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2 Bumps

"you can tell me"

I have been so stressed lately. My DH and I both work full time. His commute is 1 hour each way. My commute is 10 minutes each way. We both have stressful jobs, but I can usually leave my job after my 8 hours are put in. While he used to be able to do this, his company has laid so many employees off and are now forcing the rest to pick up the slack. Since he is a department manager, that means him. We also have two kids, one with special needs.
DH leaves at 7am and does not get home until 7:30-8pm. I leave at 7:30am and get home around 4:45pm. Then I have homework to do with the kids, cook dinner, get the kids fed, clean up dinner, start the bedtime routine (baths, etc). Then Dh comes home to tuck them into bed.
I have been feeling so much stress lately because my special needs child has been acting out, we've been short staffed at work, I get calls/complaints from my son's school about his behavior. He behaves poorly for me. I want to work with him, but can't because I have no help at home.
I've been keeping my mouth shut because I know my DH has been having a lot of stress too, but when the stress began to show due to my being irritable, he insisted I could talk to him about it. I told him I would, but I didn't want to add to his stress. He insisted. So I did
I don't know why I bothered. He just acted all annoyed even though I told him I know he's doing the best he can and I know he's obligated to work (even though he doesn't get overtime, as he is salaried). I just needed to cry a bit. He just got pissy and walked away in a huff because he's doing the best he can. Why did he insist I tell him if he was just going to get pissy anyway?

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 6:59 PM on Nov. 20, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (13)
  • Maybe he just got upset because he feels he is doing all that he can but feels like he wants to do more but can't. Maybe he has a funny way of showing it. Or maybe it is because he doesn't realize how much work it really is for you.. Men can be strange. He might have had a bad day. Maybe he just feels like he isn't doing enough. Try asking him why he got upset. Sorry your going through this :/

    Answer by JakesCupcake at 7:03 PM on Nov. 20, 2010

  • maybe now you goes can vent and feel better?
    There are programs that help with special needs kids and their behavior,ask dr for referal or if you have caseworker or at school
    good luck

    Answer by raisingmen at 7:04 PM on Nov. 20, 2010

  • well i know for me, if i say that i dont REALLY want to know, i want the person to say 'its nothing, really'

    i dont know why people do it, humans are funny :p

    Answer by pookipoo at 7:04 PM on Nov. 20, 2010

  • He probably got pissed off because he already feels like he isnt doing enough,and you just confirmed it for him. That would be a bit hard to take. You say that he is doing what he has to do, but at the same time you seem to be thinking he is doing more then he should. He probably does it because he cares about his family and feels like he needs to do it to keep his job, times are tough, he has to do what he has to do, yes that makes things harder on everyone. But instead of telling him that he is not doing enough,that he needs to be there at home when he cant be, only make him feel like you dont apreciate what he is doing. I think its understandable that he was upset. You should have instead told him why you are stressed, ie your son is acting up and you dont know how to deal with it, and maybe asked him his ideas on it, instead of blaming it on him for not being there.

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:18 PM on Nov. 20, 2010

  • Anon
    You assume a lot, don't you?? I didn't tell him that I needed him home. I Just told him that I am stressed because of our son's behavior, because of work, because I feel like I dont' have enough time. I told him I know he's doing the best he can and that I know he is doing what he needs to do and then I just started crying. THEN he got pissy.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 7:22 PM on Nov. 20, 2010

  • my oldest is special needs and when she was young I joined a "parents anon" group and it did wonders for dealing with stress. you go for an hour a week and everyone talks about the stress in their life and everyone gives advice and talks to one another.

    Answer by wheresthewayout at 7:29 PM on Nov. 20, 2010

  • wheresthewayout
    I will check into that. But I don't know who i am going to get to watch the kids......But it sounds like a really great idea.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 7:31 PM on Nov. 20, 2010

  • Ok well Im srory if I took it the wrong way, but from what you said its pretty obvious you are upset that you have to do so much and that he cant be there, and all im saying is that he probably felt that when you were telling him things. I understand how it feels, I wish my husband were home to help more too, but I deal with what I have to and am proud to have a husband that does as much as he does, Im not saying thaty your not, just that he probably feels like he isnt doing enough, and wants to be able to be your hero and do everything for you and takes it personally that he cant. Im sorry that it came out so harsh.

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:38 PM on Nov. 20, 2010

  • My DH does this. I think men and women communicate differently. Men want to solve the problem and be the hero. Women just want someone to listen to them. He probably got pissed because he knows he can't solve it for you and he feels like he is letting you down.

    Answer by bjane01 at 7:53 PM on Nov. 20, 2010

  • I think it sounds like this was just how HIS stress came out. He is stressed that he can't do anything about alleviating any of yours. My hubby can't stand to see me cry, and his reaction isn't always to hug me, and give me the support I need. His reaction is usually what makes me feel worse. I know this doesn't make you feel any better, but it's just how some men act. Have you tried talking with him about it again? This is no good, it just makes things worse. You guys need to be working together, ya know?
    IDK what your son's Dx is, but can you get him into therapy? Maybe some kind of behavior modification therapy? Some places even have appt. on Saturdays. It's worth looking into.

    Answer by Raine2001 at 8:05 PM on Nov. 20, 2010

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