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Need advice and/or opinions on my step daughters situation.

My husband's 10yr daughter lives with her mother who is "extremely" overweight. Her weight is causing her knees to buckle and she falls often. The daughter goes into hysterics when her mother falls. She feels like she needs to stay with her mom to take care of her instead of spending time with us on our visitation time. The mother also is big into gossiping. She does it in front of her daughter. There have been situation where the things the daughter is hearing causes her ill feelings. My husband is torn between leaving her with her mother or filing for custody. Filing for custody means that his daughter would have to change schools. Looking for outside opinions.

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Asked by ChumpMonkey at 12:15 PM on Nov. 9, 2010 in Tweens (9-12)

Level 4 (46 Credits)
Answers (16)
  • It sounds as if the mother is not a good place for her to be. If she is that overweight, eventually the daughter will have to start taking care of her, and that's not okay.

    Answer by corbysmom531 at 12:17 PM on Nov. 9, 2010

  • Sorry, but your husband picked her to be the mother of his child and these are just some things that are going to have to be dealt with. No court is going to remove the child for having an overweight parent, or gossip. There is a reason they are apart, so things are going to be said. It's part of it. Does everyone do it the way they, is it illegal, afraid not.

    Answer by Musicmom80 at 12:18 PM on Nov. 9, 2010

  • Maybe, mediation? With the daughter mother and father? Most courts make the parents attend a parent information class which informs parents not to talk about things infront of the kids... Maybe mom needs a refresher... There is no way that if she is that overweight that it would be suitable for daughter to stay there. It might cause problems with daughter to move her schools and what not. I think that mediation which is often offered free through the court might help.

    Daughter shouldn't be the one taking care of mom, it should be the other way around :'( I hope the best for you

    Answer by littlestar85257 at 12:19 PM on Nov. 9, 2010

  • It may not be good for her to make such a big change (new school and home) but maybe focus on having her spend the time she is supposed to at your house without anxiety. Not even sure a judge would give your husband custody based just on this information. Can the mom and your hubby work together to figure it out?? If not, what about putting her into counseling for her anxiety- a 10 year old should not feel like she needs to take care of her mother. Good luck!!


    Answer by skittles1108 at 12:21 PM on Nov. 9, 2010

  • If it is mking the daughter, become an adult before she needs to. iI would say yes. The parents are supposed to take care of children not the other way around.

    Answer by arenad at 12:24 PM on Nov. 9, 2010

  • Unless the daughter is changing her mother, bathing her, and spoon feeding her it doesn't consitute losing custody. That mom could turn around and sue for having her child taken away because of her weight.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:28 PM on Nov. 9, 2010

  • I don't understand from a mother to a mother...if you see that your health/weight is affecting your daughter why you wouldn't get help...The mother told my husband that she doesn't understand why her daughter feels she needs to take care of her...All i can say to that is..."Are you kidding me?"
    I guess i've watched a friend get custody of 5 children from a decent mother. (there was no neglect-mental or physical issues.) So, why do you not feel that there is a chance of getting custody. In our home she wouldn't have to take care of herself, let alone an adult...Just curious?

    Comment by ChumpMonkey (original poster) at 12:32 PM on Nov. 9, 2010

  • You know, until you walk a mile in someone's shoes you are just being judgemental. If it were so easy to lose weight, everyone would have done it already. And just because what you believe best, is what you want, it's still not your child, and that doesn't make it right either. Don't you think it would be more upsetting for the daughter to worry about her mom all the time because you are forcing her to live with you? And at ten, a child should be doing a lot of things for themselves.

    Answer by Musicmom80 at 12:36 PM on Nov. 9, 2010

  • @ Musicmom80 - I am not being judgemental. As for walking in someone else's shoes, no one can exactly. But i have been overweight myself and know the physical and mental strain it puts on your body as well as a family. I NEVER said it was easy, but it CAN be done. You are right though, if it was easy, everyone would have done it!! For me, it was a matter of life or death. I chose life! I HAD TO lose weight.
    Also, for the record, this situation has nothing to do with what "I" want. I could be heartless and say, "My kids are grow and out of the house what the heck do i care." But this is about the stress and hurt that my husband and his daughter is feeling. Its called compassion!! This is an EXTREMELY fragile situation, either way, the daughter does NOT get to escape the feelings. Either way she has to pay a price!!

    Comment by ChumpMonkey (original poster) at 2:02 PM on Nov. 9, 2010

  • I also never said that a 10yr old shouldn't be doing things for themselves. A 10yr old should not be fixing supper every night for her and her mother. A 10yr old should not be waiting hand and foot on a parent.. A 10 yr old should be playing. A 10 yr old should not be afraid to go play with her friends because she's afraid her mother may get hurt while she's away.. A 10 yr old should be a 10yr old, not 20!

    Comment by ChumpMonkey (original poster) at 2:06 PM on Nov. 9, 2010

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