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How to not say the things you know will hurt?

I am having a hard time hiding my anger and dissappointment in my 17 yo dd. I don't want to say the words that I know will hurt her and I will regret the moment they come out. There is a lot going on now and I just feel like I don't agree with most of it, but I have shut down because I don't want to scar her like I was. Words can hurt, especially from your mom. So, how do I not make it worse?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 2:23 PM on Nov. 17, 2010 in Teens (13-17)

Answers (9)
  • Honestly, whether or not your words hurt depends on how she receives them......you must talk with her....shutting down will not help.....maybe try talking to a counselor about it.....it may help...
    Anna92464

    Answer by Anna92464 at 2:26 PM on Nov. 17, 2010

  • It depends on what is going on. Sometimes we as moms have to step in and tell our kids things they don't want to hear but I don't know what situation you have going on. Can you be more specific as to what she is doing
    sue118

    Answer by sue118 at 2:26 PM on Nov. 17, 2010

  • The things that I am having the hardest time with are college related. She has applied to only her top two choices and wants to wait until she hears from them. I don't think that is a great idea. And of course a boy. The worse kind, the one she loves and I hate. The truth is I have said all I can on all subjects and she just doesn't care. DH has tried, but feels like she has to learn these lessons on her own. I just want to help. And the boy thing, she just looks like a stupid despartate girl and I hate it. Those are the kind of words I don't want to say.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 2:33 PM on Nov. 17, 2010

  • I think you husband is right on this one. Those sorts of things are her decisions to make. All you can do is offer her your help and opinion but also let her know that it is her choice. If you are too pushy then she will resent it. You just have to let go alittle now that she is almost an adult. It would be different if it were a life threatening situation but as for this, I think it is typical kids growing up and us moms have a hard time not being able to tell them what to do and them having to listen.
    sue118

    Answer by sue118 at 2:42 PM on Nov. 17, 2010

  • How do you not say it??? Bite your tongue, leave the room, edit your words. Take a deep breath, hug your daughter (not too tightly) and let her know that while you don't agree with all of her choices, you will refrain from being too critical unless her decisions are extremely destructive.
    The college thing - if her grades are great and her SAT scores were high - there is nothing wrong with only applying to 2 colleges. Some kids only apply to their 1 choice and if they don't go in, go to the local community college until they can transfer to their choice.
    The boy - wow harsh words calling your own daughter stupid and desperate. Why do you hate him? Is he needy, abusive, changing her behavior? If no to those, then drop it. Most HS couples do not last, especially if the two are going to separate colleges.
    twinsplus2more

    Answer by twinsplus2more at 3:41 PM on Nov. 17, 2010

  • I am agreeing with your husband, some kids just need to learn through natural consequences. As long as the boy isn't hurting her, I would let it alone.
    tyfry7496

    Answer by tyfry7496 at 4:22 PM on Nov. 17, 2010

  • write down a list of things about her that you love or admire. Practice saying those things to her. Then say them. When it comes to the negative stuff, bite your lip. And, be thankful your daughter is going to college at all.
    onethentwins

    Answer by onethentwins at 7:59 PM on Nov. 17, 2010

  • I'm in a similar position and I don't have much advice but you do have my sympathy. I'll be reading everyone's responses to pick up some new ideas!
    ceallaigh

    Answer by ceallaigh at 9:15 PM on Nov. 17, 2010

  • At this age the more you try to change their decisions the more likely do stick with what their doing. If she will let you talk to her about what she is doing and why. Give your input without being rude or condecending, yet don't sugarcoat it too much either.
    FroggyFeet

    Answer by FroggyFeet at 8:10 AM on Nov. 20, 2010

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