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So I guess since I am dating a man with kids , it can never EVER be about me or my needs....

We have been dating for awhile ( a year next spring ), I have an small daughter who I have 3 days a week, and he has 3kids that he has 3 days a week ( perfect right) ... I am letting my daughter spend Thanksgiving with my ex and his family and I want my SO to do the same... I think it would be fun to just have a little quite dinner at home, just for the two of us. I have begged him to do this for me and he wont. He wants to go to his parents ( his mom cant cook with a crap) and THEN he wants to go to his kid's mom's grandmas for a "family" dinner ( he said it is a big thing and alot of family friends go too) but I definatly do not want to do that. This is killing me inside because he is someone I can picture being with but he cant even chose ME for this one holiday ?!?!

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 9:41 PM on Nov. 11, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (15)
  • Have u ever sat him down and told him how u felt and if u did what did he say? its so hard for some people to change old traditions i would try to explain to him that we have been together for awhile now i was wondering if we can make some holiday traditions of our own.. try to convince him u feel uncomfortable with him going to his kids moms grannys house because for one its your ex and i think u should try to listen to what i have to say also..
    nitamae86

    Answer by nitamae86 at 9:45 PM on Nov. 11, 2010

  • Making a man chose your over his own kids can never work out. He goes to the family dinner with his children because that is what they have always done as a family. It probably has a lot to do with the stability for the children. He's thinking of his children, that really is a good feature in a man.
    m-avi

    Answer by m-avi at 9:45 PM on Nov. 11, 2010

  • Maybe this holiday is important to him. Thanksgiving is the ONE holiday that is very important to my mother. She requests that it is the one holiday that we all attend.
    layh41407

    Answer by layh41407 at 9:46 PM on Nov. 11, 2010

  • That should be a sign right there...If he is not willing to change that much for u where will you be in this relationship. GL Choose wisely. GL
    Butterfly1108

    Answer by Butterfly1108 at 9:46 PM on Nov. 11, 2010

  • I was married to someone with children from a former marriage. Its tricky, but it can work. You have to be able to give and take. Choose your battles wisely is the best advice I can give. If you push too hard, he will choose his kids over you in the end. You might want to seek pre-marital counseling for this. Even though its a small thing now, once you get married it will be consuming if you guys dont get on the same page,,good luck
    beyondhopes

    Answer by beyondhopes at 9:50 PM on Nov. 11, 2010

  • I think it's a big mistake to force a man to choose between you or his kids. I'm sorry, but my kids are everything to me and no one, absolutely no one will come between me and my kids. Maybe Thanksgiving is important to him, maybe his custody gives him Thanksgiving this year or whatever (you'd know that better than I), and he doesn't want to rock the boat as far as holiday visitation. Maybe he feels as though you are trying to make him choose and he's showing you what he will choose when forced. I think you need to have a talk with him and find out what is going on. But I can tell you right now that if any man ever tries to make me choose between him or my kids, he will lose out.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:55 PM on Nov. 11, 2010

  • I would talk to him. Is Thanksgiving special or are you looking to repeat this every holiday? I wish I would have known before we got married that I would have to spend every holiday of my married life with my mother in law. My parents made it a point to visit different family members, but we always had at least one holiday at home "just us". I never get that. If I say I want to stay home she is here. Holidays used to be great, but now I dread them. It is something that you should hash out before you commit - I wish I had.

    scout_mom

    Answer by scout_mom at 10:01 PM on Nov. 11, 2010

  • I was raised by just my father and he did date on occasion and I can tell you for certain if any one had asked him to choose them over me and my brother (plus his mother) on a holiday then he would have ended the relationship right then. You really haven't been dating him that long and it sounds like you are being very selfish. I can understand you being upset if he didn't want to see you at all on Thanksgiving (which is not the case) but I can't understand why you think that having a man who will do that to his children is something you want?
    Luuckymommy

    Answer by Luuckymommy at 10:20 PM on Nov. 11, 2010

  • I also meant to add that family holiday dinners don't last all day so you can possibly still have a quiet, romantic time with him after all the visiting. Say no thanks to all the desserts at the other events and have your favorite dessert ready to share with him that evening along with a bottle of wine or something.
    Luuckymommy

    Answer by Luuckymommy at 10:23 PM on Nov. 11, 2010

  • i was a child who's father put his girlfriends over my brother and i whenever he felt like it, but especially for holidays... it was extremely hurtful... i don't know if it was the girlfriends putting pressure on him or if he was just a jerk... my advice is to let him spend the day with his family and if you can get over your resentment, then go along... it'll make for a much happier relationship in the long run... on a night that you don't have the kids, celebrate your thanksgiving then... just because you're okay with not spending thanksgiving with your child doesn't mean he feels the same or should feel the same...
    babymar

    Answer by babymar at 10:28 PM on Nov. 11, 2010

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