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How can I get my husband of 21 years to stay

My husband and i are having problems for the last 18 months. He blames my way to protect my kids and the loss of his job all on me.I love him more than i could ever describe.Now he wants to move to find a job leaving me behind with the kids.I asked if was our end he said i don't know?! I asked if he wanna a divorce? he said "dont jump to conclusions?! I asked if he still wanna be my husband? he said yes/i am not sure I need time and space....everyone iis saying he left me.My own kids are laughing at my I dumb? did he leave me? i have called and texted him 4 times now with no answer. he did mentioned his phone was broken...i cry day and night. i have no friends,no family other them him and my 3 kids. please help. i am so sad,i cant eat,sleep shower...just unstopeble pain and crying

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Asked by Anonymous at 6:41 AM on Nov. 18, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (19)
  • I'm sorry. I think you need to find something for yourself, if you start to feel happier it will be easier to work on things with your DH. Try to find something for yourself and give your DH the space he is asking for. The less you text him the more likely he will be to reach out to you.


    Answer by RyansMom001 at 6:48 AM on Nov. 18, 2010

  • Just give him time to straighten out his thought. Then maybe try to talk to him about counseling. 21 years is a long time to just throw away. Good luck

    Answer by arenad at 6:59 AM on Nov. 18, 2010

  • I am. Last year he left for about 4 months. I was going nuts. Actually I went to the hospital because I was so sad. I was making myself scared. He cameback.Sad sorry,asked for forgiveness. Promissed never to leave again. But, he asks alot of me. He wants me to do all: he calls me strong...I am not, I am sad and broken hearted. he tells me to get over. If, i show sadness he calls pitty party. If he shows feelings are real...our kids are in a point that I call out of control. we had even social services here. he made me feel guilty. everyone involved called him coward for leaving and me dumb for accepting him back. he said very hurtfull things to me last year. i forgave him from my heart. Now his saying he cant forgive me for things i said while in pain or because i did not support him on some cases towards our children. I gave him space. for 18 months I have been working i am the bread winer. he comes and goes as his pleasing.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 7:10 AM on Nov. 18, 2010

  • My husband of 20 years cheated last year and I forgave him...guess what, he now throws it in my face calling me a "taruda" which means a woman who tolerates and accepts a cheating spouse. I so with I had the courage to leave, I still do. If you're the one working and are the main bread winner, then it's obvious that you don't need him for that. If he is only causing you heartache and it coming and going as he pleases then he playing you for a pattsy. Tell him you now need time and he now needs to leave. If he gives you bullshit like "if you make me leave, I'm gone for good" say "fine, you're usually not here anyways and when you are, your more trouble than your worth." Stick to your guns even after 21 years, you deserve respect.

    Answer by ShouldHaveLeft at 7:15 AM on Nov. 18, 2010

  • The only advise I have is to start to do things for yourself. Do things you enjoy. Instead of focusing on what he is doing, focus on what you want to do without him. See a counselor if needed but stop calling him. I think it is hard women sometimes because we want to be in control. Let go of that control and accept that you can't direct him to do as you want. Your goal should be that the next time he contacts you, you will be so busy and happy that you will barely notice.

    Answer by bjane01 at 7:22 AM on Nov. 18, 2010

  • I'm sorry you are in pain. How old are the children?

    Answer by musicmom08 at 7:31 AM on Nov. 18, 2010

  • I am not trying to justify my actions. I called/texted him about 4 times since last sunday. I am a very busy person I own my own business and run a online business too. 3 teens for kids. And one of the phone call was actually to ask him about something he asked me to do. I speak several languages.He told me to apply for a job. Well I did.Yesterday I got the director of the company calling me offering the job.the thing is I did NOT know I would have to sometimes travel out of the country. He has not answered any of them anyways. I understand and agree with all of you. My biggest question is: Y he keeps coming back if he doesn't love me? y he says no to my offer of divorce? y he says i love you...and than i am not sure how much? next day I am here just because of you...he knows how much i love him. Now he lies and tell people we are separated. and than he says dont worry I am doing this because my sister hates you

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 7:33 AM on Nov. 18, 2010

  • my kids are 13, 16 and 18
    first time he left last year was on the day of my 13 years old little girl. She was all dressed up for her friends he was suppost to drive them to the party. he walked away on her at the front door. Sometimes i wish not to love him. sorry for talking so much but, I really have no one in America. My family are all in europe. And we dont give opinion on each others life. I need you all. sorry dont wanna sound pittifull either.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 7:38 AM on Nov. 18, 2010

  • Loosing a job for a man can be very degrading; he is confused and doesn't know his place in the marriage. You seem very strong and are able to handle a lot at this moment but you do need him because you do love him. Don't know maybe it is time to file for separationpapers if that's what he is searching for. Do ask him that.  Separation doesn't always mean divorce might need some counseling to see if the marriage can be worked out.   Again, I'm sorry for what you are going through.


    Answer by musicmom08 at 7:45 AM on Nov. 18, 2010

  • I just want to say you are not pitiful. You are just scared at the moment. I've always say that what doesn't breaks you makes you strong. At the moment your kids need for you to be strong so be that strong mother for them.

    I believe in the end of all of this you'll be just fine.  =] 

    Good Luck


    Answer by musicmom08 at 7:51 AM on Nov. 18, 2010

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