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12 Bumps

Why do step mothers think they have the same say as a parent?

I have noticed in a lot of posts that mothers are complaining about the way their child's SM acts. It seems that some SM feel that they are on equal footing as the mother or the father. If you are a SM and feel this way let me clue you in, being a SM doesn't mean you are a parent, it means you MARRIED a parent. There are of course, special cases such as the BM is not around or deceased, but for most of the cases where the child/ren live with the mother and visit their dad, the SM needs to realized that parenting decisions are between the mom and dad not mom, dad and SM. I also see so many complaining about the mom and the way the step kids are raised. If you have a prob with with mother of your boyfriend's children or the way she chooses to raise her children then you either need to realize that they are not you children and what she does (providing it is not abuse) is not your concern and get over any resentment you feel


Asked by JLS2388 at 7:24 PM on Nov. 9, 2010 in Parenting Debate

Level 25 (25,280 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (79)
  • If a step mother is trying to take over the role of the biological mother than this issue should be addressed immediately with the biological father and stepmother immediately. Make sure the children do not hear the discussion and explain your feelings about it. If the child is expiriencing grief and comes to you with the problem then I would assure the child that she is strictly their as a good role model and to respect their elders to an extent. When it starts to get out of hand step in and discuss it. There are boundaries for everything and set the limits and regulations in a mature manner.

    Answer by Momof2kidz104 at 7:39 PM on Nov. 9, 2010

  • In my house decisions are made between me and my husband. And on the other side some BM's think they have the right to tell the sm whether or not the child has to abide by the rules in the other home. Each parent has the right to make the rules and decisions regarding their home. And BM's need to get over the resentment of not having ALL the control.

    Answer by sue118 at 7:31 PM on Nov. 9, 2010

  • ...unless they reside within the same home..then i'd think the SM does have some say. maybe not on equal footing as the BM, but if they share the same household, any idiot knows harmony begins where divisiveness ends. and some BM just cause drama needlessly. note i said SOME, in both instances.


    Answer by dullscissors at 7:26 PM on Nov. 9, 2010

  • Im sorry, but my husb has been in my boys' lives for 15 years. He is my partner in every way & that includes parenting. He does have a right to say something since he is helping to raise them. We do have our disagreements when it comes to parenting style -in which case, I usually get the veto, but to tell him he has no say in how they're raised is ridiculous. That's like saying," OK, you can help pay for these kids, help care for them when they are sick, etc., but you dont get a say in how they're raised! Oh yeah, you're also supposed to be perfect b/c if they pick up one of your bad habits, you get crucified." That's just not right.

    Answer by mrsmom110 at 7:30 PM on Nov. 9, 2010

  • If the SM is caring for the children, the BM and the children need to realize that they MUST respect and obey the rules of the house, regardless of who is enforcing them.
    Just like when we are at school, work, public events, a wedding, etc. different rules apply, and what may work with the BM does not necessarily have to work with the SM- Parents need to be PARENTS, quit worrying about YOUR BS and think about what is in the best interest of your children... sounds like you have jealousy issues OP.

    Answer by ObbyDobbie at 7:31 PM on Nov. 9, 2010

  • My house, my rules. Even neighborhood kids who play at my house have to follow my rules even though they aren't biologically mine.

    Answer by GoodyBrook at 9:29 AM on Nov. 10, 2010

  • Really, it all just depends on the entire family dynamic and it will be different for each family. It depends on the age of the kids, how long the parents have been together, the other parents involvement, how often the child lives with the step-parent. It's really just too complicated to have a straight answer and hopefully it's worked out in most families so that EVERYONE involved feels respected and appreciated.


    Answer by skittles1108 at 7:35 PM on Nov. 9, 2010

  • Is she married to your childs father? Whether or not your child "lives" with them it is still their home and their rules. No child is going to come to my home and not follow our rules.

    Answer by sue118 at 7:37 PM on Nov. 9, 2010

  • If a child comes in my home they abide by my rules. I don't care who they are. I was a SM until I adopted my SS. You don't make the rules or decisions in your ex husband's house just the children are there.

    Answer by matthewscandi at 7:39 PM on Nov. 9, 2010

  • what state do you live in????? Guess what, where I come from the courts say that when the child is with one parent the other has NO RIGHT to tell them what to do unless there was a safety issue. I have been a mother, step mother and had a child who had a step mom, so I am very familiar with the dynamics and the law. You sound like you are bitter and angry and are having a hard time accepting that you may not have ALL the say.

    Answer by sue118 at 7:41 PM on Nov. 9, 2010