Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Unemployed, lazy 20 yr old step son... PLEASE HELP

I am a newly wed. I have a 20 yr old step son. He stays with us half of the time and at his mother's the other half. He is very disrespectful. I am only 25 so he listens to nothing that I say. He leaves his stuff all over the place. He doesn't work. He sleeps most of the day and is playing Xbox or chatting online most of the night. He is very loud and obnoxious. He hardly ever cleans up after himself. We constantly have to tell him to do things over and over again like he is ten years old and my spouse and his mother enable him. Most of the time just let things go but me and my spouse fight about him on occasion. His son has always been strain on our relationship. e and his son fight and it becomes explosive, sometimes to the point that I feel like I am going to have to call the police. We just got married and I already feel like I cannot take it anymore. What can I do?

Answer Question

Asked by Rockstarmama01 at 11:02 PM on Nov. 2, 2008 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 1 (0 Credits)
Answers (17)
  • Well, he isn't going to respect your authority if he is only 5 years younger than you so I wouldn't even attempt to try. He likey won't be your friend either. I can't imagine that any 20 year old would be happy having a 25 year old step mom. I would suggest staying out of his way and letting his dad deal with the messes he makes. Be civil and don't argue, but don't think that you will ever have a "maternal" relationship with him. The best that you can hope for is that you can learn to tolerate each other.

    Answer by profmom922 at 11:13 PM on Nov. 2, 2008

  • Why is he is still allowed to be in either home? He should be on his own by now. I would suggest that you discuss this with this father. He needs to be out of your home. Isn't it creepy anyway when his father isn't home?

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:29 PM on Nov. 2, 2008

  • I went through a phase like this. After high school, I was so burned out from AP and honors courses I didn't want to go to college, and I was pretty anti-social, and didn't live in a very big area or have a car or license so job opps were limited. ..I ended up moving in with my dad and he offered an incentive if I got a job. ..The job led to me being able to get my license, and then a car, and then go to college (even though that was obviously a waste of time and money since I can't get a job.)

    Maybe he just needs a push.

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:17 AM on Nov. 3, 2008

  • You and your dh have to get together on this one. He is too old for you to act like his mom so he isn't going to listen to you. He should respect you though and your dh should make sure he does or he can go live with his mom. I think the ball is in his court, talk to him and tell him you rfuse to have him in the home if he can't respect you and the home. The ki also needs ground rules if you decide to let him stay. If he doesn't follow them he has to leave. After all he is an adult and there is nothing saying you have to let him stay there.

    Answer by itsmesteph11 at 7:22 AM on Nov. 3, 2008

  • ...and he's using your computer to get online all night? Pull the power cord!! Disconnect the connector cords to the Xbox. Hmmm they came up missing. You haven't seen them( which, since you hid them in a plastic bag and stuck them on the closet shelf, you really haven't) I'd disconnect all his toys and make it impossible for him to play at my house. He wouldn't want to be there long! If dh won't back you, the problem is bigger than you think.

    Answer by Aprilmorgans at 5:11 PM on Nov. 3, 2008

  • my son is 3 yrs older than his step mother and she will never gain his respect. It's probably the age thing. You have entrenched on his territory (his home) and probably disrupted his life so I doubt if he's going to make it easy on you. Dad might have to send him packing.

    Answer by admckenzie at 8:23 PM on Nov. 3, 2008

  • I have to agree with profmom. I have a 28 step son but he has never lived with us. I have always just treated him as if he was my nephew. It just works better that way. He has his own mom.

    Answer by njt320 at 8:34 PM on Nov. 3, 2008

  • Talk to your husband about the situation. Tell him that the son is old enough to be on his own or suggest that he live in one household preferrable not yours. Disconnect all of his toys,, refuse to clean up after him, no laundry services, no food service until he show respect for the household. Give him a time limit to improve his attitude or leave.

    Answer by avonbooklady58 at 10:11 AM on Nov. 4, 2008

  • Get an annulment.

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:13 PM on Nov. 4, 2008

  • I hate to say it but he won't take you seriously. You're in his age bracket. My SO is five years older than me and I don't do anything he says. That's all in his father's hands.

    Answer by LaurenKaye29 at 4:58 PM on Nov. 5, 2008

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.