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2 Bumps

How do I tell my son that my boyfriend now is his biological father, not my ex-husband

Okay, I'm new here, and I didn't mean to close my question...sorry

 
cnice1976

Asked by cnice1976 at 3:06 AM on Nov. 18, 2010 in Tweens (9-12)

Level 7 (174 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (10)
  • I would just explain it to her sort of how you explain it to your son, only reverse it. You tell her that she's very lucky, because she has two wonderful men who love her very much, and are honored to get to be in her life. One is her dad, "Jack", and the other is "Joe", who, while he might not be her dad biologically, that doesn't mean that he loves her any less. Explain that there are lots of things that make a family, there's "blood relation", and there's also "heart relation". You could explain that it's sort of like your son and Jack. You could then explain that your ds was conceived while you were separated from your dh, but that didn't matter to Jack, because even before your ds was born, he loved him as his son. Then you say something like "well, it's sort of like that with you and Joe - he's not your biological dad, but that doesn't mean he doesn't love you and want to be there for you".

    cont
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 3:37 AM on Nov. 18, 2010

  • I would consider your motivation for changing his relationship mapping, first off, no matter how you feel about the other man your son has bonded and holds identity with him as his predecessor for a decade now. You could cripple him and not just from his "Father" of 9-12 years, but also disrupt trust with you. I would consider asking some parenting professionals; if you are involved in a divorce separation currently, his well being as always should be first and foremost over your personal emotional baggage. it is not necessary to replace Dad. Please check out this site, http://www.brainwashingchildren.com/ not that you would partake in this, it's just easy to get emotionally carried away if there is bad blood. if you should want the boyfriend to be accepted as a second father there are appropriate ways to do so. If the ex is doing any of what is sited, there are ways of dealing with him without putting your son in the middle
    freyjawire

    Answer by freyjawire at 3:16 AM on Nov. 18, 2010

  • Biology does not a parent make, only an occupation hopefully aspired to. Good luck in navigating these tricky waters. Is Joe planning on adopting them both? Maybe this is time to start some new tradition of celebrating the new family dynamic that is all inclusive with time for mom and son Joe and son mom and daughter and Joe and daughter as well as together time with strategic plan of initiation between you two adults. Distancing from Father, even if a bad guy may backfire. now or in 10 years.
    freyjawire

    Answer by freyjawire at 3:22 AM on Nov. 18, 2010

  • cont

    Just keep in mind though, 11 is a very hard age for girls (I have a 16 yr old dd myself). Those pre teen, tween years, are worse than the teen years and when they're a toddler all rolled into one. So, she might not be as ok with all of this right away as you hope, and she's probably going to be very angry at you over this. (I'm not judging - I'm just saying what an 11 yr old whose parents got divorced and now she finds all this out is likely to say.) She's going to be mad about how your ds was conceived, and she's going to be angry at both guys, too. Just answer her questions as honestly as you can, but also don't be afraid to say that some things are private (how you and dh were separated, how you were dating Joe then, etc).

    good luck!
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 3:41 AM on Nov. 18, 2010

  • My next question to go along with my first question is....how do I tell my oldest daughter that my boyfriend is my son's biological father, and not have her feel "left out". It took her the longest to accept "Joe" and I don't want this situation to ruin the awesome relationship they finally have because she feels "less special" because "Joe" isn't her real dad too....
    cnice1976

    Comment by cnice1976 (original poster) at 3:16 AM on Nov. 18, 2010

  • freyjawire....thank you, first of all, for your comments. I had accidentally close my original question that explained my situation. In short, while separated from my now ex-husband 11 years ago, I became pregnant with my son. My ex-husband and I worked things out at the time, only to divorce last year. By coincidence, I have come back into contact with "Joe" the man that I believe to be my son's biological father. My son adores him, but my ex-husband and I share 50/50 custody, so he is still very much a part of my son's life. My question was how to tell my son that the man that he believes to be my boyfriend is more than just his possibly soon-to-be-step-dad. I believe that he has a right to know....and I DO NOT want to tell him just to spite my ex-husband....he doesn't want my son to know the truth, he never did, but I believe my son deserves to know the truth about his life, and how it came to be.
    cnice1976

    Comment by cnice1976 (original poster) at 3:29 AM on Nov. 18, 2010

  • Thank you sailorwifenmom for responding....you are very insightful, and I appreciate your good advice!
    cnice1976

    Comment by cnice1976 (original poster) at 3:39 AM on Nov. 18, 2010

  • She and I have become VERY close since the divorce...which I cherish! She and I are so much alike, that before, we fought a lot. My friends tell me that a mother and a daughter can't be best friends like she and I are, but I think she's going through a phase of "I need my mommy" because of her changing body. She doesn't want to talk to her dad about boys, or other pre-teen changes that she's going through right now. It would devistate me to disrupt the great relationship that she and I have now because of the situation, but I also believe that my son has a right to know the truth. Should I just keep it to myself, and never tell? My boyfriend is okay with him not knowing....says that he is just happy to be able to have such a great relationship with him now, but I fear that later, my son will figure it out. So many people now already make comments that I'm sure make him think "what if"
    cnice1976

    Comment by cnice1976 (original poster) at 3:50 AM on Nov. 18, 2010

  • Something else you could consider is waiting until they're a little older and explaining it to them then.
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 7:17 AM on Nov. 18, 2010

  • I fear that my children will resent me...and Joe....if I keep this a secret much longer...especially if they find out on their own.
    cnice1976

    Comment by cnice1976 (original poster) at 11:32 AM on Nov. 18, 2010