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6 Bumps

I've been married 20 years...

last year he cheated and now it's the elephant in the room. I can't seem to get past it and it's destroying me. He says he doesn't want a divorce and I'm not sure if I do or don't but I know I can't continue like this. Yes, we've been to counseling, etc. but for reason, he won't come 100% clean about everything and at this point he just screams at me "get over it already" at which point I want to kick him in the balls so hard, he ends up wearing them like earrings. I can't forget therefore I can't forgive. Help?!?!?


Asked by ShouldHaveLeft at 5:18 PM on Nov. 9, 2010 in Relationships

Level 23 (16,621 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (14)
  • Here's a funny thing I've learned as I've gotten don't forgive someone for forgive them for yourself. Hate and anger only eat YOU up from the inside. You will never forget what he has done. Your choice is really more about trust. Do you trust him again or do you refuse to trust him again. It is a valid point. If you can't trust him what is the point of remaining married. It doesn't happen overnight, it takes a lot of time. It could be a good idea for you to return to counseling, alone, to learn if you can overcome the anger. Please know I am not saying you shouldn't be angry...but to move forward with your life, with or without have to get past the anger.


    Answer by GrnEyedGrandma at 5:26 PM on Nov. 9, 2010

  • You don't have to forget to forgive. Forgiveness is for you, not for him. Knowing details isn't as important as knowing he won't do it again. Channel that energy in to mending the bridge if you are interested in saving your marriage. Men screw up. Decide what you want then move in that direction.

    Answer by admckenzie at 5:22 PM on Nov. 9, 2010

  • then I think that does answer your question. I don't think it CAN last.. and its not fair at ALL for him to tell you how to feel about his unfaithfulness.. not ever.. you don't HAVE to get over it.. if you don't think you can get past it after trying and talking and couseling, than it could be something that HE ruined in your relationship. * sorry for your situation *

    Answer by maxsmom11807 at 5:20 PM on Nov. 9, 2010

  • From my personal experience.

    One can forgive However. One never forgets. The memories do become less painful over time. The memories change with time. Understanding comes with time. Acceptance comes with time. But one never truly and entirely forgets. One can choose to allow the memories impact their future or not. One can choose to wallow in those memories, or one can choose to put them in their place and move on. One can choose to focus on them and constantly think of them. Or one can choose to let the memories begin to fade with time. One can choose to bring those memories up and throw them in another's face when they are hurt/sad/angry. Or one can choose to focus on the now and the problems issues that face them today, not what faced them yesterday.

    Dealing with cheating is never easy, regardless if one leaves or stays. Both are difficult. However, once a choice is made, then work to make that choice a good 1.

    Answer by pixie_trix at 5:28 PM on Nov. 9, 2010

  • Well isnt it cute he thinks he can give a timeline on when you should be over his infidelity? I would leave him. I know its not that simple always but just going off what u said that would be my answer

    Answer by imuney at 5:25 PM on Nov. 9, 2010

  • (((((hugs))))) I have no advice.....

    Answer by Anna92464 at 5:45 PM on Nov. 9, 2010

  • It would be a deal breaker for me. You just don't get over it. He is the one who needs to be totally honest and wait for you to get through this, if ever. I'm sorry you are going through this. hug

    Answer by elizabr at 5:56 PM on Nov. 9, 2010

  • He's an ass for telling you to get over it. You're allowed to ask questions in order to process the info. I don't know, can you trust him again? Can you move out for a while or kick him out so you can try living alone to see if that feels like you're not trapped?

    Answer by jeanclaudia at 6:35 PM on Nov. 9, 2010

  • Well if you want him to be forth coming with you..then you can not injure the man. You have to tell him I can not get over this because I feel like you have not given me full disclosure. You have to find a way to let him tell you everything. If he even will. Perhaps you need some personal counseling. Perhaps you need to get a night or weekend out with girlfriends. Go hog wild let it out everything.
    My husband did something that hurt me deeply. He missed my brothers funeral. For crying out loud. Then he made no effort to come to my Sister's house after the funeral. Then when I got home he asked me "what is for dinner".. WHAT THE F... I had a very difficult time.
    This is not what your going through. But perhaps you need some distance to see clearly. I am not saying to kick him out. But maybe he needs to go for a few days or you go. Visit your family or friends. Let him see that life could go on with out you.

    Answer by mmmegan38 at 6:36 PM on Nov. 9, 2010

  • I don't know what is going to be the key to your sucess. However I know that many marriages move on and are stronger. If you are true to your self and you realise that you can not stay with him don't do it messy. Be honest and sincere. Don't kill the guy. We all make mistakes. You have to find it in your heart. Your answers are in you.
    The next time he tells you get over it all ready tell him "just because your ready for forgiveness doesn't mean I am ready to offer the olive branch"... Forgiveness or not you need to be civil about it.

    Answer by mmmegan38 at 6:38 PM on Nov. 9, 2010