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How would you handle this friend?

I am (good) friends with 2 women at work. One girl and I have a lot in common in terms of family background although she is much younger than me. The other girl and I are much closer, trust each other more, and are closer in age. The younger girl developed a habit of telling the other woman all the good things that happened to her, including a secret engagement. She would tell me all of the bad things that she had going on, particularly things she was embarrassed about. When she got her engagement ring she announced it on Facebook. I was shocked that this was how I found this out. Now, secretely I already knew because our mutual friend had told me months ago. I'm just confused about why she only tells me bad things? She apologized for not telling me earlier, and I told her I was cool, but I feel like it's time for me to fall back from the friendship a little.

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browngirlwriter

Asked by browngirlwriter at 3:05 PM on Nov. 11, 2010 in Relationships

Level 3 (23 Credits)
Answers (8)
  • i would ask her if she thinks you guys are her friends or counserlers. seriously
    momma2b060509

    Answer by momma2b060509 at 3:10 PM on Nov. 11, 2010

  • maybe she feels she can trust you with things that is embarrassing and can depend on you not to judge and give good advice
    virginiamama71

    Answer by virginiamama71 at 3:11 PM on Nov. 11, 2010

  • Sounds like she considers you her "go to" person when she needs to vent. She obviously trusts you, so why she wouldn't include you in on the good stuff too is a bit baffling. Next time she wants to vent, tell her you'd like to hear some positive things too. Since you work together, distancing yourself from her could make things awkward. Changing the dynamics of the friendship may be easier to accomplish. Good luck
    mrsmom110

    Answer by mrsmom110 at 3:13 PM on Nov. 11, 2010

  • Usually when people only tell you bad things, that is the kind of relationship that they feel comfortable with with you. Maybe you have gotten into the habit of talking negatively with this person so she is hesitant to tell you any good news cause you might take the joy out of it or try and dissuade her from doing it. This is the reason that you have to use discretion and stay mindful of how you are coming across when you are talking with people. A lot of people are miserable in their own lives and do not want to see or hear about any goodness for anyone else. Not saying this is the case here but in my experience when people don't tell you good things and you thought they were a friend, it is because they have labeled you as somewhat "hatified"/jealous type or as a negative type in their minds. Why not just ask her why she did not share this with you? It should be a revealing talk for you. Be blessed:)
    bamachild88

    Answer by bamachild88 at 3:15 PM on Nov. 11, 2010

  • I agree with the point of the second reply, but...

    If she can trust you to tell you bad things, she should be able to tell you good things. I would be offended she didn't and ask her why she didn't tell you about her engagement and you found out on facebook?
    rio_burb

    Answer by rio_burb at 4:01 PM on Nov. 11, 2010

  • I think this woman is coming to you with her bad stuff cause she likes your advice and that you are there for her when she needs it. But still not a good friend since did not give you the news in person to you. I would let her know how you feel cause she might not realize it does borther you. If a true friend she will understand. Hang in there cause I know from expeience any friends are hard to find.
    momindiana

    Answer by momindiana at 4:11 PM on Nov. 11, 2010

  • Instead of falling back you should just have a heart to heart talk and let her know how you feel :-)
    mz_erica03

    Answer by mz_erica03 at 4:18 PM on Nov. 11, 2010

  • All of these are interesting comments and make a lot of sense. bamachild88, I never thought of our talks as me hating or taking her joy, but you are right about one thing, I will definitely point out certain issues to her that are not what she wants to hear. Not because I want to dissuade her, but because some of the things she has told me let me know she should not, under any circumstances, be getting married. She is deeply in debt, she has been sexually involved with other people, she was recently hospitalized with depression etc. Maybe she just wants friends who tell her everything's okay, even when they are not. When we talked she said she was very sorry, she didn't think about it and then she told me she was prescribed an anti-depressant. My only hope for her is that she is happy, whatever that means to her, so for now on, I will keep my opinons to myself, smile, and nod okay, lol. Thanks!
    browngirlwriter

    Comment by browngirlwriter (original poster) at 4:45 PM on Nov. 11, 2010

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