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How do you say something like this to your mother?

I feel really sad and I don't even know how to start but I will try to make it clear and simple. My mom has been living with us since my dd was born, almost 4 years ago. She is going back home because my grandma is older and my mom wants to make sure she is okay, but her plans are to come back in couple months. Last night my hubby asked me if I already told my mom that he doesn't want back for more than 6 weeks. My heart just stopped for a minute and I didn't know what to say because she is soo much help to me and the kids. When she works which is not a lot she always give us some $$$, she also babysits and takes the kids to school and pick them up so I can work a few more hours. Now, I don't know what to do? How do I say something like that to her? I believe it is just not right, what do you think ladies? Please any advice....

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Asked by bratgirln1 at 5:14 PM on Nov. 12, 2010 in General Parenting

Level 17 (3,554 Credits)
Answers (16)
  • im a little confused. He doesnt want her to come back in less then 6 weeks?

    Answer by wildwiccan83 at 5:16 PM on Nov. 12, 2010

  • When she's gone will he be helping out more with the kids or will it just be you?? I would have him pick up half of the work and when he sees how much she really does maybe he will change his mind.....good luck =)

    Answer by skittles1108 at 5:18 PM on Nov. 12, 2010

  • she HAS helped you out so i think that it is " just not right" to tell her that either. does dh have conflicts with her? i would tell him that you guys are so lucky to have a free sitter, someone to take the kids to school and probably home when they need to come home sick. that she most likely has an amazingly close relationship with the kids and it isnt fair to take that away from everyone - based on the wishes of one person. he will just have to "take one for the team" here... i woudlnt tell my mom that - if my mom was like how you described your mom (my mom is a bipolar alcoholic that i cannot even trust to not get drunk while watching her grandson... and calling me 2 hours into sitting for the first time in a year to tell me that ds is "sick of her" {omg maybe that is because she passed out drunk and he KNOWS that isnt normal!!} and to come right home.-) you are blessed to have a mom like that - value her!

    Answer by AmaliaD at 5:19 PM on Nov. 12, 2010

  • Did you know before that your hubby felt like this? It seems like you don't mind her there, but he does. I think before anything is brought up to your mother, you need to sit down and have a conversation with your hubby.

    Answer by layh41407 at 5:19 PM on Nov. 12, 2010

  • Thats def hard. I would sit her down and talk to her about what her plans are in the future. Im sure your hubby misses all the privacy you once had but this def needs to be straightened out. You both need to be happy. I wouldnt kick her to the curb of course but def figure out where the future leads. GL

    Answer by Steph319 at 5:29 PM on Nov. 12, 2010

  • Did it start out as a temporary situation that just sort of became permanent without a discussion or did you all realize she was coming to stay permanently when your daughter was born? If it was never intended to be a permanent situation then it makes sense that your husband would bring it up now when there seems to be an opening for it; whether he's mentioned it to you or not he's probably been thinking about it for a long time. If it's never been discussed with your mom and you have allowed her to think it was a permanent home then it is going to be a very difficult thing to tell her, but you have to do it. Try to think about what is best for your mom too; it may not be in her best interest to stay with you permanently. If she's still capable of taking care of herself she could be out having a life of her own. Try to think what's best and not just what's convenient. I know this is very hard and I wish you luck.


    Answer by TweenAndTwinMom at 5:36 PM on Nov. 12, 2010

  • Ok, looking at this from the view point of if it was my mother-in-law staying with us, not matter how much she helped out there would be no way I would want her in my home for an extended amount of time. It sounds like she has been helpful, but hubby probably wants his home to be his own.

    Answer by scout_mom at 5:38 PM on Nov. 12, 2010

  • My mom came to help me out with my newborn but since I had gold stones she was afraid of just leaving me by myself and my dd, and it just happened that she stayed longer because I got sick very often from the stones and my hubby at the time used to work really far. So then I got pregnant again with #2 and my hubby or my mom wanted me to be by myself pregnant and with a little one and the gold stones so she stayed. Now, she kind of became part of the family, but she is going back and hubby said he doesn't want her to be with us next year for more than 6 weeks. It makes me very sad because I know we need our privacy and we need to grow without so much help from her. But it just breaks my heart to tell her something like that....

    Comment by bratgirln1 (original poster) at 5:50 PM on Nov. 12, 2010

  • It will be ok. Your mom knows you love her and appreciate all she has done for you. Tell her that you appreciate all the help she has given you, but now you are strong enough to try to manage without her help and your family needs time to grow. Ask her what she wants to do with her life now and what you can do to help make the transition easier. Changes like this are never easy and are usually a bit scary, but it really will be ok.

    Answer by TweenAndTwinMom at 6:02 PM on Nov. 12, 2010

  • @TweenAndTwinMom, thank you very much, I know we are going to be okay but I can't just say something like that. What I am going to do is wait for next year when she tells me she wants to come back to tell her that she can only come for a short period of time.

    Thank you to all the moms who responded my question. It really helps to hear the perspective from a different point of view.

    Comment by bratgirln1 (original poster) at 6:07 PM on Nov. 12, 2010

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