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Feeling really sad, don't know what to do

My husband and I have been together for 28 yrs, for the past 16yrs sense our first child is when it all started. We were both on first shift, when I had my first child I went on 2nd shift. then had another kid 4 yrs later. and most of my attention was on the new babies. He went out and bought a computer, he has been on it everyday for 16 yrs. Talking in chat rooms, texting other girls i assume.
Iam so sick of this, he pays no attention to any of us. Iam ready for a divorce,but he said no he doesn't want one. I feel so stuck.. I work part time nights,I don't want a day job unless I could find a 8 to 2, so I can get my kids on the bus.. I don't like them standing by the road alone. Iam so stuck, in this and its been like this for years. I don't know what to do. should I get a divorce and try to make it on my own or should I just do whatever I want and stay in this marrage? Iam so sad all the time. Pam

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Pamrose

Asked by Pamrose at 8:35 AM on Nov. 17, 2010 in Relationships

Level 3 (22 Credits)
Answers (13)
  • Have you two tried counseling? Perhaps you need to get your ducks in a row and get the job you need to be more independent so he will see you mean business. Also, try to find happiness in something of your own. It's too bad he is willing to miss out on his family but you don't have to.
    BluDog

    Answer by BluDog at 8:39 AM on Nov. 17, 2010

  • Of course he doesn't want a divorce - after all, he's got the advantages and benefits of marriage while paying no attention to any of you, while making no efforts.
    Is this the relationship that you want? You say that you feel "sad" and "stuck" and that you're ready for a change. Sounds to me like it's time to sit down and make a serious list of all the changes that divorce would bring - all of the pros AND all of the cons ... and then make your decision.
    Gaccck

    Answer by Gaccck at 8:39 AM on Nov. 17, 2010

  • I would give him an ultimatum. Most of the time people say not to, but when your marriage is on the line i think it's necessary.

    You need to tell him to get off the computer, or you're going to file for divorce. It's not all about what he wants, it's what you want too. He can't have his cake & eat it too. If he chooses the computer life, fine....then you should leave. What he is doing is inappropriate & not healthy for a marriage. I would give him an ultimatum to either stop with the computer, or get a divorce. Let your inner bitch come out & tell him how it's going to be...or else....
    samurai_chica

    Answer by samurai_chica at 8:45 AM on Nov. 17, 2010

  • I am very sorry you have been going through such a hard time, and for so many years. Although I can't tell you to get a divorce I will say that you need to do whatever it is to make yourself be happy again. Nobody deserves to be treated this way and to live so many years in an unhappy marriage. If he is talking with other women that is very disrespectful to you and to your marriage. You deserve more and so do your kids, and if you're not happy they won't be happy either. I wish you and your children the best!
    michelle5971

    Answer by michelle5971 at 8:45 AM on Nov. 17, 2010

  • sounds like what my life could have been
    he on computer like this all the time
    except he added - strap this on and 'do me' or i will find someone who will
    * he gave me an ultimatum*
    and took him up on it, meaning i choose the 2nd option, so now he is without me and without his daughter, he still has his computer and now he can look for that woman to do this (and yes i tryed coneseling, and i tryed compromise)
    we were together only five years, and our daughter is still young - 3. she of course would be better off with a great dad around, but better off without a dad who was always on computer anyway, and an example of how a man treats a woman- like giving her this option - do this sex act you are not into orleave- is not the example of a relationship i want my daughter to look for when she is older

    sorry for you, wish you the best, know that you helped me! - by showing me that i did make the right choice
    God Bless You!
    fiatpax

    Answer by fiatpax at 9:10 AM on Nov. 17, 2010

  • Thank you all so much for all your comments, it really is helping.
    Pamrose

    Comment by Pamrose (original poster) at 9:23 AM on Nov. 17, 2010

  • I know this must be hard but I have to say. When a women puts her kids above her husband, she hurts the whole family by breaking apart the most important relationship in the family. A man needs a women to be around him to love him, admire him, and make love to him. By working nights for so long and paying more attention to your kids then you may have alienated your husband. I don't think he is right to turn to his computer to fill the void but it sounds like that is what has happened. Men and women both have needs. He isn't meeting yours but are you meeting his? Get the day job! There is latch key at school if needed. Get him off the computer by being there for him. Tell him what you need. And put him first. Your kids will grow up and have a life of their own someday. If you lose your marriage you'll be alone.
    bjane01

    Answer by bjane01 at 9:25 AM on Nov. 17, 2010

  • I totally disagree with the idea that a grown man needs to run and play on the computer and talk to other women because his wife is a good mother and wants to make sure her children are safe. That does not kill a marriage. Not communicating, not listening to one's spouse and playing on a computer all the time does. Personally I don't think men, or women if the situation is reversed, need to be put on a pedastal and catered to for sex. Marriage is supposed to be a two way street. Both sides should talk and listen. Just because she went to a different shift should not have meant an excuse to him to be this way. A lot of couples work different shifts, some even spend time in other towns or states working, and the spouse at home doesn't run to find someone else online and it's not much of a man who would rather his children in a latch key program while they are young when an alternative is available.
    wildflowers25

    Answer by wildflowers25 at 9:48 AM on Nov. 17, 2010

  • I'm sorry you feel sad. I hope everything works out for you


    hugs

    bratgirln1

    Answer by bratgirln1 at 12:05 PM on Nov. 17, 2010

  • This is to samurai_chica,

    I wrote him a note and giving him a choice, either spend time with me and the kids and be a father and husband, or get out.
    Which pretty much means giving up his pc. I don't see him doing that.. but we will see.

    I also agree with bjane01.... about him needing more attention, we were ok for 10 yrs until the kids came then it all went down hill. I love my kids to death, they make me laugh we spend time together, they are great kids. But I also agree with wildflowers25.......
    That's no reason to turn to the computer looking for another women, he should be laughing and spending time with me and the kids, not on the pc looking. Thank you all.. for your support and in helping me through this mess. I will keep in touch... let you know the turn out. I hope he stays with us and leaves the computer. Thank you again, I love you guys!
    Pamrose

    Comment by Pamrose (original poster) at 9:42 AM on Nov. 18, 2010

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