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How do I tell my son my boyfriend now is his real father, not my ex-husband?

While separated from my husband, I met a man I will call Joe. My husband and I ended up working things out, and getting back together. Shortly after getting back together, I found out I was pregnant with my son who is going to be 9 next month. My husband told me after I found out that I was pregnant with my son that he would raise the baby as his own, but Joe was never to know about my son. Last year, my husband and I divorced, and coincidentally, I ended up running into my son't real father. He and I are together now, and my son is crazy about him, and wants us to get married. We have discussed getting married, but I'm still healing from my divorce. I want to tell my son that my NOW boyfriend is his REAL father, no my ex-husband. My ex-husband and I share 50/50 custody of our 3 children (a daughter who is 11, and another daughter who is 3 and my son), so my ex-husband is still in their lives. How do I present this to my son?


Asked by cnice1976 at 2:15 AM on Nov. 18, 2010 in Tweens (9-12)

Level 7 (174 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (8)
  • cont

    Then tell him, as you know, as much as your dad and I wish that we had been able to work things out, it didn't turn out that way. However, we both love you very much! And, sometimes in life, funny things happen. I met Joe again, and he loves you very much, too. And the amazing thing is, Joe is your biological father. That doesn't mean that Jack isn't your dad, too - it just means that now you're lucky enough to have 2 men who love you so much and who are proud to be your Dad."

    But, even if you don't go into all of this, I would be very careful about the whole "real dad" thing - to your son, your ex is his dad if he's a good dad, and hard on your dd's if he wasn't - the whole - you have a new "real dad", but they don't (like Joe is going to love them less sort of thing).

    Good luck however you explain it - I think you're going to have some tough questions ahead, but it's not something you want to try to hide.

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 2:47 AM on Nov. 18, 2010

  • I suggest a DNA test to be on the safe side and to be 1000% sure....not based on the timing of your pregnancy after "Joe" and you split.

    You would not want to find out later that "JOE" really isnt....the father and your now EX IS.

    DNA is the best way.......not playing a guessing game....give yourself the closure and know the facts......cause there are 3 mens emotions involved.....more importanly your sons. And your EX will still be the father your son knows as his the DNA.

    Good luck.

    Answer by LilyPondOasis at 2:27 AM on Nov. 18, 2010

  • lmbo! Soor, I didn't read it right, I though he was nine month old, but he ll be nine next month. Sorry ..

    Answer by BeachMom81 at 2:38 AM on Nov. 18, 2010

  • I dont know, that seems like something to discuss with him when he is older. He is still so little and I think it would confuse him

    Answer by LuvMyMedic3ID at 2:34 AM on Nov. 18, 2010

  • If your son is crazy about Joe, I would start by asking questions: What do you think of Joe? Would you like to have him as your father? Do you think that he is a good dad? Why or why not. 9 is a young age, but with the right questions asked, he might be thrilled to know that Joe is actually his real father. Be honest and let your DS know that you are sorry for not revealing this earlier. That will help him to know that you didn't like the outcome of your bad marriage, but that he now can enjoy having a good dad! GL!

    Answer by Babylove76 at 2:34 AM on Nov. 18, 2010

  • I think you're not seeing the wood because of all the tree. To me it seems crystal clear: You're a patchwork family now. Big deal. It happens all the time!
    1) He's nine month old. If you were to explain it to him, he'd probably just look at you and then burp. lol Just talk about your BF as "daddy"now. He'll pick up on it. And then he'll know.
    2) If you know for sure it's you bf's son ... Who's your ex to tell you what tp do about it?! -Like lilyPond says, once a DNA test prooves, there will also be a change in custody. Th
    Simple as that.

    Answer by BeachMom81 at 2:37 AM on Nov. 18, 2010

  • Also, I wouldn't use words like "real father". Because, whether he's your ex or not, or whether or not biologically he's the father or not, for the past 9 yrs he's been your son's father, and to try to deny that or minimize it (even if he was a crappy father), is going to be confusing and painful for your son.

    I would get the dna test like the pp said, then, if it works out that your bf is the bio father, then that's what I would say. I would approach it as "you're very lucky, you have two men in your life who both love you very much, and who both get to say that they're your father". Before you were born, your dad and I separated and I was with Joe. Your dad and I tried to work things out and got back together. That's when we found out you were going to be born. We were very happy, and your dad was so excited that you were coming.


    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 2:38 AM on Nov. 18, 2010

  • Thank you ALL for your have a very good point! I wasn't really sure how to present it to where my son would understand. I didn't really want to use that term either "real dad" because my ex, while we were married, was a good father to my son. I want him to love my ex too still, because he IS the only father he's ever known. I AM planning on doing the DNA test, and I'm sure a question or two will come from my son as to what is going on there as well. I'm already certain that "Joe" is my son's father...he is the mini me version of him...Also, another question I would have is when I tell my son that "Joe" is his "other dad" or however I word it...I don't want my oldest daughter to think that "Joe" loves her any less because of him being my son's father. It took her the longest to accept "Joe", and I don't want this to change the awesome relationship they have now.

    Comment by cnice1976 (original poster) at 3:00 AM on Nov. 18, 2010