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3 Bumps

I'm not sure if I love him anymore, what should I do?

I have only been married to my husband for 2 years and I'm not sure if I love him anymore. It's really hard because I have my daughter, 2 step-kids and 1 from the both of us. I haven't kissed him in over a year and I can't stand him to touch me at all. Sometimes when I do try, when we make love I always end up crying and I feel so disgusting afterwards. Whenever I ask him to do something, it doesnt get done at all. I'm tired all the time, I work full time, take care of the kids and they even have to come to work with me and I'm trying to go back to school as well and keeping the house clean sometimes is very difficult. There are times that my husband just comes home from work and goes straight to sleep. It feels like I have to do everything and it is very hard because a lot of the time when it comes to the kids I am the one who disciplines them and he does nothing, he's the good one and I'm the bad one. I don't know what to do

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hrdwrkngmom_09

Asked by hrdwrkngmom_09 at 5:36 PM on Nov. 9, 2010 in Relationships

Level 3 (15 Credits)
Answers (13)
  • Sounds like you need to go to counseling together and figure out what's going on.
    mommy_of_two388

    Answer by mommy_of_two388 at 5:38 PM on Nov. 9, 2010

  • Leave him. Sounds like the relationship is pretty much over anyway. And if you're doing it all yourself and there is no intimacy between the two of you, what is the point? To stay together for the kids? That isn't a good enough reason.
    cheekycherub

    Answer by cheekycherub at 5:41 PM on Nov. 9, 2010

  • I would recommend counselling, too. And perhaps a marriage encounter weekend or a retrovaille weekend.....I am told they can be helpful even if you are not religious....
    Anna92464

    Answer by Anna92464 at 5:43 PM on Nov. 9, 2010

  • Here's my thoughts based on what you have shared.

    You still most likely "love'" your husband. However. Resentments, hurt feelings, and disappointments have caused the two of you to seperate from each other emotionally and become disconnected. The actions and behaviours going on are not ones that create "loving" feelings. Being in love, loving one another, takes action. It is the actions that we do for/with one another that bring about love and loving feelings. When a couple is not actively trying to promote love and loving feelings towards one another, then those feelings start disappearing. Add on top of that resentments due to behaviours/actions, hurt feelings ect.Then you have a couple who has disconnected and no longer feel "love" for one another.

    Love can come back. However. It takes action on BOTH partners part to do so, the actions of sharing/showing love, Part of that includes working out ALL the problems too.
    pixie_trix

    Answer by pixie_trix at 5:45 PM on Nov. 9, 2010

  • It sounds like you guys have a lot on your plate. Going to work full time, school, and kids is too much especially if your husband is doing just as much. Could you just go to school part time and work part time? It sounds like you guys aren't communicating well either, which goes both ways. As far as feeling like you're not in love anymore, I'm not so sure it's that. I think maybe your stress level is so high that you may think 'how can I have personal time with my husband?' or maybe you feel some anger towards him and you're resulting in not being intimate or communicating with him. I would advise some counseling and maybe try to figure out a better strategy with work and school...if you don't my guess is that you will eventually crash and burn. I've had personal experience with it as a single mother and you can crash and burn fast. I hope all goes well for you guys and I hope it gets better. Just try to talk to him.
    britthoch2010

    Answer by britthoch2010 at 5:45 PM on Nov. 9, 2010

  • Love is more of an action than a feeling. It sounds like there is little to no action by either of you to SHOW love. Love takes work and when that doesn't happen, your situation presents itself.

    I am with mommy of two...it sounds like you either need to sit down and really talk (no kids around) or you need a counselor to help you out with the communication.

    You each need to SHOW your love .This does not mean affection all the time either it can be just DOING things for each other. Putting the other persons needs above your own. Then when the other person is only worried about your happiness and you are worried about theirs, you don't have to worry about yourself.

    Think this way...if he always goes to sleep and never worries about what you need, how do you feel? If you always worry about keeping the house clean rather than spending some time with him, how does he feel? I am sure that there are numerous situations
    Jademom07

    Answer by Jademom07 at 5:46 PM on Nov. 9, 2010

  • It's hard sometimes.....there is another thing too, before I met my husband when I got pregnant with my daughter it was not consensual. So whenever I close my eyes I see it over and over again in my head and it recently started just this past year. My daughter is now 5 years old so it has been a while since it has happened. Right now I do only go to class one night a week and next semester I was only going to take 2 classes. I wish that I didn't have to work at all and just stay home and take care of my kids but my husband does not make enough for me to stop working. I've tried talking to him about what needs to be done and if he could at least help me with things but whenever I ask for any help he always makes this little noise like I've asked too much.

    hrdwrkngmom_09

    Comment by hrdwrkngmom_09 (original poster) at 6:14 PM on Nov. 9, 2010

  •  Sometimes I just feel like giving up but then I don't know because he has said before if I ever left him he would take 3 of the kids with him. 2 of them are my step kids so I really have no legal right to them at all. I just hate that he has thrown that in my face.

    hrdwrkngmom_09

    Comment by hrdwrkngmom_09 (original poster) at 6:15 PM on Nov. 9, 2010

  • I remember those days. I felt like I was living with my brother. It is hard. You can make it through these times. Think back to when you got married. Do you remember the love you felt for him? Think about it. Focus on it for a little bit.
    You are in a very tough time in your relationship. No one ever tells you how hard it is to raise a family and be married and keep on top of everything. It is very over whelming. Something has to give and usually it is the relationship. Some how you have to come to terms with your husband who btw is just as tired and worn out as you are. Even though you feel like he does not do his fair share he is going through the same situation as you are.
    Try to make some couple time. Don't put too much pressure on this time. Don't try to be the happy perfect wife, but don't complain a lot either. I remember some dates that went horribly wrong. Try talking about things you both agree on. Kids...
    mmmegan38

    Answer by mmmegan38 at 6:29 PM on Nov. 9, 2010

  • Try little things. Don't go for romance, go for friend ship. Go for watching a football game and making snacks. Try to remake the relationship. One tiny baby step at a time.
    mmmegan38

    Answer by mmmegan38 at 6:30 PM on Nov. 9, 2010

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