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How can I get my husband and 9 yr daughter to get along

One of the reasons I fell in live with him was he was so great with my daughter. Now we have been married 2years and its a nightmare. All they do is argue. Mostly my husband does all the arguing. Its as though he want to bulley her or have power over her. He nit picks very and I mean very little detail. Just tonight for example I told her it was time for bed. Before she could even get off the couch he was yelling at her to do this and why are you doing that. He thinks I am to easy but I feel like I have to defend her from his constant berading

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Asked by Anonymous at 1:06 AM on Nov. 4, 2008 in Relationships

Answers (10)
  • awww...poor little girl. I have an 8yo and one of the reasons I am with my BF is because he is so good to her. Of course, I have noticed lately that he loses his patience more often and doesn't pay as much attention to her as he used to. Maybe they put on a facade just to get to us. I don't know. I would say get out of the house more often. Go do fun things togther. Things that both she and he enjoy. Joking around and having fun times togther improves relationships in my opinion.

    Answer by MammaMia72 at 3:54 AM on Nov. 4, 2008

  • What happened to your husband to make him so angry with your daughter?Is he spending enough quality and romantic time with you,maybe he feels jealous of your bond?Did he loose a job or any major bad event since living with him?I suggest that he doesn't like her coming between you and him,he wants you all to himself.

    Answer by countingsparows at 4:16 AM on Nov. 4, 2008

  • Wow, I could have written this post... Is this really common? I can tell you one thing that has helped in my house. Using the example you gave, I would explain that I know he thinks I'm too easy, but sometimes he has to step back and let me handle things, and I will let him know when I need his help. By constantly jumping in, he's saying to her "Mommy can't handle your discipline, so I have to do it" If he never lets me do it without adding his two cents, she'd never respect me as an authority figure, so he was contributing to my "being too easy". It doesn't completely stop the nit-picking, but it really cut it down.

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:59 AM on Nov. 4, 2008

  • Continuation of last answer... Of course this only helps solve one symptom, not the ailment itself. Without attacking, and admitting that you may be "overprotective" of our child, ask him why he does this and point out that it seems as though he doesn't like her. Tell him that a good relationship between them is important to you, and ask his ideas on how he thinks they could strengthen it. Having them identify some common threads and spend time together just the two of them Science was our key, she loves it, so does he, they do little experiments at home like making slime and going to museums together now. Having a common bond and building their friendship has made all the difference.

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:04 AM on Nov. 4, 2008

  • I don't like the tone of this, not one little bit. Puberty coming, yelling is abusive. parenting dosn't mean dictating. I not saying any more.

    Answer by Star419 at 8:30 AM on Nov. 4, 2008

  • I suggest you remind him he is not her father. He needs to get a grip. It's not his place to be telling her what to do or especially yelling at her. I'd tell him don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.

    Answer by Chrissy629 at 8:35 AM on Nov. 4, 2008

  • The best situation when a step-parent joins the family is that they need to back off and not discipline the child. If they see a problem, they need to go to the parent and have them clear it up with the child. It causes a lot of resentment in the step- child if the step parent starts getting involved with the disciplining. They need to take the role of "uncle" - not father. She is entering adolescence and as the other poster said - that is going to make things a whole lot harder - even in the best of circumstances with both parents together. You need to take the lead here - even if you are "easy." ...continued...

    Answer by kathyartist2007 at 8:39 AM on Nov. 4, 2008

  • You will need to toughen up. Take it from me - I have a 12 year old and a 2 year relationship with my boyfriend (don't live together). She adores him and he is good to her. But he told me he will be like an uncle to her - not a parent. It is up to me to do the disciplining when she is bratty. She will challenge him too and be really rude and bratty to him. But I do all the reigning in.

    Answer by kathyartist2007 at 8:39 AM on Nov. 4, 2008

  • What has happened to protecting your child first and foremost? He has no right to berate your child, it's abuse and it is your responsibility to stand up to him. Put a stop to it now! If he doesn't want to follow your rules for discipline, he shouldn't be in your child's life. I think that I would also be talking with my child in depth about his behavior when you may not be around.

    Answer by Kimebs at 10:06 AM on Nov. 4, 2008

  • Thanks you all your answers, most of all these I have tried. I should say however I know that he loves my child, he feels that I let her get away with too much and if we dont put our foot down it will only get worse. I will admit she can be very sassy but it is usually after he has "attacked" her. So yes I feel I should come down on her but I'm caught in the middle, if he had gone about asking her differently maybe she wouldnt of reacted the way she did. He says she is playing me. I was always taught dont sweat the small stuff or they wont listen when it comes to the big stuff but he feels you should be on children or they wont listen at all.

    Answer by leeh5 at 11:08 AM on Nov. 4, 2008

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