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4 Bumps

Dilemma with my husband

Okay, so I'm married 27 years now to a really good guy except that he's more than willing to sit back and leave me in charge of everything: finances, kids, grocery lists (even though he cooks as much as I do), everything. I can probably list on one hand the number of plans or decisions he's initiated and taken care of on his own. Even when he does take care of them like making dentist or doctor appointments, I'm usually the one who has to ask him to do it. I'm starting to feel like I want a man in my life who'll take care of me for a change - and I want it to be my husband!! Any suggestions?

Answer Question
 
ceallaigh

Asked by ceallaigh at 3:30 PM on Nov. 10, 2010 in Relationships

Level 24 (19,921 Credits)
Answers (16)
  • to be honest I think it is a man thing! My husband is pretty much the same! I too wish he could take care of some of the daily up keep of a family!
    jem102675

    Answer by jem102675 at 3:32 PM on Nov. 10, 2010

  • Ask him to "take over" something where he'll have to make decisions. Once he gets more involved, he may realize it makes him feel good. My husband insisted he be part of all the things at home once he lost his job. It's been great, and he doesn't feel like a lump. Good luck!
    amybaby_19

    Answer by amybaby_19 at 3:32 PM on Nov. 10, 2010

  • May I ask something first?

    How did things get to this point? Meaning. Did you just always take control of things ? or Did he refuse to take control of things? Did you do everything yourself because it would be done "right"? or Did you take control over everything because you did not like the way he did things?
    pixie_trix

    Answer by pixie_trix at 3:32 PM on Nov. 10, 2010

  • I hear ya. Somtimes I feel like I just have an extra child instead of a husband
    arenad

    Answer by arenad at 3:33 PM on Nov. 10, 2010

  • you could make him a list
    sounds like a joke, but if he can follow directions, and it sounds like yours can, tell him with a list

    most not all*
    Men are simple stupid creatures
    but if a man can follow directions on a list that you provide, you can help him with the brain his was given
    fiatpax

    Answer by fiatpax at 3:34 PM on Nov. 10, 2010

  • pixie trix, I think in the beginning I did the things I was best at, like paying bills and keeping the calendar and balancing the checkbook. I don't think I ever took over anything because I didn't like the way he did it. I think I mainly did it just so it would get done. Like sending out Christmas cards, he's more than happy to help but I have to say that it's time to do it and buy the cards and the stamps and print out the address labels. It's like that with most everything, he's happy to help but he very, very rarely takes the initiative. I'd just like to have some things taken care of where I don't even have to think about them at all.
    ceallaigh

    Comment by ceallaigh (original poster) at 3:38 PM on Nov. 10, 2010

  • So a definite pattern, expectations, and order of things has been established over the years. And the longer the two of you have been married, the more "set" in these things you both will be.

    He most likely has just relenquished "power" (for lack of a better term..) because he never really had it. If you have always just "done " things, for whatever reason, then he would have no reason to start doing things now.

    It's perfectly understandable wanting to be taken care of instead of being the one who is taking care of everyone else. I totally understand that. So, if you are ready to be the one taken care of. Then you need to let go of control, hand it over to him and allow him to begin taking care of you. He will not do things just like you do, he will not prioritize things the same way you do, he will not view things the way you do. However, if you want HIM to take control, you have to let him do things HIS way.

    Cont.
    pixie_trix

    Answer by pixie_trix at 3:43 PM on Nov. 10, 2010

  • Not really. I've noticed that just kind of how the good ones are. The bad ones will either plain out disrespect you and purposely not do things and will let you know why they didn't or they'll screw it up on purpose and let you know.

    Mine says he doesn't make decisions so that he is never wrong. Lol

    I kinda think he has a good phylosophy going there sadly. :)
    Memigen

    Answer by Memigen at 3:44 PM on Nov. 10, 2010

  • phylosophy (spelling?)

    I feel like I spelled that wrong on so many levels! lol
    Memigen

    Answer by Memigen at 3:45 PM on Nov. 10, 2010

  • Now believe me, that's a lot easier said than done. When you are always the one "doing" it's damn hard to sit back and watch/allow someone else to do for a change. The automatic reaction is to jump when and take care of something yourself if it isn't being done the way you would do it or feel it should be done. However, if you want him to take control of somethigns, you're going to have to let go of that control and let him do things his way.. Step in if he's royally screwing up and there are consequences that could affect you guys in a negative manner. But otherwise let him do things his way.

    Sit him down sometime soon. And flat out tell him. I have been doing "X" (whatever it is you would like for him to take over) for "X" amount of years. I need a break. I need you to step up , take control and start handling these things for me/us/our family. This is something I need you to do. Hopefully you guys can work something out
    pixie_trix

    Answer by pixie_trix at 3:47 PM on Nov. 10, 2010

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