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I have been married for 17 years and I am very miserable.

I have 2 beautiful daughters ages 15 and 10 and I have a history of depression. I am on disability for it. I don't know how much the marriage is contributing to my pain. I am also in therapy for sexual abuse issues from my childhood. I feel so alone in my pain with no connection at all with my husband. He basically provides for us and that is it. I don't know what to do. I am so scared for many reasons. I don't know who I am and what I would be like being on my own. He has provided for us, but as far as a marriage is concerned we are just roommates. I can't live this way. I have suffered enough. then people tell me to give him a break because he has been there for me. Yes and no. I am so confused. Help!!!!!!

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Asked by angelsoul219 at 4:44 PM on Nov. 2, 2008 in Relationships

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Answers (7)
  • I think your husband is probably overwhelmed with your depression and your sexual abuse issues. I have been right where you are, and I can tell you that your depression and the abuse are probably cause and effect. Mine were. Your husband may very well be terrified of doing or saying the wrong thing, and so he withdraws. That's the way most men tend to handle these things. It sounds like you have a good man, and I think there are a bunch of things that you can do to help your cause. I don't think it's time to throw in the towel just yet.

    Answer by NannyB. at 4:54 PM on Nov. 2, 2008

  • I have a GREAT book I'd love to suggest.... however it's written by a Christian and rubs a lot of women the wrong way. If you'd like to know the title, and read an excerpt, you can message me =)

    Answer by dedicatedrider at 4:54 PM on Nov. 2, 2008

  • I'm dealing with the same stuff but without the marriage issues. He does work a lot and it's really hard. I'm stressed out with a two year old who never listens and we're expecting again. I'd love to read you advice you get!

    Answer by AshJoe05 at 5:03 PM on Nov. 2, 2008

  • Have you had your husband join you in your therapy? A mediator may help. He'd feel more a part of your healing process and might gain some tools to help you. You must communicate with him, it may not be fair on his part either, maybe he's miserable too? Maybe this sounds remedial, but have you adjusted your diet and exercise regiment toward your depression ever? It's PROVEN to help significantly. A thirty minute walk a day does wonders for me! Raises your dopamine levels.
    Good luck sweetie!

    Answer by Tirzah6 at 5:04 PM on Nov. 2, 2008

  • Sounds familiar to me in many ways except I am not on disability for depression. If you are getting feedback like that, there may be a nugget of truth to it. For now, I live with my husband as friends (in our case, with benefits) rather than roomates. I think my depression is enhanced because my husband is emotionally unavailable. I plan to be capable of getting out on my own when my children are out of the house. I do not need to do it now or want to do it now. I may choose to live my own life and continue the way we are now after the kids are gone. The main thing is, it's my choice. If you could live happily outside of your marriage, I would encourage you to explore that option. I am wondering if you have a spiritual life. Regardless of the pain or problem or even the spiritual path chosen, it seems to help most people in the sturggle to find a life worth living.

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:34 PM on Nov. 2, 2008

  • Talk to him. Maybe he feels the same way. If you're roommates, he must have noticed? He is your hubby, talk to him. If you want things to change include him in the conversations.

    Answer by shmorris56 at 9:29 PM on Nov. 2, 2008

  • Have you ever heard of a therapy called NLP Neuro Lingistic reProgaming. This has helped me immensely!!! More than any counselor or phycologist or dr. Look it up, try to find a practitioner in your area. It may just change your life, your kids lives and your husbands. Getting help for yourself IS the answer for you. There is also Hypnosis that is VERY healing for past trauma, although I recommend the NLP if you can find someone good in your area. Please try! it will make a big difference in your own personal happiness.

    Answer by peppermintkathy at 8:47 AM on Nov. 3, 2008

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