Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

What are the benefits of visits with bio family?

Can someone tell me how bio family visits benefit an adopted child? Please be specific!

From an adoptee perspective, the adoptees who tout open adoption tend to have grown up in closed adoptions. I wonder if it is a case of the "grass is greener."

From what I have read, the adoptees who have grown up in open adoptions don't tend to like it.

For example,
http://forums.adoption.com/adult-adoptees-open-adoption/273571-i-am-adult-who-raised-open-adoption.html

http://speakingofjonbenet.com/?p=3023

Thanks for your help!

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 5:50 PM on Nov. 10, 2010 in Adoption

Answers (18)
  • In my grnadkids case....absolutely nothing. They gain nothing but, stress, drama and behavioral issues. Once the pattern became clear we cut off all phone contact and all visits with the kids. They can call or email me and if I have time I update them. If I don't, I don't lose any sleep about it. The fact is, they are MY kids now. I know our situation is a little different. However, I have 2 friends with open adoptions. As the kids get older it gets worse. A gf from HS gave up her child. It was 'open' only in that they met one another. Austins adoptive Mom sent letters and pictures through an agency every 6 months for the first 5 yrs. Then once a yr after that. My gf was always open to meeting with him whenever he was ready. He was not interested until he had children of his own. He is now 32 and it has worked out nicely. THAT is the only 'open' adoption form I would condone at this point.
    GrnEyedGrandma

    Answer by GrnEyedGrandma at 6:02 PM on Nov. 10, 2010

  • In a DIA, open adoption is typically the best option...the child will have answers at their fingertips and not feel as though they don't belong anywhere in most cases.
    Our dd's adoption is closed as it was IA. She has so many questions and we have no answers to give her. She is currently mourning and is having a difficult time expressing things to me...IMO. She told me today that she misses her Chinese mommy. It breaks my heart to hear this as I don't have anything to give her. I would love to have some closure for her and I cry for her natural family-especially when these conversations come to light.
    mcginnisc

    Answer by mcginnisc at 6:12 PM on Nov. 10, 2010

  • First let me comment on the links you posted. Ferned had a horrible adoption all round. Not only were here birth family mentally, her adoptive mother was single but "masqueraded" as a married woman, and her adoptive family did not accept her as family at all. The second adopted did not have an open adoption, she had a closed adoption since the correspondence between her birth family and her adoptive family were kept from her.
    There's another famous article from an open adoptee. I'll go and find it for you.

    onethentwins

    Answer by onethentwins at 6:16 PM on Nov. 10, 2010

  • Hope you can read this:


    http://www.cafemom.com/group/4974/forums/read/11488766/_The_Open_Adoption_Experiment_by_PinkBubbler_age_16

    onethentwins

    Answer by onethentwins at 6:19 PM on Nov. 10, 2010

  • The benefits of openness in adoption are that the child knows where he came from and sees people who look like him. He knows his heritage. He knows, and his family know, where his genetic traits and natural talents come from. This is called genetic mirroring. He and his parents and doctors can be kept up to date on medical information about his birth family. He doesn't have to wonder why he was given away, he can ask the only people who can answer. He doesn't have to wonder what was so wrong with him that his own mother didn't want him. He doesn't have to wonder if his birth mother thinks about him on his birthday. He knows that she still loves him and didn't just give him away and forget about him.
    onethentwins

    Answer by onethentwins at 6:28 PM on Nov. 10, 2010

  • I'm a closed adoptee. I agree with OTT about the benefits in open. I'd also like to think it'd would be beneficial to have an open adoption to keep the 3rd party OUT of any possible future communications between the adoptee, and both sets of parents. Once it's a closed adoption- they (the agency, state, vital stats office, ect) will 'protect' releasing each others identity forever.....and ever.

    NO changing your mind, NO dire need to pass on (or ask for) info. That's it. They are notorious for their ability to keep the secrets. Just ask closed adoptees what games we've had to pay And play for and hoops we've had to jump through just to learn that our mom was 5'4, with alburn hair and brown eyes.
    Didn't they make enough money on adoption fees? Do you really need them to control, edit, and supervise ALL communicate between each other with a social worker being a 3rd party interpreter ?

    adopteeme

    Answer by adopteeme at 3:00 AM on Nov. 11, 2010

  • Consider open adoption, and then come to some mutual agreement on contact and visits.
    And then keep those promises good.
    Exchange full identities with each other and take the protections of secrets 'forever' out!

    Some day, in some circumstance, it's possible one of you will be thankful that you won't have to get on your hands and knees and beg for permission to speak to the other party.
    adopteeme

    Answer by adopteeme at 3:11 AM on Nov. 11, 2010

  • i think open is best and i say this because i am a birthmother who has a alot of contact. it is a two way road. both sides have to set up boundery and stick to that. some things change but not alot. i am not known as her birthmom but as a really good friend. and that is the way i want it. she will know the truth at a later date. but when that day comes she will know that i was always there as a friend and support person. that i was always proud of her and never forgot her. she will also know first hand how hard my life is and that i never wanted that for her. i read the post from the mom who said she gets back to the birthmom if she has time to. that really hurts. that poor lady gave you the best part of herself that she had to offer and you dont even make it a point to let her know that child is safe and happy. that is the kind of person that makes birthmoms think twice about adoption.
    sttawardnas

    Answer by sttawardnas at 7:11 AM on Nov. 11, 2010

  • sorry i have one more thing to add i found out not long ago that i had some health issues that could be passed down. if i didnt have that open contact they would not know what to watch for in her blood. somethings dont show up untill it is to late but if you look for them early you can catch and treat it without a lifelong fight. lucky mine was just something simple but what if.
    sttawardnas

    Answer by sttawardnas at 7:15 AM on Nov. 11, 2010

  • No offense to any responders, but I think the OP is asking about visits and not just openness.

    There is a difference between an open adoption with direct contact and visits. I have a friend who talks to her daughter's natural mom all the time and they have each other's contact information, so they are able to keep each other updated on medical information etc. But they have not had visits.

    In some cases, there are some risks/concerns with visits. I think it is important to identify the benefits of visits, so that aparents can evaluate these concerns as compared to the benefits. Also, it could help in determining the appropriate age when visits should start.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 8:49 AM on Nov. 11, 2010

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.