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6 Bumps

marriage

This last year has been rough for us. I had PPD pretty bad and have been better for 4 months now. I had moments where I was terrible to my DH and took it out on him. Then I snapped out of it and he immediately turned on me and was very mean for 2 months. He just said he was fed up with me. Finally he is snapping out of it and has been much kinder and is trying. I am trying too. It is a struggle because we both have resentments for what the other has said and done. No cheating or lieing just mean words/actions. We want to be married. Its just hard right now. How do we make it work?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 2:32 PM on Nov. 15, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (15)
  • You work together. You just have to let go of all that has been said to get past it, both of you. If staying together is what you want, you forgive one another, let it go and move forward.
    GrnEyedGrandma

    Answer by GrnEyedGrandma at 2:36 PM on Nov. 15, 2010

  • Been there, done that.  We ended up separated for 6 weeks while we both worked through our own issues.  I suggest you take some time "apart".  Agree to just do things on your own with no expectations from each other for a week.  Sleep in a separate room if it's an option and just try to find yourselves first.  Do some soul searching and figure out how just you screwed up (don't dwell on what he did).  I found that actually worked for us.  We needed time apart to sort things through and then when we both had our breather we were able to calmly sit down and discuss what we expected from each other and ourselves.


    We'll be celebrating our 11th anniversary in January.  Things haven't always been easy but we keep plugging along and working through the hard parts.

    justanotherjen

    Answer by justanotherjen at 2:37 PM on Nov. 15, 2010

  • You know the saying "sticks and stones can break my bones" its a crock. Names and awful words, especially by someone who is supposed to love you are hard to get past. I would try to get some counseling, either from a marriage counselor or a trusted member of the clergy. You both need to learn how to express yourselves to the other without nastiness (hard, I know) and learn to fight fairly and productively.

    The more you talk it out and show appreciation for the little things (like "thank you for bringing me that glass of water" or doing the cat box) will help to mellow the scars and wounds from the mean words that hurt.
    balagan_imma

    Answer by balagan_imma at 2:40 PM on Nov. 15, 2010

  • Be nicer to yourselves.

    You spread around what's in your head. If you are vile and critical all the time about yourself, the mistakes you make, what you're doing wrong, why you're a bad person or just not a good enough person...well, that's the first things you're going to ladle all over someone who happens to be nearby, especially if they are in a good, committed position you expect they can't get out of.

    I've seen this pattern repeated over and over again, so I'l mention it here: I love you, you're perfect, your flaws are quirky and lovable, and you complete me, now change into me because I'm right.

    The cure for this is to appreciate. It is impossible to be in a state of gratitude and dissatisfaction at the same time. So, look at the aspects of your life and yourself that are awesome and be grateful. 3 times a day, pick 4 things you're grateful for and find 3 specific things about them that you love. Start with yourself.
    LindaClement

    Answer by LindaClement at 2:42 PM on Nov. 15, 2010

  • Keep fighting for your marriage. If there are hurtful truths that need to be said then say them and when he needs to say them you listen. Use those truths to improve what you need to. Dont place blame on each other just work together.
    imuney

    Answer by imuney at 2:44 PM on Nov. 15, 2010

  • You should go away just the two of you if possible. Talk about your resentments and how his words made you feel, and he do the same. You should take time out of your day everyday to talk. Hope this helps.

    Best Wishes!
    mommy2joeynabby

    Answer by mommy2joeynabby at 2:46 PM on Nov. 15, 2010

  • I would not recomend taking time apart, but keep doing what you are doing, work on it. Marriage is not always easy, its not always fun, and the married couple do not always like eachother. But the important thing is working it out. Work hard at showing your husband some serious respect, it sounds like his negativity was in response to how you treated him, so chances are he will act positivly when you treat him in a positive manner. Be a sweet loving, good wife to your husband and in time it will get better again. Good luck!
    -LovingMamma-

    Answer by -LovingMamma- at 3:30 PM on Nov. 15, 2010

  • I would say you both have to accept your mistakes from the past and both have to accept each others' apologies. You also have to put it behind you and not hold any grudges :-)
    mz_erica03

    Answer by mz_erica03 at 3:34 PM on Nov. 15, 2010

  • i would try marriage or couple counseling ..
    kaysimon132461

    Answer by kaysimon132461 at 8:16 PM on Nov. 15, 2010

  • I think some counsel therapy might help, marriage is about compromise and communication, but once those not so nice words are spoken resentment sets in if not brought out in the open.. I have been married 38 years, I have found that when something bothers me instead of name calling and hurtful words, I settle down with a paper and pen or my journal book and write it all down. I usually end up giving it to him to read and my writing express my feelings a lot better than my screaming or his.
    older

    Answer by older at 8:20 PM on Nov. 15, 2010

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