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2 Bumps

give and inch, take a mile

We have what I would call a permissive household, but the rules that I do set are constantly ignored by my 17 yr old daughter. She does what ever she wants and often times takes advantage of our families generous nature. Her boyfriend stays here often, we feed him and do his laundry. I enjoy having him here but let's face it, feeding and cleaning up after another teenager is expensive and time consuming. I have talked to her, but she doesn't get it. I feel like she is disrespecting and taking advantage of me. When I get mad and voice my opinion I am labeled "crazy psycho". I do not know how to have my voice heard and be respected.

Answer Question
 
mountainmom3379

Asked by mountainmom3379 at 12:11 PM on Nov. 15, 2010 in Teens (13-17)

Level 3 (16 Credits)
Answers (10)
  • Put your foot down and kick him out of YOUR house. She isn't just disrespecting you, she is rubbing your face in it. Stand up and take your house back!!
    Cindy18

    Answer by Cindy18 at 12:14 PM on Nov. 15, 2010

  • Your major mistake was allowing this to happen in the first place, now you want respect?? One thing is to be generous and another is to be a door mat. You need to reset the rules and change everything you have allowed, this is going to be a very difficult task when you have already bend those rules, good luck!
    older

    Answer by older at 12:14 PM on Nov. 15, 2010

  • I'm sorry to say, you set this up by being the permissive parent. You can simply forbid him from staying in your home anymore, or ask that she get a job and contribute. However, coming up with rules that weren't there from the beginning will upset any child. And if you allowed him there multiple times, saying no now is almost hypocrisy.

    Good luck...
    mrskrisher

    Answer by mrskrisher at 12:15 PM on Nov. 15, 2010

  • Direct your conversation at both of them, she will be less likely to be rude to you in front of her boyfriend. Address him: "We love you, we love having you, but you need to go home from time to time, your mother misses you." Since you are not his mother he will feel less comfortable being rude to you and more likely to seek your approval.
    SabrinaBean

    Answer by SabrinaBean at 12:16 PM on Nov. 15, 2010

  • You're right: if you feel disrespected, you're not respecting yourself.

    Oh, that's not what you said, is it?

    If you were giving out of genuine generosity, or because you really believed what you were doing was right for you, for your relationships and for your child, you would not be experiencing this. There may be many reasons why you are choosing to do what you choose to do --but the only person who needs to respect your gifts, generosity and work is you. Until you value it, no one else's gratitude will make any impression on you, and unless you value, it no one else will. It's not their choice --it's yours.

    I think the 'crazy psycho' comment comes because you seem to quite happily and voluntarily make food and do laundry for weeks and weeks and then, out of nowhere (PMS?) you 'pop' in completely unpredictable ways. Your kids is pointing out your continuity error.

    Why do you think you do it, if you don't want to?
    LindaClement

    Answer by LindaClement at 12:19 PM on Nov. 15, 2010

  • You sound like a nice mother, but no disrespect to you, you sound "too" nice. Your daughter is disrespecting you and your rules. You need to set healthy boundaries and let her know that you will NOT tolerate her disrespect. If she continues to disrespect her tell her that her boyfriend can't come over, or take away a privilege. She is not an adult yet but when she turns 18 let her know where the front door is if she still is mean to you. One thought, why would you do a 17 year old's laundry? Shouldn't that be his responsibility? You are enabling your children to stay immature by doing for them. They need to step up to the plate and contribute. Good luck.
    twinkletoes0408

    Answer by twinkletoes0408 at 6:37 PM on Nov. 15, 2010

  • I've had a very similar problem with my 17 year old daughter. I just said "I need to talk to you. I feel like we are being very cool about you and Dillon and that you are taking advantage of us. We really like him and can tell he loves you and we hope that you guys stay together during these formative years. I don't want you to do this and this, and I do want you to do this and this. Not doing so would be very disrespectful of you both. She said she would take care of the problem.
    I find straight talk is the way to go, you just have to be calm and don't let her upset you. Listen to her to.
    onethentwins

    Answer by onethentwins at 8:12 PM on Nov. 15, 2010

  • I agree about the laundry. My twins have been doing their own since they turned 16.
    onethentwins

    Answer by onethentwins at 8:14 PM on Nov. 15, 2010

  • Unless there are consequences for breaking the rules, they will continue to be broken.
    rkoloms

    Answer by rkoloms at 9:39 PM on Nov. 15, 2010

  • wow, tell them both to get their own place!
    NicolesMommy

    Answer by NicolesMommy at 2:38 AM on Nov. 16, 2010

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