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8 Bumps

How do I tell my son? adult content

I was raped when I was 16, and I got pregnant. My son is now 5. He knows that my husband isn't his real father, but since he's the only father he's ever had, he loves him, and doesn't ask many questions about his bio dad. He has been spending time with a boy down the road, who keeps asking him where his real dad is. Everyone knows my husband and son aren't related because my husband is dark skinned and my son is totally white. So my question is, how do I tell my son that I don't know who his father is? He's obviously too young for the full truth, but what do I tell him when he's older? How do I let him know that it doesn't make a difference to me? How do I keep him from worrying about becoming like his father? A boy I grew up with was the result of rape, and when he was older, he took his own life, rather than risk becoming like his father. So how do I help my son? Has anyone dealt with this?

Answer Question
 
busyyoungmom

Asked by busyyoungmom at 3:44 PM on Nov. 9, 2010 in School-Age Kids (5-8)

Level 6 (110 Credits)
Answers (24)
  • you dont have to tell him.
    piwife

    Answer by piwife at 3:46 PM on Nov. 9, 2010

  • I would suggest reading books / internet / couseling on how to approach this with your son as I can see how hard it will be on and for both of you. I am so sorry you have to deal with this... GL!
    maxsmom11807

    Answer by maxsmom11807 at 3:47 PM on Nov. 9, 2010

  • Yes, I do. I don't want him to find out from someone else by accident.
    busyyoungmom

    Comment by busyyoungmom (original poster) at 3:48 PM on Nov. 9, 2010

  • Well one way is to lie to him. tell him his Bio father was a one night stand. You didn't really know him. that is a safe, good lie.
    Or wait tell her is grown or almost grown and tell him the truth, if you can wait that long.
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 3:53 PM on Nov. 9, 2010

  • Ok, first of all, people can't just assume your husband isn't his father. My husband is Mexican and is very dark, but both of our kids have turned out as white as me. Our daughter even has light skin, light hair and eyes! My son looks exactly like him, except very white! For now, you could tell your son that other people are judgmental and nosey and he could just say "that is my dad!" Then explain to him why we accept people for who they are and don't judge based on outer appearances.
    I have more, but it's too much......I'll post again :)
    CJM_SHM

    Answer by CJM_SHM at 3:56 PM on Nov. 9, 2010

  • He's 5. As long as he's loved no need to know how he got here.
    Iluvmy5

    Answer by Iluvmy5 at 3:57 PM on Nov. 9, 2010

  • Also, I so this show about kids who come from killers and even though most didn't grow up with their parents, once they discovered their parents were killers, it made them feel as though they might be the same person. An evil monster and they all had issues with drugs, alcohol, attempted suicide, things like that. So I see why you are worried.
    My advice would be, when he is ready to hear the truth, tell him the truth, explain to him that you made the decision to have him because you wanted him and you would have it no other way. And then, take him to therapy right away so they can work with him and teach him that he is his own person and who his father is or what he did does not in any way define him. Therapy is key in a situation like this and it will be important that you take him as soon as you decide to tell him, instead of waiting to see if he needs it. I wish you luck and am sending really postive thoughts your way!
    CJM_SHM

    Answer by CJM_SHM at 3:59 PM on Nov. 9, 2010

  • First off, it's no one's business that you got pregnant from rape. The fact that you told anyone you might not be able to trust, is your own fault. Hopefully you only told people who you trust that would not go telling everybody. Telling him he is a product of rape is a horrible idea. I really think that before you go telling him this, that you see advice from a psychologist & ask them how it could possibly affect your child. You are not thinking of the nest interest of your child here. Telling him that he is a product of rape willdo ABSOLUTELY nothing but make him feel like shit.

    So, i guess it's up to you. Tell him & possibly ruin a perfectly happy kid, or don't tell him & give him another reason why his real dad is not in the picture.

    IMO, telling him the truth is only going to screw him up. No one in the universe would take that info well & feel good about it afterwards. It's only going to screw him up & confuse him
    samurai_chica

    Answer by samurai_chica at 4:07 PM on Nov. 9, 2010

  • Hes only 5. No need to go into detail about it now. For now just tell him it was someone that mommy ended up not getting along with so we (real dad and mom) decided that it would be best if we didnt talk or see each other anymore. Whatever you choose to say Good Luck and bless you for having the strength to bring him into the world.
    tntmomof2

    Answer by tntmomof2 at 4:12 PM on Nov. 9, 2010

  • This is a really tricky issue because it obviously brings up all sorts of questions for him and how much info is age appropriate, etc. I really think the best advice I can give is to tell you to talk to a child psychologist about the best way to handle this. They can help advise you of how much to tell and when to tell it. I feel like this might be the kind of thing where you tell a little bit about it as time goes on, obviously a 5 year old doesn't need the whole story but you also have to answer his questions in some way. Maybe by the time he is older more of the truth can be revealed. Everyone is giving you advice but this is really something so serious I think help from a professional is in order. As you said, you want to be honest and at the same time you want to make sure that your son knows that he is not his father and you loved him so much to bring him into this world and that it is a blessing. Best of luck to you.
    MaryMW

    Answer by MaryMW at 4:15 PM on Nov. 9, 2010

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