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How can I tell him his friends are the problem?

My SO of 7 years has recently made friends with a few guys in our neighborhood, which is nice, except they're all losers. They live at home, don't have a job or have crappy jobs, and do nothing but drink, do drugs, and play video games. My SO doesn't the drugs, but he's starting to hang out with these guys way too much and since they are not allowed in my home since we have a young child, he is always somewhere else. I'm afraid these guys are going to get into trouble and just because he is with them, he'll be in it too. I tried to tell him my concern but he thinks that as long as he isn't the one causing the trouble he'll be okay. I don't want to be his mother and tell him who he can and can't hang out with, and since these are his only friends nearby, but how do I get him to see that these guys are complete no good losers and he shouldn't be around them?

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Asked by Anonymous at 12:55 PM on Nov. 15, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (9)
  • I'd be careful what you say or you could drive him further away. I'd just say that you'd like to spend more time as a family or just the 2 of you and refrain from putting down his "friends".

    Answer by skittles1108 at 12:57 PM on Nov. 15, 2010

  • Are you dating a nine-year-old?

    If your company is unrewarding --naggy, critical, threatening or just unpleasant-- he'll seek out other entertainment. If you want him to be nearer to you, indicate that with your behaviour, not your words.

    Do you greet him with a smile or a snarl? Are you genuinely happy to see him, or do you present him with a list of his shortcomings or a comparative essay about how your life is harder than his? Do you appreciate anything about him, apart from his malleability and his inclination to go along with whoever's around?

    If you had said to me what you seem to have said to him (when I was 9), I'd have taken it on as a challenge: oh yeah? I can be around those people without being like them, you wait and see... which would very quickly be forgotten in the fun company of people who aren't trying to change who I am to suit them.

    Answer by LindaClement at 1:01 PM on Nov. 15, 2010

  • Linda, while you make some valid points I'm kind of confused on the comparison to a 9 year old?

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 1:05 PM on Nov. 15, 2010

  • Why are you guys blaming HER for her SO"s friend choice?
    I'd stick with the 'no loser friends in the house" rule and tell him if he gets arrested along with them,you're not bailing his ass out of jail.

    Answer by butterflyblue19 at 1:08 PM on Nov. 15, 2010

  • I can see your point, BUT I think you need to tread very carefully on this and not make a big issue out if it. If you trash them he will automatically defend his friends (even if he does not agree with what they do) and you don't want to 'forbid' as he is an adult and that would make him want to be with them even more. I would say something like "gee I really miss seeing you since you have been spending so much time with X. I'd like it if you would spend a little more time at home with us" or maybe say "since we have not spent much time together lately, how about we do XXX on Friday after work?" Maybe if you make it sound like you miss him, he will be more willing to limit the time with his friends.

    Answer by MizLee at 1:09 PM on Nov. 15, 2010

  • I would lift the ban on them being in my house--I think he'd be less likely to get in trouble if he was in our home and around me than if I were forcing him to go somewhere else. Don't let them drink or smoke in your house, but you're the one telling him to spend time away from you....

    Answer by bethany169 at 1:15 PM on Nov. 15, 2010

  • bethany - I see where you're coming from but unless I strip search each person that comes into my house I have no way of telling if these guys have anything (like drugs) on them and I have a child at home. What if something fell out of their pocket while they're sitting on my couch and my child found it? No thank you.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 1:43 PM on Nov. 15, 2010

  • you cant tell a man anything...the more you tell him the less he would consider what you are saying. At this point..I would not say one word to him unless he starts bringing them in the home. I agree with you on not allowing them in your space. He would figure it out later if not sooner....GOod Luck.

    Answer by mom42107 at 2:00 PM on Nov. 15, 2010

  • When my dh first got out of the military and we came back home he wanted to hang out with a couple of friends that still smoked pot and stuff. He thought I was just being a bitch when I told him I didn't want him around them. Our state is a "hand of one, hand of all" and I told him he'd be in jail along side them whether he touched the stuff or not (he doesn't do that). He finally saw things my way. As for his new friend who has caused some issues (very different) lol I don't know what to do about him lol.

    Answer by Austinsmom35 at 8:48 PM on Nov. 17, 2010

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