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Someone close was raped... Serious topic.. language.

My sister-in-law was raped a few weeks ago and finally told me about it yesterday. I can't stop thinking about it. She didn't go to the dr until several days after to be tested for STDs and washed away all of the evidence. She was drunk at a party and she said she remembers not being able to move and being raped (sounds like rohypnol to me). She doesn't want to tell her husband because she knows her husband will literally kill the person that did it (I think he actually would if she did tell him...) I think it's important that her husband know what's going on, but she wants to act like it never happened. Her personality has changed drastically in the last few weeks. I suggested that she call a rape-crisis hotline and possibly go to intensive counseling. I'm so mad that people like this exist in the world and just want that a-hole to lose his manhood for something like this! Why do people still get away with this!?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 1:52 PM on Nov. 4, 2008 in Relationships

Answers (12)
  • Its great you care.However you can not tell her husband.She trusted you an you can not break that trust.All you can do is be there for her.If your as good a friend as you say support her wishes.She has been tested for stds.She wont let her husband touch her till she knows if she has something.Or she wouldnt of gone to be tested at all.You can only help as much as she will let you.DOnt let your person beliefs over ride being her friend she needs you.It took alot for her to trust you an tell you.
    fearful5

    Answer by fearful5 at 2:00 PM on Nov. 4, 2008

  • First off, I am sorry that this has happened to her. And I don't think that it's as much that they "get away with it" as it is alot of times it's really hard to prove. But it does feel like this @ times. I would keep encouraging her to see a rape crisis counselor or center. As a former victim and survivor, I know how she's feeling totally. And she might not want to go right now and that's ok. It's ok to back off some and maybe bring it up again in a few days or a wk. but I would absolutely keep encouraging her to talk to someonw somewhere.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:03 PM on Nov. 4, 2008

  • I would never betray her trust and tell her husband. She asked me to act as if I've never told her. I love her and care for her as deeply as I do my own sisters. I just feel so betrayed by the person that did this to her (someone I know as an acquaintance). We just moved away to a different state. I can't help but wonder if I hadn't moved, maybe I would have been at the party with her and this never would have happened. Or, I would have been over at her house hanging out instead and she wouldn't have gone to the party.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:12 PM on Nov. 4, 2008

  • CONTINUED I can't put it out of my mind and I know it's not healthy for her to block it out of her mind completely. I just get so upset I want to scream and cuss and just go back in time and change it! I was sexually abused as a child and know how much it changes your personality. She will never be the same again... Her and her husband have been together for almost 25 years, and they've known each other all their lives. I don't want to see them getting a divorce because she's changed and he doesn't know why. I just feel so helpless.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:12 PM on Nov. 4, 2008

  • Encourage her to contact RAINN. They can help her find resources in her area for confidential help. I hope she can confide in her husband at some point, but that choice is hers to make. People get away with rape because it is a tough thing to prove, expecially in cases like hers where the physical evidence is gone.
    BlueFrogMama

    Answer by BlueFrogMama at 2:14 PM on Nov. 4, 2008

  • I'm not bashing her at all, but this is why so many get away with it, because there's so many that go unreported (understandably). I feel so very bad for her and even her husband and if she has children, then too. She's going to go thru so much still and she's really needing to talk to her husband because if and when nightmares, panic attacks etc happen, he should be aware of what's going on. When she doesnt' want him to touch her, he's going to think it's him, that she's possibly seeing someone else etc... My heart is breaking for her and I'm hoping she'll atleast go to some online support groups to work thru some of the pain to be able to feel comfortable in her own skin again.
    lisa_ann_p

    Answer by lisa_ann_p at 2:15 PM on Nov. 4, 2008

  • She absolutely needs to go for therapy. Sometimes all it takes is one or 2 visits. Right now she must be feeling guilty because you tends to blame yourself. You have to reassure her that she is not at fault at all - rape is a violent act. The hospitals have social workers who can help her through this as well if she cannot afford therapy.

    A good exercise if all else fails and she has nowhere to go is for her to pretend this happened to you. Tell here to imagine that you are a wreck and you feel incredibly guilty - what would she tell you?? By doing this, she will step out of her self and actually begin to heal.

    If she can, she should think about reporting this to the authorities. When she is ready, she will talk to her husband and they probably will need to go through therapy together.

    She is lucky to have a supportive friend.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:15 PM on Nov. 4, 2008

  • And try not to project your own experiences onto her. You obviously love her very much, and that is wonderful. But recognize that what happened to you and what happened to her are two very different things, and that you and she are two very different people. And so the impact that this has on her life will be very different than what you experienced. Many people (myself included) are able to come away from terrible experiences like that as stronger, more loving, more grateful people in the end. If I could go back in time, I would not change the fact that I was molested as a child. It is part of my life, and part of what shaped me into who I am today, and so I am grateful for that chapter in my life.
    BlueFrogMama

    Answer by BlueFrogMama at 2:17 PM on Nov. 4, 2008

  • Thank you all for the support in how to help her. I have so much going through my mind I completely forgot about RAINN. More thoughts and help would be much appreciated. Yes, she does have two children (16 and 10). I just want to help... Even if that means backing off and letting her come to me, that's what I'll do. I just want to help her come to terms with this... I hate rape. I hate people that think they can get away with rape... I hate this world that we live in doesn't have strong enough penalites for rape... Enough griping... I'm just so damned angry...
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:22 PM on Nov. 4, 2008

  • i think, just support her and let her make decisions, when she is ready, she will decide if she wants her husband to know. as mad as you are, if she trusted you enough to tell you this, you need to let her know that you are there for her, instead of trying to get her to do something. if she does not want to tell her husband, leave it at that, until she is a little bit over it. rape is so much more that the physical act. just be there for her. she obviously needs someone right now. dont judge her actions right now. she is not herself again yet.
    smzuzu

    Answer by smzuzu at 2:39 PM on Nov. 4, 2008

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