Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

3 Bumps

Am I wrong?

My 23 yr. old daughter lives at home. She's been using one of our cars. My husband and I recently told her she can no longer use the car, except to go to and from work. She smokes (not in the house) and drinks too much when she goes out. She is very disrespectful of us. I recently had a breakdown and am under the care of 2 psychiatrists, a psychologist, and my primary. I have no memory (thank God!) of the past year because I undergo ECT (electric shock therapy). When I try to talk to her, she's very snippy and tells me there's nothing to talk about and that she hates her life, hates it here. I can not and will not end up back in the hospital so I end up backing off. She played a part in my breakdown as did a lot of factors over the years. Am I wrong to keep trying to reach out to her? Is there anything I can do to get through to her to let her know how much I love her and want nothing but happiness for her?

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 9:17 AM on Nov. 8, 2010 in Adult Children (18+)

Answers (28)
  • Just my humble opinion, but kick her butt out. Then get yourself back up and running, healthy as a horse mentally and at that point maybe she will grow up a little and be more mature, you two can work on repairing your relationship at that point. You cannot take care of her if you can't take care of yourself. You need to be better first.

    Answer by amybaby_19 at 9:20 AM on Nov. 8, 2010

  • Yes there is. You can kick her butt out so that she has to grow up and learn what real life is. She might resent you in the beginning but it sounds like she does anyway right now. One day she'll realize what you did for her and she'll respect you for having the strength to do it.
    Now, I'm not saying tell her today that she has to get out, but give her a month or two to get her stuff together and leave (i.e. job, apt, etc) Above all, if you go with this plan, STICK TO IT. If you back out even once after telling her that you will be kicking her out, she'll walk all over you for at least another 10 years and it really sounds like you don't need it.
    Also, I have the treatment and therapy really helps you so that you can start enjoying this life again.

    Answer by an-apple-a-day at 9:23 AM on Nov. 8, 2010

  • i agree with the pps. totally take care of yourself first. she's plenty old enough to learn how to manage (or not) on her own.

    Answer by dullscissors at 9:24 AM on Nov. 8, 2010

  • It sounds like she has been overindulged and she has gotten used to it. I would stop trying to talk to her, except to lay down some house rules, by which she will either abide or she will be moving out. Disrespect at any age was not tolerated in our home, so perhaps that should be rule #1. At the age she is now, you might even consider a zero tolerance rule. In other words, at the first sign of disrespect, she will be out. If that means she lives on the street, then that will have been her choice. Tough love is sometimes the only way to deal with some people, and it sounds to me like this child is one of those.

    Answer by NannyB. at 9:27 AM on Nov. 8, 2010

  • I would tell her she is old enough to manage on her own, so she needs to get some money saved up because she has to leave in 60-90 days. Tell her you love her and wish nothing but the best for her but its time for her to experience the real world. Not to mention, what an ungrateful brat.. Not many people are as fortunate as her to have parents who love and provide for their children as you have done for her. I was homeless at age 12.. Ive never had the luxuries you speak of, but had I, I surely wouldnt be a b*tch like your daughter is. Shes 23 momma, time to cut the ties and kick her to the curb. She needs to go and find out what the real life is like. GL to you.

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:30 AM on Nov. 8, 2010

  • I meant to say I HOPE the treatment and therapy helps you. Distracted by my own whining kids! lol

    Answer by an-apple-a-day at 9:38 AM on Nov. 8, 2010

  • Well if she hates it so bad there then she's already made her decision. Give her a reasonable time to find another place and let her know that she must move out by that date.

    Answer by worriedmommy600 at 9:39 AM on Nov. 8, 2010

  • Im just a couple years older than your daughter and I would never disrepsect my parents the way she is disrespecting you...its not right! It sounds like to me that she is taking advantage of you. I know you love her and want to make her happy, but she should also want the same for you. I would try to have a deep heart-to-heart conversations about how her actions are effecting you and if she doesn't care or you see no improvment I would let her know its time for her to find a different living situation. you are the only person that knows what you are going through inside, so you are the only person who can protect yourself to the fullest. She is old enough to take care of herself and she should have money for her living expenses if she works, would quit smoking and drinking so much. Hugs.

    Answer by waleb1002 at 9:42 AM on Nov. 8, 2010

  • As alot of mothers do, we put everyone else first until we get ourself in too deep. It may be hard , but I agree with everyone else. Put her out, get yourself back to good health. Give her a touch of the real life with you there to swoop her up. That may be what she needs as much as you. Good luck.

    Answer by arenad at 9:45 AM on Nov. 8, 2010

  • In total agreement with some of the first posters....kick her out.
    You are under no obligation to house your daughter. You are under no obligation to provide your daughter a car. You are under no obligation to give your daughter anything and she is obliviously not provided a healthy environment for you. Get her out of the house!

    Answer by twinsplus2more at 10:00 AM on Nov. 8, 2010

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.