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Does this make me a terrible daughter?

About three years ago my dad found out he had colon cancer that had spread to his liver. He also found out he is diabetic and his kidney function is low. So he took chemotherapy for several months. Then two years ago the liver cancer was back and very virulent, meaning it is growing quickly. His doctor said he would have 2-3 years to live. That they would treat it, but it would never be cured.
So they keep treating it and trying different things to keep it at bay. Every time he finishes a round of treatment, my mom is sure he is cured. It is not true and will never be.
So the hard part comes when she calls me hysterical because he is sick again and it is always worse than the time before. I just take the new at face value and try to reassure her, but I don't cry and weep each time. I just can't. I would make myself sick with worry if I let myself, so I don't.


Asked by SleepingBeautee at 5:01 PM on Nov. 10, 2010 in Relationships

Level 45 (192,108 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (20)
  • No, cancer is hard on the loved ones, and sucks at our souls in the same way that it does their bodies. You're doing what is necessary to function, you shouldn't be ashamed of that.

    Several of my immediate family members have died of cancer. I always worry that I'll be next, but not because of the pain I will be in, but what my family will feel.

    Answer by ObbyDobbie at 5:08 PM on Nov. 10, 2010

  • it dosen't make you a bad daughter..but i have a question, not trying to be mean so please don't take it that way...if the chemo isn't going to do him any good, why bother with it? it's just making him even more sick each time he takes it for a "what if"...i'm sorry ir family is going through this though *hugs*

    Answer by josiesmommy00 at 5:06 PM on Nov. 10, 2010

  • No you are not a horible daughter. You are dealing with your Dad's illness your own way. Just be there for both of them. Hugs

    Answer by louise2 at 5:09 PM on Nov. 10, 2010

  • I think you are a very loving daughter. You are making sure that you spend all of the time you can with your father, that would be the most loving thing you can do for him.

    We all handle our emotions differently, and have to try to understand how others handle them. Some people cry, some people shut down, it sounds like you are somewhere in the middle, you love your father, your there for your parents, and you're doing what I would hope my adult children would do if my husband or I were in that situation.

    As a parent of adult children, I'd want them to continue giving my grandchildren the best childhood they could, not let this ruin there lives, and just be there for my husband and for me when they could. I want them to have good happy lives. Life is hard enough, and I wouldn't want to cause them suffering.

    I think you're doing the best you can. Best wishes....

    Answer by ohwrite at 5:18 PM on Nov. 10, 2010

  • No, not a bad daughter. You seem very down to earth to me. Well done. I'd say. Because who would your mother turn to for comfort if your both hysteric and overwhelmed? You deal with it in your own way and she probably needs you exactly that way. There's plenty of time to grief after he actually gone. If I were you, I'd tell her and your dad exactly what you just told us. Not that you need their approval or something, just to ... just so they know. People need to know.


    Answer by BeachMom81 at 5:22 PM on Nov. 10, 2010

  • No it doesn't make you a terrible daughter. It means you hear & accept the words without the hysteria. Nothing wrong with that.

    Answer by admckenzie at 5:50 PM on Nov. 10, 2010

  • Different people process differently.

    Answer by Airamana at 7:18 PM on Nov. 10, 2010

  • no

    Answer by pookipoo at 5:03 PM on Nov. 10, 2010

  • No, you are dealing with it the way you need to. My mother reacted to my dad's stroke much differently than I did, and she had much more unrealistic expectations than I did. Partly because she does not understand medical things very well, so she felt more fear, and then more hope as his prognosis changed. But it is only now, about 7 years later that I realize that having this happen to her husband is infinitely different than having it happen to my dad. He is the same man, and we both love him, but he is a completely different person to each of us. I think it is much worse for her because she has to care for him everyday now, and she has essentially lost her partner. I don't think you are a bad daughter at all, but you have some distance that probably helps you deal with it while your mom is right there in the middle of everything.

    Answer by christinab313 at 5:16 PM on Nov. 10, 2010

  • I lost my dad last spring and it has been harder on me than I ever thought. That said, it is nothing in comparison to what my mom is going through. He had a brain aneurism and was in the hospital for a month (never regaining consciousness) before we had to take him off the ventilator. During the whole month, my mom had this positive outlook no matter what was said to her UNTIL they told her he wouldn't get any better, just worse. It's just different being the spouse. Lots harder. You aren't a bad daughter. Just listen to her weep. Her world is crumbling.

    Answer by balloonartiste at 5:22 PM on Nov. 10, 2010