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3 Bumps

Husband is having a midlife crisis and it is hurting our daughter

My husband of 20+ years is having a midlife crisis and left home 3 weeks ago. Has only come home over the last 3 months to get things to sell for money since he has not had a job for over a year. This time he has been gone for 3 weeks and showed up last week to take things that he has sold. I had no choice but to get a court order to keep him off the property and out of the house. He was needless to say angry. This is the first time I have done anything to hurt him. He was so hateful to our daughter that day and she has been more devastated since then. Good chances he is living with his younger married girlfriend w/kids he met on a chat site. This is against every belief he ever had. I grow to hate him more everyday for what he is doing to us. He has walked out and is not even looking back. I am moving on & not waiting any longer. He has done all the damage i am going to let him do to us. He will be back but it will be to late

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 1:43 PM on Nov. 16, 2010 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (16)
  • Oh yeah. I wanted to address the alcohol and other substances. Alcohol can play a part in these behaviours and choices. I do believe my husband's drinking played a part in his.. He has not had a drink since the night he came home drunk and confessed his actions. He himself had not even realized how much his drinking/behaviours had spiralled out of control even though we faught about them all the damn time.. That whole "perspective" thing and all. However, even the drinking my husband was responsible for, period. And though it did play a part (I believe) in his choices/behaviours, the ultimate responsiblity for his choices lay on him.

    All these years later. My husband will still cry sometimes over the "bastard he had beome.. the selfish asshole that he was who cared about no one but himeslf" (his words not mine).. One day, I'm sure your husband/ex (however it goes) will do the same. The issue is "when" and do you wait.
    pixie_trix

    Answer by pixie_trix at 4:27 PM on Nov. 16, 2010

  • I'm sorry. You are doing the absolute best thing you can - move on, and never look back. Love your daughter, show her you are there for her. You should file for divorce/custody as soon as possible to be sure you get all your bases covered.
    Scuba

    Answer by Scuba at 1:46 PM on Nov. 16, 2010

  • midlife crisis or not.The man needs to support his family.Even if it means he works at McDonalds.Just because he is not happy does not give him the right to hurt your family.Tell him if he is that unhappy to go find his happiness somewhere else.
    evelynwest

    Answer by evelynwest at 1:45 PM on Nov. 16, 2010

  • Your biggest revenge might be to just let him go. These things never work out in the end and he'll have dug himself into a giant hole. In the meantime, pick yourself up by the bootstraps, get the support you and your daughter need and kiss his sorry ass goodbye.
    amybaby_19

    Answer by amybaby_19 at 1:46 PM on Nov. 16, 2010

  • He wants a divorce, and you have already filed for a seperation. What is holding you back from filing for the divorce? Is it that you do not want a divorce, is it spite because he wants one..etc? Think about (you don't have to share with me & everyone here..lol) why you do not want to take that final step. And what you hope to accomplish by not doing so.

    From my experience if he has already left (packed up and moved out), and he had been carrying this relationship on for a year. Then waiting for him to regret his decisions and decide to come home, will be far more painful, stressful and hurtful for you and your daughter in the long run. He may or may not regret his decisions (I personally think he will one day). So do what's best for you and your daughter NOW. Don't wait for him to wake up and smell the coffee in regards to what he has gotten himself into with this other person..
    pixie_trix

    Answer by pixie_trix at 3:16 PM on Nov. 16, 2010

  • Good attitude, sorry for your daughter it must just suck for her right now, hope times get better for the both of you. Good Luck!
    NicholeAT

    Answer by NicholeAT at 1:46 PM on Nov. 16, 2010

  • May I ask something..

    What makes you think it is a mid life crisis as opposed to: he was unhappy, found someone else and has decided to move on with his life?

    The reason I ask is this. People who have been married for a long period of time (I myself have been married 25 yrs) do not usually just wake up one day and decide they are done and are moving on. The feelings,thoughts, issues have usually been going on for a period of time and then are just finally acted upon. Could this be the case here? Were there problems in your relationship before this, no matter how big or small? Was he unhappy in anyway before he made these choices?

    Whether he comes back or not, is irrelevant really. He has already made the choice. What matters now is: What do YOU want and what do YOU want to do. If you want if over, go ahead and starf filing for divorce now and get it over with. No since in waiting around for him. KWIM.
    pixie_trix

    Answer by pixie_trix at 2:01 PM on Nov. 16, 2010

  • My father was the same way when him and my mother split up. He wasn't seeing anyone else it was actaully my mother who wanted the divorce because of his controling attitude. Anyway when my mother left he treated my sister and I really bad. We were not used to that. He even kicked us out the house we has no where to go. I commend you for keeping him away this will hopefully protect you daughter from anymore negative harm he may do.
    Jenaiko01

    Answer by Jenaiko01 at 2:02 PM on Nov. 16, 2010

  • Another question you most likely will not like. However, I'll ask anyway.
    Were these his feelings about your relationship that he shared, or are these your views of your relationship?

    Also. if he just decided one day, with no warning, no problems, not nothing, to pick up leave and be with someone else. Did he just meet this other person the week he decided to leave. If so, then yeah I'd say he totally lost it in a week and will strongly be regretting that decision very soon. And I would start divorce proceedings immediately and start a new life without him.If he had known this other person for longer than the week that he suddenly changed. I would dare say, that he wasn't as happy as you may have been under the impression that he was.And I would still be filing for divorce proceedings immediately and beginning my new life without him.

    Get a lawyer. File for a legal seperation w/a temporary CS order. Then begin a divorce
    pixie_trix

    Answer by pixie_trix at 2:51 PM on Nov. 16, 2010

  • So in essence.. It did not happen in a week. This was going on for a year.

    Many of things you shared. I have experienced. 16 years ago. There was a young lady that my husband worked with. We were having a rough time in our marriage. She told him on a regular basis how he deserved better, how he would be happier if he moved on..etc. He also began drinking, and hanging out with a "younger" crowd. All of those things, and the choices he made. All were HIS choice and his alone. That young lady, she couldn't make him do anything he didn't want to do anymore than I could. lol... He chose to drink, he chose to listen to her, he chose to have a one night stand with her. All of those things laid on my husband and he alone. My husband came home the night he had sex with her, drunk crying and confessed all. I was shocked to say the least. Yeah our marriage wasn't perfect ..but this...

    Cont.
    pixie_trix

    Answer by pixie_trix at 3:09 PM on Nov. 16, 2010