Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

How to deal with a separation from trauma and abuse?

I finally have come to the realization that I was a prisoner in my own home. A womans church group I attend every Tuesday opened my eyes and gave me the courage to kick my husband out. For 16 years I have put up with verbal abuse, for 13 years I put up with some physical abuse, not harsh though, and for 6 -7 years he has slept on the sofa. I'm going to wait for at least 6 to 8 months to see if he seeks help. If he does not then I'm definetly calling it quits.

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 4:17 PM on Jul. 4, 2008 in Relationships

Answers (4)
  • I think you are prolonging your agony. Do NOT wait 6 or 8 months. Set a deadline for him for IMMEDIATELY seeking help or you call it quits. Once you give him months before you even consider it you give him the opportunity to continue to control you then after 8 months he'll ask for more time. Meanwhile he is living his life as he wants with total freedom while you sit and wait for him to think about considering working on himself and coming home a fixed man. NO, it doesn't work that way. You kicked him out. Set your boundaries and take control back of your life. If he wants back, he gets help NOW and in 6 months you can consider remarrying him. Make him win you back. Give him a goal. Keep the slack pulled taunt in the rope of your life. Show him the consequences if he doesn't make things right. It will take longer than 8 months to get a divorce filed and ready for court. If he complies with counseling and works hard then you can always drop the divorce case.

    Answer by admckenzie at 4:46 PM on Jul. 4, 2008

  • He is still controlling you if you are waiting for him to change. You need to separate, not for him to prove that he can change but to show you that you can do it without him. I too was in an abusive marriage, it was horrible. I was so liberated when I left him. Believe it or not, we are actually pretty good friends now.

    Answer by HeatherTurner at 6:10 PM on Jul. 4, 2008

  • After that many years of verbal and physical abuse, do you really think he'll change even with therapy? I very much doubt it. And even if he "gets help", he'll probably just do it long enough to get back in, then he'll return to his old ways and possibly worse. I wouldn't take that chance!
    You really need to concentrate on letting yourself heal and bringing "the fear" back into the home will only stop the healing and make matters worse.
    I suggest divorce him immediately and don't look back. And if you don't believe in divorce, so be it, but the Bible doesn't say it's okay for a man to verbally or physically abuse their wives! I'd live alone the rest of my life before putting up with the abuse.
    You've been so used to being abused by him that you think he actually deserves a 2nd chance. Well, every time you let him get by with it during all those years was a chance for him to stop and he didn't.
    Good luck!

    Answer by jon6pat at 1:06 AM on Jul. 5, 2008

  • call it quits now. no one deserves that kind of treatmetn and if he loved you, it would be impossible for him to treat you that way. its over, been over, long ago. sorry.

    Answer by princezzmommie at 3:14 AM on Jul. 5, 2008

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.