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Found my son using full name on internet..placed a personal ad at a gay website..downloading pron...

Since last week when I found out the above things about my son its been hard to deal with him. I took all internet privlidges away. I allowed him to have a desk top in his room with no internet acess and no cd drive. Last night he got on another computer in the house..was told to get up and go to his room. Instead he kicked me and cursed me with some nice names. I told him that he would not have the computer in his room anylonger it would be gone after school today due to him becoming violent. He went on a screaming rampage for half an hour and went to bed. Im taking his computer out of his room but am afraid of how he is going to react when he gets home. Advice?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 1:43 PM on Nov. 3, 2008 in Teens (13-17)

Answers (16)
  • I think that punishing him for being curious and confused about his body is the wrong thing to do. I think that you should talk to him, see how he feels. Is he gay? Is he bisexual? Is he just being curious about his sexuality? How old is he?

    By punishing him for what he is doing you are pushing him away. In the event that he is gay, chances are he is not going to tell you if you continue being un-supportive.

    You or your husband need to sit down and have a long talk with your son, without being judgmental or criticizing. How you handle this situation is going to shape how he looks at you for the rest of his life.
    CarolynBarnett

    Answer by CarolynBarnett at 1:56 PM on Nov. 3, 2008

  • If he becomes violent again, call the authorities. I had a friend who's son hit her, his sisters, punched holes in the doors and walls and she never did a thing about it and now he's psycho. If you don't want to call the cops, get him into therapy.
    BigSkyHarmony

    Answer by BigSkyHarmony at 1:57 PM on Nov. 3, 2008

  • If your son has never been violent with you before, and is only acting out due to this situation, I think that calling the authorities is a little over the top....
    CarolynBarnett

    Answer by CarolynBarnett at 1:59 PM on Nov. 3, 2008

  • I think 'it's hard to deal with him' for you because YOU are making that way. You clearly have homophobic issues. Your post last week you said your son told you he was gay. You can't change that. He didn't choose that. It is how he was born. Punshing him for that is like my own father beating the crap out of me for not having blue euyes like the rest of the girls in my family. You are going to lose him forever if you continue. You(the family) need help. You need to find some counseling...fast.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:01 PM on Nov. 3, 2008

  • sorry that he is acting like that but i think regardless if he is gay or not that he shouldn't be looking at porn or treating you like that. my son isn't gay and he has gotten caught looking at regular porn and that is still not acceptable. personally i don't agree that you are born gay so i disagree with the anon that says they are although i do agree that if he feels that way that you need to accept him as jesus would. although i would go get him into therapy regarding his gay issues to see where his feelings of being gay are founded from. the media today seems to scream that being gay is cool now days with rock bands like my chemical romance etc being gay. so he should be punished for looking at porn but you need to go get therapy to accept him and help him find his reasoning for feeling way he is gay. also to discuss his violent behavior either way gay or straight his behavior should not be accepted.
    melody77

    Answer by melody77 at 2:12 PM on Nov. 3, 2008

  • I agree with CarolynBarnett. Even if he is gay or not, he is still your son. You need to accept him for who he is. Try talking to him, find out his feelings and views on things. He may have gotten violent because he's embarrassed and confused. He may be thinking that the internet world is the only place that will accept him for who he is, and now that you're taking that away from him he may feel all alone in this world. Being a teenager is a very confusing time, trying to fit in and finding out who you are, try adding sexuality on top of that, I'm sure he's scared right now. He needs a mom who is going to be open-minded and understanding. Try not to judge him, he's scared right now. He needs someone he can talk to, and it should be his mom. How you deal with this now will more than likely affect your relationship with him from now on. Good Luck.
    Gretchen0122

    Answer by Gretchen0122 at 2:36 PM on Nov. 3, 2008

  • I think that the gay or not gay issue is so far out of range here. First of all he was looking at inappropriate material on the comp.. You did the right thing to take the internet away. Secondly, he defied your punishment I think that the next logical step was to take the entire computer. Third, he became violent with you....Completely unacceptable. Take the computer as you planned and let him know that if he continues to defy you the punishments will increase...maybe boot camp (BTW counseling would be a good idea either way, he's obviously experiencing some confusion) Let him know that it is not the type of porn you are punishing him for, but the fact that he was accessing porn at all.
    Kimebs

    Answer by Kimebs at 2:47 PM on Nov. 3, 2008

  • Did you take away the internet b/c he was downloading porn and giving out his personal info all over the place, or b/c he is/may be gay and that bothers you? Regardless of which answer you choose, what did you tell him? That makes all the difference in the world in his reaction. If you told him, "I'm taking away your internet b/c you're gay and I don't like that/don't approve/think it's wrong" what he hears is "I'm taking away your internet b/c you're gay and I don't like you/approve of you/think you're sick". While I don't condone violence, if he feels like you no longer love him b/c of this, that could be why he did that. con't...
    tropicalmama

    Answer by tropicalmama at 3:04 PM on Nov. 3, 2008

  • He may not have expressed himself appropriately, but maybe that was the only thing he could think of to express his frustration. Again, I don't condone violence, and I do think he was wrong to do that!

    If you told him you were taking away the internet b/c you don't approve of porn in your home and it bothers you that he is freely giving out his personal info to complete strangers, then his violent outburst is totally uncalled for and I would consider some counseling. Although, in truth, I think some counseling might be in order for everyone anyway, just b/c this is such a complicated, difficult issue for any family to deal with. Good luck!
    tropicalmama

    Answer by tropicalmama at 3:05 PM on Nov. 3, 2008

  • If he gets violent, you have every right to call the cops on him. Its not just him being curious, its him becoming violent which is totally wrong. You can't understand him if he turning to violence to "get his way'
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:16 PM on Nov. 3, 2008

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