Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

2 Bumps

my hubby has been favoring our 2nd child lately, i know my oldest feels it. how to handle this? she's not his biologically

technically. he's been her only father figure since 6 months of age, her real dad left us while i was pregnant. then he visited her one time a few months ago and disappeared again, so she does know about her real dad but still acknowledges hubby as her dad. so on top of dealing with the sperm donor leaving her after telling her the truth (which i take blame for, shouldn't have let him see her at all) she's now dealing with the only daddy she's ever known brushing her off to the side.

when she was 2, hubby and i married and had our own child together. he pretty much ignored the baby and only paid attention to my oldest. it bothered me then, and now the tables are turned. but we've since had one more and i realize he's just not a "baby" person. anyway, he's all excited to see our 2nd when he gets home from work, and just "oh hey" with our 4 year old. and continued...

 
tnm786

Asked by tnm786 at 1:09 PM on Nov. 12, 2010 in Relationships

Level 43 (159,608 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (8)
  • I would sit him down and talk to him about it in a non-confrontational way. Something ilke "Hon I have noticed that you don't seem to spend as much time with 4yr old, as you do the 2yr old. I don't know if you realize this or not, but the 4yr old is starting to feel a bit hurt that she does not have as much 'dad' time as sister does". Maybe you could suggest he set aside special time during the week (like every night at 5-6pm) as Dad and 4 yr old time, or that he make it a point to include her more in activities. I hope he will see that he IS dad to both children (not just his bio-child) and that he will make an effort to include the 4yr old and spend more time with her.
    MizLee

    Answer by MizLee at 1:24 PM on Nov. 12, 2010

  • Have you told him how you feel about it?

    I would tell him that i don't want to know if he really does have favorites, but that he needs to treat them all the same because they are innocent children & deserve to be loved equally. Why can't he play with both of them at the same time? That would also be good for the girls. If he gives more attention to only one, then this will cause LOTS of competition down the toad. You don't want your daughters to be competative, you want them to love & support each other. That will only happen if they are treated equally. I would bitch about it a lot when the kids arent around. I would tell him that he is on the road for some seriouse competition & rivalry between them if he does not stop favoring one.
    samurai_chica

    Answer by samurai_chica at 1:15 PM on Nov. 12, 2010

  • I don't know what you can do except talk to him about it. Maybe he doesn't realize it's as bad as it is.

    Shines3

    Answer by Shines3 at 1:12 PM on Nov. 12, 2010

  • Talk to him. Tell him what you are observing. He may not realize what he is doing. If your oldest has said something to you then you need to let him know that it hurts her to see him play with the others and not spend any time with her. Like I said it could be that he does not realize whats going on. give him a chance to fix it by making sure he knows. If he doesn't try to make things right then I suggest that you try counseling and try to spend a little extra time with your daughter doing more grown up type things like seeing a movie or baking cookies together. She needs to know that she is loved somehow and is a separate person from he siblings. get her involved in some kind of group activity. As for your husband if he doesn't want to spend time with her I'm not sure what to tell you. I just hope he will take the time for all the kids at least spend one day a week with his step daughter something.
    angelmine2011

    Answer by angelmine2011 at 1:18 PM on Nov. 12, 2010

  • Unfortunately, this if very, very typical behavior. I've been with my husband since my son was two and he use to be amazing with him but that all changed four years into our relationship when we had our daughter and it's been like that ever since. My son is now 22 and my daughter is 16. The point here and I answered this on another question, is just make sure that respect is maintained at all time. They don't have to like each other but they do have to respect each other and both kids are yours and your kids come before any man, so make sure your husband knows that to.
    ShouldHaveLeft

    Answer by ShouldHaveLeft at 1:27 PM on Nov. 12, 2010

  • Does he realise he is doing it? If he does I think you and him need to sit down and have a long talk about how this is bothering the 4 year old.
    MooNFaeRie30

    Answer by MooNFaeRie30 at 3:59 PM on Nov. 15, 2010

  • he'll play with our 2nd, and then when my 4 year old comes and wants to join in the fun, he'll say "no i dont want to play anymore" or "i dont need to do the same things with both of you". i get that he wants to separate attention with them, but he should give them all attention. she's left with wondering why daddy will play with her sister but not her. then, he'll put our 2 year old to bed but not our 4 year old. he just has a more "loving" attitude towards her all around now. i feel terrible for my oldest, she doesn't deserve this kind of treatment. hubby should not be playing favorites with the kids. how would you handle this?
    tnm786

    Comment by tnm786 (original poster) at 1:10 PM on Nov. 12, 2010

  • i agree, he should play with them at the same time. there was a time that he used to do that. now he just plays with our 2 year old and when she wants to play he's done playing. so f*cking rude and hurtful, imo! and i will definitely explain the competition thing to him, im hoping that will send him into a guilt frenzy and he'll stop doing this crap. it is seriously offensive to her especially but to me too.
    tnm786

    Comment by tnm786 (original poster) at 1:18 PM on Nov. 12, 2010

close Cafemom Join now to connect to other members! Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN