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2 Bumps

how to handle this?

so my husband's parents have raised his niece as their own for the last 15 years.. but they aren't really raising her.. i mean they feed her and take care of her but they dont encourage herself to better herself. and by take care of her i literally mean it. they have to make her bathe herself and they clip her toenails for her and they dont try to make it where she will be able to live on her own when they are gone (they are in their 60's) then Monday his mom asked me what i had goin on saturday.. of course i said not sure yet.. so she puts me on the spot and asks if i can watch her..??? watch her. they live less than 5 min away (3 tops) and she is 15?? seriously? sooo i am stuck watching her watch cartoons for the next 3 hours.. and guess what?? apparently she feels sick.. and this makes me mad for several reasons.. 1. bc i shouldnt have to watch a 15 year old.. she is old enough to stay by herself CONTINUED


Asked by Ross2010 at 6:03 PM on Nov. 13, 2010 in Relationships

Level 17 (4,420 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (14)
  • My first response is to wonder if she is special needs? My ds is 9 and there are things I have to do that a mother of a typical 9 year old wouldn't. Does she have friends? I can't imagine she goes to school and doesn't get picked on! Although all children should be supervised on some level, but at 15 she should have some independence and be able to stay alone for a short period of time. I was babied beyond belief and my mother let me stay alone at 15. I really feel sorry for the girl, they are causing so much damage. She needs life skills to function. If they don't help her, you should. Make her help you do laundry, dishes, prepare meals and even shopping! If not, she's going to be helpless.

    Answer by Austinsmom35 at 6:37 PM on Nov. 13, 2010

  • I have seen similar situations. I think that if you feel comfortable, approaching them with advice on how to prepare her for the future would be beneficial. Maybe you could visit the local community center and pick up an activity guide. Highlight some of the teen programs that would benefit her, such as, self defense classes, cooking classes etc. Even (if you want) offer to drop her off and pick her up. Teenagers need a lot of attention and not in the way it sees she is getting. It sounds like you care and that is important. Next time they have you watch her, have her help you around the house with chores or grocery shopping to teach her about the adult world. Good luck!!

    Answer by jeroneka at 6:11 PM on Nov. 13, 2010

  • my concern is if grandparents knew teen was sick and sent her to a home were pregnant woman
    someone needs to help the teen start to learn to help herself...15!..not much time left

    Answer by fiatpax at 7:04 PM on Nov. 13, 2010

  • I echo Austinsmom35 with her question on whether this girl goes to school and whether she is special needs. I had a cousin who for years I never knew was on the MR spectrum, at all. He appeared to function normally in every other way it just seemed like he was incredibly sheltered...same thing as you describe: personal care attended to, told to bathe/dress himself, etc. When my oldest sister died unexpectedly we found out everything...her husband was a long-haul truck driver who couldn't stand to be home around their son, he didn't believe he was the father, etc...

    Anyhow, I think you need to have a serious heart-to-heart with your dh first, and tell him that right now you can't deal with this but maybe after you have the baby and things have settled you can do some things to help this girl be more independent.

    Answer by NEMommaOf3 at 6:48 PM on Nov. 13, 2010

  • 2. becuase i have a little girl (that luckily went to spend some time with my parents tonight) that if i get sick will catch it also 3. bc i am 36 weeks preggo and do NOT need to be sick with some kind of bug right now... i dont say anything about the rest of how they raise her bc it doesnt directly affect me but they baby her WAAAAAAY too much. and she doesnt listen to them at all.. if htey tell her to do something and she says no then no it is. she stays in her room either asleep or whatever AAAALLLL day long. and i told my husband that if they keep it up she wont be able to take care of herself when they are gone and i have my own children to raise i wont be taking care of someone who should be able to take care of herself (now i would but once she turned 18 or a little older she shouldnt need to) he says if she needs to she will.. UMM NO bc she shouldnt need to. she doesnt even make her own food.. come on now. seriosuly?

    Comment by Ross2010 (original poster) at 6:08 PM on Nov. 13, 2010

  • at 15?? seriously someone needs to be told to bathe, brush their teeth, and fixed every single meal for them at the age of 15?? you've got to be kidding me. and i would understand if she EVER did anything but all she does is watch cartoons and stay in her room. she doesnt even like boys so its not like she would try to sneak them over. and she just went 10 min up the road and we live 3 min away. i dont think at the age of 15 they should be supervised like she is 3.

    Comment by Ross2010 (original poster) at 6:14 PM on Nov. 13, 2010

  • jeroneka! thanks! those are some good key points! i think i will try that.. which i am not too sure how it would work. i have talked to his mom about how i think she should be more active and shouldnt have to be told to bathe etc and i think that maybe making her do things she doesnt want to do would help her alot. and everytime i have come to the conclusion that she has giving up all together on teaching her anything and teaching her things she NEEDS to know! but i guess just bc she has doesnt mean i should bc i dont want to have a 30 year old living with me that i have to make sandwiches for and tell her to bathe. better start trying now ;)

    Comment by Ross2010 (original poster) at 6:19 PM on Nov. 13, 2010

  • anti social is the only thing they have diagnosed her with. i have tried to get her to help me with a few things but no luck. she just says yea i will in a sec and i when i finish she hasnt even moved from the couch. i dont know how much i can do when she doesnt have to do anything for her parents if they ask her do she just ignores them or tells them no i dont think i will. and they accept it. she has friends froms school but she thinks they are silly and dont really invite them over and when she does all they do is sit in her room, i understand maybe having trouble with her anti social disorder but she shouldnt be treated like she is 3.. my BIL sister has been diagnosed with alot. but they dont treat her like she is incapable of taking care of herself and she is doing sooo very well. she knows right from wrong she fixes her own meals and bathes without being asked. and this is serious diagnoses.

    Comment by Ross2010 (original poster) at 6:46 PM on Nov. 13, 2010

  • also my sister is a teacher that works with children who need extra help (which my DH sister does not.. even by doctors views) and they were taught that even though they need extra help.. do NOT treat them as if they are incapable to do for themselves bc then they will expect to get away with whatever you let them. you treat them like the would be treated and expect them to do what they need to they will learn. it may take them some time but if you just let them they will. not to be harsh on them but encourage them and teach them to do for themselves.

    Comment by Ross2010 (original poster) at 6:48 PM on Nov. 13, 2010

  • me i wouldnt be bothered with that no child would come in2 my house at the age of 15 telling me no and just set around in the t.v. then my child is gone to naw no way my answer would have been NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

    Answer by keedy603 at 1:37 AM on Nov. 14, 2010