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What To Do About My Mother~My 1st Question on CM Answers

My mother gave me over to my grandparents (maternal side) when I was 9...always with the promise that I'd come back one day and live with her.  I was an AD/HD child and she was an alcoholic/substance abuser.
Not a good mix.
She rarely visited and when she did she and my grandmother would play Boggle and video-games together...I was Never included and many times told to go to my room so they could concentrate.
The day never came when I got to move just kept getting postponed and postponed finally I graduated high school and there went that illusion.
When I had my son I kind of had hoped that she would see this time as a time when she could do things with my Bradley that she never did with me since she was sober....that hasn't happened either.
She always tells me that she wants to be closer to me and to build a relationship but she never calls or sees me even when we lived right near each other and when she has called it's been to borrow money or give her a ride or something for HER.
Whenever I've EVER asked her for a favor she tries to make me feel guilty and acts "all put out" like I'm draining her of her life blood! 
One time it was so I could get to the hospital because my stitches were bleeding after my cancer surgery...she wouldn't take me and I had to find another way!
I recently invited her to Thanksgiving at my home and offered to pick her up (we now live 450m apart...I just moved a few months ago) and take her back the following day.
I only offered this to her because she was complaining that she didn't want to spend the holidays without me (ha!) and the rest of the family which usually fights with each other.
Now after not hearing a response from her (and initially when brought up she was enthusiastic about it) in several days I texted her and she responded "Sorry I Can't".
I'm crushed....I'll be without my Crappy Family for the first time in MY LIFE on Thanksgiving...but they're MY Crappy Family!  :o(
And I actually thought she might come through for me this once!
But once again she's let me down...I just don't know what to do anymore about her.

Answer Question

Asked by Missikat75 at 5:45 PM on Nov. 19, 2010 in Relationships

Level 16 (2,942 Credits)
Answers (10)
  • I am so sorry to hear this, Hugs!

    Answer by older at 5:49 PM on Nov. 19, 2010

  • I'm sorry to say this but you need to lower your expectations of your mom. My mom has let me down a lot in the last few years and to be able to get through it emotionally I had to lower my expectations. It has really helped. I don't hold out hope expecting that she will come through for me. If I really need to do something or want to spend time with someone I always set up a back up plan in case she flakes on me. You need to take the time for the holiday and give thanks for what you do have and the loving people around you. I am sorry that you have to deal with all of this.

    Answer by coala at 5:50 PM on Nov. 19, 2010

  • How'd you get so many words into your question?

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:58 PM on Nov. 19, 2010

  • I am sorry she is hurting you, but it seems like she has been very consistent throughout your life. She is a highly selfish person and you aren't important to her unless you can do something for her. I know that hurts to hear, but the sooner you really recognize that the better off you and your son will be. Concentrate on the positive people in your life. I hope you have a lovely Thanksgiving.

    Answer by Marwill at 6:00 PM on Nov. 19, 2010

  • I am sorry to have to say this, but I think you got your answer to this question when she gave you away at a young age. She has never been a good parent. She will not make a good grandparent either. Selfish people cannot see past themselves. That is not what you want around your child, is it? Shelter your child from her bullshit and save yourself anymore heart ache.

    Answer by dancinintherain at 6:10 PM on Nov. 19, 2010

  • My best advise to you would be to stop wasting energy on her all together. You mother is a very selfish person who has spent your entire life showing you that she values her own selfish wants more than what is best for her daughter. I think that you should take the crappy life that she has thrown at you and use it to learn from her mistakes. You have had a chance to see first hand what a crappy mom can do to a child, now show your children everything that you missed out on with your mother. Quite wasting time trying to make things work with her and put that energy into showing your children how much they mean to you. Once you are able to accept that fact that she isn't going to change it will be easier not to let it bother you when she continues to blow you off. Some of the best mothers I have ever met had the worst examples growing up. Be the mother you wish that you had always had.

    Answer by AshleyBishop06 at 6:40 PM on Nov. 19, 2010

  • You might want to research Adult Children of Alcoholics. It might explain why she's treating you the way she does. It's NOT a rejection of you although it may feel that way. She just has no clue how to be the person/mom you want her to be

    Answer by admckenzie at 7:27 PM on Nov. 19, 2010

  • im sorry to hear that mama good luck

    Answer by Ricanmami1 at 9:53 PM on Nov. 19, 2010

  • cut her out of your life all together period. u dont need this toxic woman around u or your child. try meeting an older female maybe at church or a neighbor and befriend her u never know she could maybe fill a void in your heart and be a great grammy to your kid.

    Answer by maya123 at 11:58 PM on Nov. 19, 2010

  • My daughter's father was the same way with her. Since she was three. She's now 22. He's never been there for her, birthdays, holidays, or whatever else you can think of. She finally realized that he's never going to change. Your mother is never going to change either. As much as we would like to see it happen, we are always disappointed once again. You need to decide once and for all if you really want her to be in your life. My daughter chose no. If she still isn't there for you now, I don't believe anything will change your relationship between the both of you. Disappointment is hard, but there comes a time in your life that you'll get tired of it and move on. I wish you luck.

    Answer by amessageofhope at 12:58 AM on Nov. 20, 2010

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