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If you are in a relationship where you have children that are not your SO's...

And your child doesn't like your SO or the other way around. Why are you in that relationship?

If your SO doesn't treat your child like their own, why would you want to be with them?
If your child doesn't like your SO, why would you put your needs above your child?

Just wondering because I see so many that are in these types of relationships. I am not in this type because if my DD didn't like my SO, that was the deal breaker for the relationship. AND, if SO wouldn't accept DD just like another child of his own, he isn't the man for me.


Asked by Jademom07 at 11:26 AM on Nov. 12, 2010 in Relationships

Level 34 (64,323 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (9)
  • @Jademom07....I agree with you on this one. My daughter is in love with her Bio Father so much that when I decided to date my ex-so she loved him to and he accepted her with open arms before we came serious...but the reason we are not together now because he didnt want to get a job...Even to this day he wants to buy my daughter present for her birthday....but I have to separate their relationship because we no longer live or communicate with one another anymore. But in order for me to take the relationship to another level my daughter has to be comfortable regardless or my feelings. My child best interest is at heart.

    Answer by mom42107 at 12:09 PM on Nov. 12, 2010

  • I don't think adult relationships should be about a child's needs and wants. A child is entitled to be fed, clothed, housed and loved, but they are not entitled to call the shots in a mom or dad's relationship. I married my husband, not his child. My husband is the one who will still be around in my old age and vice versa. Kids grow up and live their own lives and if you have lived by their selfish wants, you may have deprived yourself of a great relationship and growing old alone. Children do this because they are allowed to do it. They are being parentified which is actually a form of child abuse. My grown children did not originally like my DH but they have grown to appreciate him over time.


    Answer by lilangilyn at 4:40 PM on Nov. 12, 2010

  • 1) Because there are relationships where the children don't like their real father, so that really has no baring.
    2) Again, there are real fathers (and you've read the stories right in here) that don't trat their children as their own.
    3) Never, ever put your needs over the child but don't guide you life by your childs likes or dislikes. Would you not buy a house just because your child doesn't like the room that going to be his? Are you not going to buy a car because your child doesn't like the color you picked? Well, then you might as well have your child starting picking your friends for you too.

    Bottom line here is that they don't have to like each other but they do have to respect each other at all times and that's what I try to maintain in my household.

    Answer by ShouldHaveLeft at 11:46 AM on Nov. 12, 2010

  • 1) Why does he have to like his step father? I mean really do you like everyone that you SO has brought into your life?
    2) Because that would be the ideal, believe me I wish it were but in the real world unfortunately it's not. I only know about 2 out of every 10 relationships where the step parents thinks of the SO spouses as their own.
    3) Okay...let's cut out the friends, what if your child didn't like their aunt/uncle, your sibling and for some reason your sibling had to live with you for a while (they're under age and your parents die or they split from their spouse and need a temp place to live) would you not let your sibling live with you just cause your kid doesn't like them? Come on!

    The thing that should be important here is that you don't let your child be disrespected and vice versa by your SO.

    Answer by ShouldHaveLeft at 12:15 PM on Nov. 12, 2010

  • I'm not arguing my dear, I'm just giving you a point/counterpoint that's all. Again, the bottom line here is respect. My son and my husband can't stand each other. I've always made sure my husband understands that my son comes first no matter what and he would be the one left out in the cold should they come to a disrespectful situation (like coming to blows or something) and as far as my son, I've told him that he doesn't have to like him just respect him and if there is ever anything he feels he's not being respected on, give the reigns to me and I'll take care of it and I always have. Good luck!

    Answer by ShouldHaveLeft at 12:48 PM on Nov. 12, 2010

  • Thanks for your reply. I have a couple of questions for you.

    1. What has not liking their bio father got to do with this question? My DD loves her dad but also likes my SO. Even if she didn't like her dad, she would still have to like or get along with my SO for us to be together.
    2. Real fathers that don't treat their own children correctly....The child has no choice in who their real father is but they do have a choice in who their step parent is...or should I say that you make that choice. So why be with someone who doesn't treat your child like their own?
    3. As for who are your friends...your child doesn't live with your friends just like if you have a friend that doesn't like another of your friends. The car and house...not a good comparison to child/SO relationship.

    Comment by Jademom07 (original poster) at 11:56 AM on Nov. 12, 2010

  • Children should not or do not pick their own step parents. Just like they don't pick their own biological parents. Like the pp said, even biological fathers don't get along well with their own kids. Should the parents get a divorce if that's the case?

    Also, I don't expect my SO to treat my kids exactly as if they are his own, he shouldn't have to, they are not his kids. He treats them well, he coparents with me, he'll take them in if something happens to me, but we can't pretend fact is they are not his biological kids.

    Answer by keisha613 at 12:04 PM on Nov. 12, 2010

  • Thank you keisha.

    What about when your child does NOT like your choice...from the beginning? Do you force that child to like the other person? Then what happens when they never warm up to them?
    Again, comparing how a bio parent treats a child vs. how a step parent treats a child is not a good comparison since the child does have some say in who the step parent. They do not have a say in their bio parent.

    Comment by Jademom07 (original poster) at 12:15 PM on Nov. 12, 2010

  • "I mean really do you like everyone that you SO has brought into your life?"
    I don't have to like them...they don't live with me, they don't help pay my bills, and I am not sleeping with them. They are also not doing any of these things for my child. This goes for family members as well.

    I am not trying to argue...just trying to understand and learn a little about another persons views. I go agree that regardless, the adult and child should be respectful of each other.
    Thanks for your insight!

    Comment by Jademom07 (original poster) at 12:22 PM on Nov. 12, 2010