacy reasons. The AC is preschool age, developmentally a toddler. AC is medically complex. AC has spent entire life in a hospital, with bio fam visiting 1x a month for 1 hr, lives 45 min away. Since Jan, they have visited 1x. They've had more kids. We met bio fam once. At first we were ok with an open adoption, and maybe a visit. We've tried to set up boundaries for pictures/updates, every 6mnths + special Occ., but it just makes them more pushy. We are wanting what is in the best interest of AC, but we can't help but think about how AC will feel when learns the bio fam had more kids after AC being left at hospital, bio fam lived 45min away & visited 1hr a month, bio mom wants to be a nurse & wouldnt get training to take AC home. Will a visit now or in future benefit AC? How have adoptive parents handled setting up boundaries? Adoptees perspective?

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 3:12 PM on Nov. 7, 2010 in Adoption

This question is closed.
Answers (12)
  • Let me start out by saying, My husband and I adopted out daughter from my first cousin. To make an extremely Long story short.
    She was/is the type of mother to get pregnant every year and in two weeks to the first six months the child is taken from her. She leaves her child with any one who will keep them and for as long as they will keep them. In my case she gave her child to me. Didn't really care much to be there for Emily. She was pregnant at the time and after three weeks the child was taken from her because she had him almost three days of his life and I guess people got tired of it. idk.
    But to your question. In my personal opinion, letting the AC keep in contact with the Bio's is Really confusing. When the AC is old enough to understand that these people come around every once in a while and it's kinda about me.....why? And the more the Bio's are around and have to leave the child will make them feel......
    EmilysMommy04

    Answer by EmilysMommy04 at 1:47 AM on Nov. 17, 2010

  • All the stuff that gets written in open adoptions is not legally enforceable. I'm not saying it is right, but adoptive parents break those agreements all the time. I mentor an adoptive parents group.. I have also adopted my own grandkids. We choose whatever we think is best for the kids. Right now that includes no phone or physical contact anymore. We let them do that for a while and it was causing behavior problems for my granddaughter. We chose to alter the agreement based on what was in her best interest NOT the best interest of an ex-DIL.
    Our lawyer made it very clear that once the adoption is final we were the parents and no one could legislate what we did or didn't do concerning the bios'. Personally, if I were you...I would make no further arrangements concerning post adoption contact. This child will have the same abadonment issues most adoptees face at some point.
    GrnEyedGrandma

    Answer by GrnEyedGrandma at 4:35 PM on Nov. 7, 2010

  • The best you can do is love and support them..and let them know they were CHOSEN by you .
    GrnEyedGrandma

    Answer by GrnEyedGrandma at 4:36 PM on Nov. 7, 2010

  • There is a foster/adopt group that you might feel comfortable in. http://www.cafemom.com/group/3104 It's possible to have an open adoption even thru foster care in SOME situations. Part of your decision-making will depend on whether you/they can feasibly travel if you are far away from each other. That may limit some visits or change the type of communication that they are used to. At the very least, I would activate an email account that is strictly for the birth family to contact you and your AC. There are many ways to do pics so that the birth family can see him/her grow up. You can email pics, snail mail hard copies, or post pics to a family blog. If your child is special needs, then you are going to have to consider the hands on time his/her care as well, so do whatever is easiest for you. Wishing you luck!

    doodlebopfan

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 8:02 PM on Nov. 7, 2010

  • You can put in the paperwork (can't think of the right term atm) exactly how much you're willing to do - how many visits you're willing to have in a year, how often you're willing to send stuff, etc. Are you going through the state only, or do you have an attorney?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:39 PM on Nov. 7, 2010

  • My son's biological mother has older children and she has had more children after him. The younger ones, to the best of my knowledge, she is raising. I am determined to be honest with my child. I can't sheild him from any hurt of pain he may feel but I can try to frame it in a way that does not come across as hurtful or mean about his birth mother. Right now we keep it simple because he is only four. So the explanation is he came from her tummy, she picked us to raise him, and the reasons why some birth parents pick adoptive parents to raise their baby. It is not a secret he has siblings. We do not focus on that only because we do not have a relationship with them or contact with his family of origin at this time. I know my son - he would ask if he could talk to them or see pictures. But if my child is old enough to ask he is old enough to hear the answer. If you frame your answer to be age appropriate and

    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 8:29 AM on Nov. 9, 2010

  • at their developmental level....you can be honest and kind. Lots of adoptees have siblings their biological parents do raise after them. As far as boundaries you have to decide what you think is best for your child. I understand it is easy to say they have only visited once in the last month and have spent so little time with him. But they did continue to keep updated.....when a child is sick sometimes guilt and other issues contribute to staying away. I personally would give them the benefit of the doubt and not hold it against them. You don't have to argue. Decide what is in the best interest, tell the family of origin this is what you are comfortable with to start, and leave it at that. Of course you want to hear what their ideas are....but once they have said it, you listened and taken it into consideration, then state what you can do. No arguments or debates necessary. No drama. Just here it is.

    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 8:39 AM on Nov. 9, 2010

  • I am an adoptee and in the closed adoption time period so it is hard to imagine differently. I agree with frogdawg that you must do what is best for the child at any particular time. Be honest with him but keep information age approprate-just answer his questions as they come up honestly but tactfully. Being able to see pictures of the bio family is helprul too. As far as visits I know that is becoming common now. I'm not sure how I personally would have felt about visits as a young child as I think it might have been confusing to me. It takes a lot of work and committment on both sides I would imagine to make that kind of contact work when a child is young. As I got into adolescence and the teens I might have welcomed wrtitten communication with my bio family-not sure about contact at that point for me. Just knowing who they were would have been very helpful-I was always worried I might date a relatve not knowing.
    confused969

    Answer by confused969 at 7:51 AM on Nov. 10, 2010

  • It's odd...but it does happen. Relatives dating that is. How they manage in this world to find each other. Rare. But has occurred. About once a year I hear about it in the news.
    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 8:35 AM on Nov. 10, 2010

  • I have an older brother younger siblings and am fine with it. My parents had a closed adoption and I am very happy for that. I think in an open adoption I would have felt more rejection and confusion. Not saying that open adoption is bad or that everyone feels that way, just my opinion.
    kittieashy

    Answer by kittieashy at 5:57 PM on Nov. 10, 2010

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