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How do I get my husband to take finances more seriously?

My husband has a way of just ignoring bills and instead spending the money we have on other things ie he went out and spent $250 on wine. He will also talk about how he wants to do this or that ie go to some concert in January and by new shoes. I don't understand him. We are scheduled to be induced to have our baby girl on Monday. I don't feel secure with him when it comes to finances. And when I try to talk to him about it he gets extremely defensive. I've tried to just ignoring the bills and not saying anything but it doesn't seem like it helps ... it doesn't change his behavior. It really concerns me because I don't want to go "down" with him. It's like he's clueless...and then I get this mentality that he can't do anything and then begins my mental spiral of feeling like I'm the handy one and the responsible basically I'm the one who has to take care of everything. Help!

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Asked by hljones at 4:20 PM on Nov. 18, 2010 in Relationships

Level 6 (122 Credits)
Answers (14)
  • Well I can't tell you what to do honey, But if it were me I would take a little bit of money at a time from him to where he doesn't notice. I would put it in a secret savings account, and when something comes up and he blew the money and don't have anything to give it will scare him enough to start paying attention. If you have to, eventually pay it for ya'll. Or keep adding to that money for emergency purposes only. If nothing comes up save it for your babies college fund.

    Answer by future_mommy01 at 4:27 PM on Nov. 18, 2010

  • My DF and I just had a huge finance talk a couple weeks ago! We both were guilty of stupid spending and decided to make a monthly budget. After seeing everything laid out on paper we came up with an awesome system which still allows for some "fun money." We started the month of November and so far so good! I would just try sitting down and talking with him again and seeing if he would be up for a budget. Try to show him that he doesn't have to completely eliminate his wasteful spending, just cutting it down a bit. Your baby girl is your number one priority now, and she will be the one who is effected by his spending in the end. I hope this helps and good luck to you!

    Answer by TsMommy428 at 4:29 PM on Nov. 18, 2010

  • Write down everything that is spent for one week. Then show him a list of the expenses-house, car, insurance, food, and sit down and talk. When he sees it in black and white it may be very revealing.

    Answer by SweetLuci at 4:32 PM on Nov. 18, 2010

  • We have had many talks about budgets and what we spend. He's very receptive at the time but then nothing gets done any different. I've asked him many times if it would be better for me to take over the finances and he just looks at me. Idk what to do. I've told him how it scares me and that this issue causes me to have a wall up to protect myself and not fully depend on him. I've also told him that I don't like not being able to depend on him. I've thought many times about taking money out and putting it aside but I don't like that because I feel like it's dishonest/hiding. But honestly many times I feel like this is what I'm being pushed to do. I feel like he spends for himself and doesn't think about others. Like Christmas is coming up as well as we have 2 trips we have to take between March and April. I'm constantly thinking and trying to figured out how to plan for them. It just seems like he doesn't get it.

    Comment by hljones (original poster) at 4:38 PM on Nov. 18, 2010

  • Ya, I see what you are saying hijones! This is such a tough one! The fact that you have sat down and have had countless conversations with him regarding finances and nothing has come out of it would be extremely frustrating to me as well! I would feel dishonest if I was pulling money aside too, and I personally would not do that because I don't believe that is right to do. I guess my only advice would be just to be persistent with him and again lay everything out on the table. Maybe even print out your bank statements and highlight what is "wasteful spending." Sometimes being able to visually see everything helps out. I know it did for us!

    Answer by TsMommy428 at 5:11 PM on Nov. 18, 2010

  • I'm tired about "fighting" with him over it. It wears me out. I feel like I do everything ... and I guess what I mean by that is that I'm the one that is always worrying about this or that or the other. I recognize that some of it might just be the difference in female vs male. So I just talked with him and told him that the finances seem to be something that is a reoccurring issue in our marriage. I said that he's always wanting to buy something and that it's never ending. I told him that it's really hard for me and causes me to not want to share my finances with him and just do things separately. He stated "I made a mistake. You know I work so hard and all I do is pay bills. So when I see we have money I get excited and I just spend." I don't understand him. I told him the reason we have bills is because we have nice things. He asked so what is the solution. I said that at this point I'm gonna take over the finances.

    Comment by hljones (original poster) at 5:51 PM on Nov. 18, 2010

  • Continued...

    He got mad and went to take a shower. After his shower he said that he thought me taking over the finances would be a good thing probably since he just doesn't seem to be getting it. UGH!! It's not that I mind paying the bills I just don't understand how he can just give up. Part of me felt like asking him "Do you like being told what to do all the time?" I'm so frustrated. I just feel like what is the point of a marriage at all ... and I know I tend to get this way when I get frustrated and am at my whits end but I never thought I'd feel like I'm married to someone that is just clueless. It's ruining me. I hate that I feel like he just isn't "smart" and I am ashamed of that because by no means am I perfect and I think it's really mean of me to say that or think that about him. I just don't know what else to do. I want our future to be secure financially and I feel like we will never get there.

    Comment by hljones (original poster) at 5:57 PM on Nov. 18, 2010

  • Good for you! I wish you the best of luck and just know if you ever need to chit chat we are here for ya!

    Answer by TsMommy428 at 5:58 PM on Nov. 18, 2010

  • Sorry I didn't see your CONT with I posted my response...

    Answer by TsMommy428 at 6:00 PM on Nov. 18, 2010

  • Ya I know what you mean, and what you are feeling is totally normal!! Who doesn't want to be financially secure! Especially when there are little ones to care for! I truely hope this gets better for you and getting through this will make you both stronger in the end!!

    Answer by TsMommy428 at 6:01 PM on Nov. 18, 2010

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