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5 Bumps

What my marriage counselor told me to do.

So after 6 years of marriage, my dh and I needed to find a marriage counselor because our communication was in need of a tune up. Our counselor suggested we each attend one session alone with her, and one session together on a regular schedule. After 6 mos, she came to the conclusion that my dh wasn't responding to my style of communication, and suggested I speak more like she did. In other words, speak to my dh as a therapist would! I am supposed to say, "And how does that make you feel? Oh, I see....." I'm confused because number 1, I am not a therapist, so why should I talk like one, and number 2, talking like that to my own husband makes me feel like a stranger to him! Has anyone encountered any therapist advice that didn't sit well with them?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 12:05 AM on Nov. 15, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (11)
  • That sounds like a student therapist! Ugh no thank goodness I've never been to counseling. I would try a misiter if you guys go to church. They can help out and should be free.
    SweetLoveofMine

    Answer by SweetLoveofMine at 12:15 AM on Nov. 15, 2010

  • sounds like she was trying to teach you two to communicate with repeating what you think you heard, making sure that was the intended thought, try a book on this techinque, i tmay describe in a better way, sounds stupid but it does not have to sound therapist like,
    after so long with a therpaist you do not want to sound like her (she did not put it out there to you correctly0 imo) but the way she communicate, that is why i say read a book describing, you will not hear any kind of voice or tone just info on how to do this
    not bad advice, just have to get her voice out of your head

    good for you both for sticking with couples therapy for so long=shows real committment
    WAY TO GO!
    fiatpax

    Answer by fiatpax at 12:18 AM on Nov. 15, 2010

  • Wow, that sounds a little wacky to me. No offence.
    mommy_bink

    Answer by mommy_bink at 12:19 AM on Nov. 15, 2010

  • That's funny. Why not just tell her to live with him and she can come to your office and translate! Some therapists are just stupid. He knows what you are saying after 6 yrs. He chooses to listen to her. That might be something to talk about with him. Why her and not you? (not bashing - just listening)
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 12:19 AM on Nov. 15, 2010

  • I'd say if you're still having problems communicating... find a different therapist, sounds like bs to me. and if i talked to my husband like that on a daily basis, he'd probably take it as belittling, because it can really sound like that...
    young-not-dumb

    Answer by young-not-dumb at 12:27 AM on Nov. 15, 2010

  • Did someone recommend this therapist to you or did you just pick one? If I was you, I think I would be seeing another therapist due to the fact she doesn't seem to realize that the reason you come to her is you want to improve your relationship with your husband. But, her telling you to talk to him like she does? That's just not right. You didn't go to her to talk like she does to your husband. I would find another one ASAP.
    amessageofhope

    Answer by amessageofhope at 1:02 AM on Nov. 15, 2010

  • If your having trouble communicating then wouldnt it be worth a shot? Perhaps you cannot really hear how your talking to him, but it is obviously not working. Did she suggest that he talk differently to you? It honestly sounds like she is saying, you need to ask him what his feelings are and really listen. It is going to be "weird" for a while. Any kind of change like that is. But wouldn't at least be worth trying if it may help save your marriage?
    RheaF

    Answer by RheaF at 7:31 AM on Nov. 15, 2010

  • To RheaF: No, I disagree. The therapist actually told me to repeat what she was saying, exactly the tone she was using. So if I do it word for word and change my voice to sound like her, then I wouldn't be me then would I? That in itself defeats the point of marrying someone if you can't use your own voice to communicate. I have a very nice voice btw. But actually what my therapist was trying to get across is that my husband likes voices that are quiet and near whispering. If that was really a deal-breaker, it's something he should have thought of before marrying me. JMO.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 12:12 PM on Nov. 15, 2010

  • Sorry, didn't mean to offend. You sounded in your OP that you are seeking help. Your obviously having issues in your marriage. You also have not said what the counslor told him to do(if anything).Most likely she gave him advicein how to communicate with you too. Since you said that was the major issue. I am not saying you do not have a nice voice(after all how would I know,LOL?)I was just saying that if you really want things to change perhaps giving it a shot would help. How do you usually talk to him? In a demanding tone? Do you listen,etc? There is a huge chunk of this left out. I am sorry if I offend you, I really don't mean to. But you asked for advice. Yes, I have been to marriage counsling as well, and this does not sound odd at all to me. It sounds like she is trying to help you two communicate better.
    RheaF

    Answer by RheaF at 2:30 PM on Nov. 15, 2010

  • My thoughts based on what you have shared.

    Every single person has their own way of communicating (some have similarities but no one's is exactly the same). The therapist has pinpointed your husband's communication style. She is showing you the way in which he best understands and interprets communciations. She's having you mimic her so that you can learn how to commuincate affectly with him, and eventually you will start communicating with him in your own words/feelings using the same style.

    Most of the time. Many couples "talk at" one another. Not "talk to" one another. That's because of the differences in interpreting communications and methods of communicating. If couples do not know and understand one anothers communication style, then whatever one is saying to the other sounds like Charlie Brown's teacher.. lol.. Sounds silly, but it's true.

    Cont. Below.
    pixie_trix

    Answer by pixie_trix at 4:39 PM on Nov. 15, 2010

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