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5 Bumps

This makes me so mad ! Step daughter's mom doesnt want me to go ? Who do you think is in the right here ?

I am married to a great guy... he has a 9 year old daughter from a previous relationship and we have a 3 year old twins ( boy and girl) ... My "stepdaughter" is with ME 6 days a week ( hubby works long hours ) She goes to her "moms" house on Wednesday after school ( sometimes she stays all night but sometimes she wants to come home) .. and every once in awhile her mom will want her for something on the weekend, but she even calls me mom ( by her choice and I wasnt going to tell her not to ) ...

I went into this relationship with my husband expecting to have a friendly relationship with her mother, and just simply be a stepmom ....

But I am the one who gets her up in the morning, gets her ready for school ( her room and her stuff if here, she justt takes a bag to her "moms"), I make all her meals, I take her to her sports practices, I am her cheerleader, I read her a story at bedtime...
I think I am a big role in her life !!

But of course her mother does not....... My little girl has to have a small surgery next week and her "mom" told me and my husband several times that ONLY her and him are aloud to go... whenever she gets upset with me she says things like " i could be out of her life with the sign of a paper" or " that I am only a mom to 2 kids, not 3" ...

SD wants me at the hospital, she told me this... my husband and I are BOTH going... but it makes me soo mad that she would say that I have no right of going there.. and it is going to make me soo mad if she actually tries and make a scene once we get there ( as she has done before)

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 9:18 AM on Nov. 20, 2010 in Parenting Debate

Answers (28)
  • If your SD wants you there, then go. Don't let the Bio Mother bully you. This "I can have you out of her life with a sign of the paper" is just a bully tactic. Stand strong and be there for this little girl. Just smile sweetly at the biotch. She's a control freak and nothing but.

    Answer by layh41407 at 9:23 AM on Nov. 20, 2010

  • Obviously she feels threatened by your relationship with her daughter and that's why she doesn't want you there.
    Clearly, you are the primary caregiver for this little girl and just in the way you talk about her, you feel like she's your daughter. I'm a little bothered that when you talk about the ex, you put mom in quotes which implies what you think of her as a mother. She did give birth to this little girl. I can understand your resentment, but I don't think it will get you anywhere. It sounds like if you want to go and have it be positive, you will, once again have to be the bigger person. Is the ex someone you could have a conversation with and explain, "Yes, I know you're her mother, but I hope you know I love her too, I want her to know I'm there for her, please let me come to the hospital." That will leave a bad taste in your mouth - it would mine - but clearly your greatest interest is in your little girl! Good luck!

    Answer by sweetpotato418 at 9:26 AM on Nov. 20, 2010

  • Being a step parent is hard. And being the mom with kids who have another "stand in mom" is hard too. It is not ok for her to treat you this way but just remember all the good you do for you SD and how well your relationship is with her. It sounds like her real mom has always been that way and always will. You just have to ignore it and chalk it up to her ignorance. It is hard to do but but there really is no other way.

    Answer by CarlieJS at 9:27 AM on Nov. 20, 2010

  • Obvioulsy she is YOUR daughter (maybe not biologically) but you are the one being the mom and if SD wants you there...then be there for her, just like you have been there for her every time before! She still needs you to be her cheerleader. And if your husband is there, he has every right to have you there with him. It's not other "mom's" decision.

    Answer by Pip-Squeek at 10:06 AM on Nov. 20, 2010

  • Yah it is kind of crumy of her to be like that to you, but why is it that she is not the primary parent? Was it by her choice or her dd? If her dd decided to live with you and her dad instead of her mom no matter the reason that would be a hard pill to swallow. I can see her getting a bit catty over it. Not saying it is the right thing, but if she feels she is being treated as an aunt and you are getting all the mom perks to her kid than could you understand a bit how hurt she is? Maybe keep that in mind as you are at the hospital and even talk to her about it. Tell her you know it must be hard for her and ask how you can help.

    Answer by Alanaplus3 at 10:07 AM on Nov. 20, 2010

  • Well it seems like to me that you are the mom. When you are doing way more than her so called mother and you love this child she is going to feel that from you and that's love and support. So maybe she feels you have earned that right to be her mother because she feels that motherly love from you. I salute you as a mother who takes on someone else's child and not write there child off. You do what's best for that child no matter what anyone say because you are here provider.

    Answer by obenblue at 10:12 AM on Nov. 20, 2010

  • i would step back and let them be the parents to the daughter. sorry i woldn;t want anyone else there besides myself and the father. its probably a very stressful emotional time. i understand you want to be there for the sd but sometimes you have to just step back for a moment and let them handle things for that child. don;t worry you are there for her every other day. let the parents be there this time. don't piss off the mother. its hard enough to be a step mother. good luck!

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:13 AM on Nov. 20, 2010

  • Do what is best for your stepdaughter. It is wonderful that you can keep her best interests in mind and deal with a less than rational biological parent. Carefully weigh out the benefits of you being there for her vs. the stink her mother is likely to throw and it's impact on her. Then do what you feel is best for her and don't look back or second guess yourself.

    Answer by riotgrrl at 10:35 AM on Nov. 20, 2010

  • In this case - you listen to your heart, not that other woman. It true that there may ONLY be two people allowed to be in the room - and unfortunately her bio mom comes first - but there's NO reason why you can't be at the hospital. And imagine the look on that woman's face with DD wakes up and asks for "mommy" and then it becomes abundantly clear that she's talking about you.
    Waiting in the waiting room - this you do for your SD -
    Waiting in the waiting room - this you do our of respect for her Bio mom (even tho she may not deserve the respect), you SD does.
    Waiting in the waiting room - this you do in the event that SD starts to ask for (Cry for)

    Even if dad gives you his place in the room and you have to walk in there with bio mom in the room - you don't focus an ounce of energy on bio mom - it's all about SD. You walk in just as if she were a nurse in the room, you be cordial, never rude. SD deserves that.

    Answer by ShelbyShareAlot at 10:46 AM on Nov. 20, 2010

  • Listen...if you husband and SD are backing you...FUCK THE BITCH!!! Also, avoid a lot of stress and heartache for you the and the little girl by staying out of it. Since you are lucky enough that your husband does back you, have him handle it and if the nut job does try to cause problems at the hospital, call the cops. Also from what you are describing, your husband has primary custody, in which case, she can sign all the little papers she wants and you can save a lot on toilet paper.

    Answer by ShouldHaveLeft at 10:53 AM on Nov. 20, 2010

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