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Future in-laws....

My DF's parents have a really bad habit of putting down their son to me whenever he isn't around and it is really hard for me to deal with. I've been biting my tongue out of respect for him (he knows about it) but I don't know how much longer I can do this. How do I tell them it irritates me without putting a strain on our future?


Asked by sweet29mom at 7:00 PM on Nov. 18, 2010 in Relationships

Level 18 (5,093 Credits)
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Answers (10)
  • Any time they begin with the put downs and negatives about your df pop in with "oh, I couldn't disagree more" and list two or three things to their one! My mil (when we had a relationship with her)would always put my dh down about his weight and everything else. So I started countering her with all the good I saw. When you start this they'll soon realize you are no fun to sit with and rip someone apart! And it can be done respectfully. If it doesn't work then I would be a little more aggressive with dealing with them. GL

    Answer by Austinsmom35 at 7:43 PM on Nov. 19, 2010

  • Oh yikes. I don't know what you can do, especially if he doesn't want you to say anything. *hugs* sounds like your relationship with them is already strained so I guess all you can do is focus on your honey. Good luck, his parents sound like a piece of work.

    Answer by flitpixie at 7:06 PM on Nov. 18, 2010

  • Can you give an example of the put-downs?

    There are some parents (um, might be me!) that have a hard time bragging on their children, even though we are bustin' buttons proud of them. So we swing the other way to show them "warts and all".

    Does he have siblings? Do they treat their other children or even each other the same way?

    Will you be living with them after marriage? If not, I would let it slide. Let HIM deal with HIS parents and practice grinning and nodding. If you will be living with them, take every opportunity to brag on him, respectfully, and try to see the better side of the people who raised the man you love.

    Answer by Wimsey at 7:08 PM on Nov. 18, 2010

  • Honestly, things are already strained because you're irritated.... If it were me, whenever they'd start up with something like that, I'd immediately jump in by saying (all cheerfully) "So, how about the weather lately?" or something equally neutral. Believe me, after a couple of times, they should get the hint, and you won't have to lash out at them.

    Answer by Anouck at 7:08 PM on Nov. 18, 2010

  • He has a half-sister who has made many bad decisions that his mom considers to be perfect, but says he is a failure at everything he does, and claims he's lazy (he's not). The biggest problem is that they live about a mile down the road from the house he inherited from his grandparents and visit at least once a day. Other than the constant put-downs, I get along with them fine. Thanks for the advice.

    Comment by sweet29mom (original poster) at 7:13 PM on Nov. 18, 2010

  • just say "well no body's perfect. i'm sure we have all made mistakes we have regretted." they will think that you just don't get their frustration and let it go

    Answer by melody77 at 7:36 PM on Nov. 18, 2010

  • I had an aunt who was always saying bad things to me about another of my aunts. I finally grabbed her hand and looked into her eyes and said, "When you say bad things about Aunt_____, it makes be think bad things about you." She stopped discussing this person with me...

    Answer by GoodyBrook at 8:16 PM on Nov. 18, 2010

  • My mil has done this a few hurts my feelings :0/ I just always back him up and then I wrote her a email telling her to please not do it anymore and that just because she thinks those things doesnt mean I do, She said sorry and hasnt done it since. Maybe just be kind of straight to the point... or just keep backing him up till they get the hint.

    Answer by JakesCupcake at 9:54 PM on Nov. 18, 2010

  • i would simply tell them that you love your DF and that you would appreciate them not talking down about him. no one is prefect and you love his flaws

    Answer by Ross2010 at 10:15 PM on Nov. 18, 2010

  • thanks. I agree that they just don't see all the good things he does, and they still harp about things he did 10 years ago.

    Comment by sweet29mom (original poster) at 7:45 PM on Nov. 19, 2010