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Do I need to notify the hostess of family lunch in advance that I'm not attending?

I am not attending in law's Thanksgiving lunch. YAY ME! LOL! We never know what day or when they are having it, as SIL and MIL wait until the last minute to decide any thing. Although the in laws don't ask me to make the dressing, broccoli casserole and what ever else, I am expected to bring it. They told DH one year that after asking him to ask me the day before T Day, that they "figured I knew to do it from then on." I have been stuck with the major dishes for about 6 years now. Every one else says they "can bring rolls." Or cheesecake. Or paper plates. As tacky as they are, I wonder if I should inform the hostess in advance that I will not be attending or cooking? Even better, what should I say in email to let them know? I don't want to be rude, but it'd be nice if they realized it SUCKS to be taken for granted! * I know, very snarky, but you have NO idea how heinous my in laws are!*

 
Mrs.B3

Asked by Mrs.B3 at 12:46 AM on Nov. 16, 2010 in Just for Fun

Level 16 (3,196 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (7)
  • I think, no matter what you do, you're going to make them mad and they're going to get all bent out of shape.

    I think you can do one of the following - contact them and say, "I know you seem to expect me to provide the meal for your party, and I don't want to leave you with a short notice so I thought I should let you know that dh and I have made other plans for the holidays this year and we won't be coming." Or - When they call to announce the time, say "Sorry, we have other plans. I wish you had given me more notice, I would have let you know that ___ day doesn't work for us. Or - You could say "In the spirit of the giving season, I've decided to give someone else a chance to prepare the meal this year. I think it would be so much better for everyone if we rotate around on it, dividing the cooking between the people who plan to be there.

    GL - and stand strong on this!
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 12:57 AM on Nov. 16, 2010

  • How about....

    Sorry to have to send my regrets, but I will not be able to attend this year. I wanted to be sure that this got to you early enough, so you can find someone else to make the....... I hope you all have a great time. Happy Thanksgiving!
    dmbutler

    Answer by dmbutler at 12:50 AM on Nov. 16, 2010

  • In my last relationship before DH, I was expected to prepare the entire meal, for 6 people. By myself. Every year. Then one year the day before Thanksgiving my ex's mom calls and says she invited a family of 5 to join us, and would that be ok. I said something to the effect of since they were already invited, I guess so. Not only were they 5 more people I had to accomodate in less than 24 hours' notice, but they only spoke spanish the entire time they were in my house, even though they could speak english they chose not to and sat there in my living room with the ex's mom talking crap about me the whole afternoon (never did tell my ex's mom I understand Spanish lol). The next year they all assumed I was making dinner again, until they asked me the day before when I was serving and what was being made and I said I wasn't doing it. Boy, they were pissed! But it was well worth it.
    rhianna1708

    Answer by rhianna1708 at 2:14 AM on Nov. 16, 2010

  • "In the spirit of the giving season, I've decided to give someone else a chance to prepare the meal this year. I think it would be so much better for everyone if we rotate around on it, dividing the cooking between the people who plan to be there.....

    I really like this! HAHAHA
    Mrs.B3

    Comment by Mrs.B3 (original poster) at 1:08 AM on Nov. 16, 2010

  • Although I understand your feelings, do you really want to cause long term bad feelings with in laws? If you're just venting here, well, we all need to do that sometimes, but this is your husband's family. Even if they aren't considerate of you, I think I wouldn't lower myself to the same level. I'd give them as much notice as possible, and say that you're sorry you won't be making it, and that you hope they have a wonderful Thanksgiving.
    ohwrite

    Answer by ohwrite at 1:30 AM on Nov. 16, 2010

  • Minor venting, yes. LOL. I don't like them and that is no secret to DH. He doesn't like to spend time with them either. LOL. They are his family, yes, but they're also rude, selfish and inconsiderate. Family or not, I'm not putting up with it any longer, which is why I was THRILLED when DH said it wouldn't hurt his feelings one bit if I chose to stay home this year. He will go long enough to make an appearance, of course. I won't lower myself to their level because I don't think it's humanly possible for me to be that selfish. I'll probably send an email tomorrow. I just wanted to gather my thoughts first. :)
    Mrs.B3

    Comment by Mrs.B3 (original poster) at 1:45 AM on Nov. 16, 2010

  • Well, part of the reason I am not going is because of almost 12 years of chaos at every one of their Thanksgiving lunches. No one plans ahead, no one brings what they say they will, no one is on time, etc. We even hosted at our house one year, and they showed up early griping that the food wasn't ready. I've just had my fill of their ridiculous behavior. I've tried to help plan things, but it never fails that my SIL has some issue with the planning. Even if I ask her, she won't tell me her opinion but gripes when it's not what she wants. I shouldn't have to cook every thing substantial, in my opinion, either.
    Mrs.B3

    Comment by Mrs.B3 (original poster) at 2:38 AM on Nov. 16, 2010

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